I remember one time writing about how difficult it is for me to put myself "out there" when I discuss the attack. And I always forget until the next day that posting something like this really shakes me up. Bad. I forget that I end up feeling really exposed and I start getting overwhelmed with a lot of emotions.
My anxiety started slowly spiking throughout the day and I contemplated taking the post down. More for my own benefit than anything. I just felt anxious inside knowing all my raw pain was on public display like that. I started worrying I was bringing everyone down and people would read it and leave in a depressed mood.
I actually thought this time it would be different. I was so proud of myself for having the courage to discuss something extremely personal. And it felt very important to me to write my own tribute to Robin Williams.
I'm sort of rambling now, but I guess that sign up there kind of sums up how I'm feeling right now. Most of the time in my life I feel really strong. And then I write something about the attack and realize I have my weak spots. I try to stay strong and I'm pretty good about protecting myself from the pain that's still inside me, but it's still there.
I'm trying to move forward and not live in the past, but, well, I guess it's easier said than done. I'm trying, though. If I look at it rationally I can give myself credit for a lot of good work. More needs to be done, and I'm committed to it, believe me.
It's just really exhausting trying to be stronger than I feel sometimes. And I wanted you to know all your caring comments gave me a great deal of strength. Thank you.