Thursday, August 14, 2014

Yesterday's post

I wanted to take a moment today to say thank you for the kind comments all of you left me yesterday.

I remember one time writing about how difficult it is for me to put myself "out there" when I discuss the attack. And I always forget until the next day that posting something like this really shakes me up. Bad. I forget that I end up feeling really exposed and I start getting overwhelmed with a lot of emotions.

My anxiety started slowly spiking throughout the day and I contemplated taking the post down. More for my own benefit than anything. I just felt anxious inside knowing all my raw pain was on public display like that. I started worrying I was bringing everyone down and people would read it and leave in a depressed mood.

I actually thought this time it would be different. I was so proud of myself for having the courage to discuss something extremely personal. And it felt very important to me to write my own tribute to Robin Williams.

I'm sort of rambling now, but I guess that sign up there kind of sums up how I'm feeling right now. Most of the time in my life I feel really strong. And then I write something about the attack and realize I have my weak spots. I try to stay strong and I'm pretty good about protecting myself from the pain that's still inside me, but it's still there. 

I'm trying to move forward and not live in the past, but, well, I guess it's easier said than done. I'm trying, though. If I look at it rationally I can give myself credit for a lot of good work. More needs to be done, and I'm committed to it, believe me. 

It's just really exhausting trying to be stronger than I feel sometimes. And I wanted you to know all your caring comments gave me a great deal of strength. Thank you.


  1. We all have weak spots Matt, you are not alone in that.
    There is no idea reason to feel you have to be strong all of the time, your human with real emotions.
    And the fact that you share all of that, well in my book, that makes you pretty damn strong!
    Much love to you xoxo

  2. Matt, you're braver & stronger than you know. You may be helping others to an extent you're not aware of. I so appreciate you sharing this even though it's hard for you. You ended on a positive note so I know you're on the road to recovery. ((Hugs))

  3. Oh dear heart, here's my two cents worth, make of it what you will. You never have to be stronger than you feel with your friends on line or real life. Friends who truly love you are there to share the burden, so load us down, we can be strong for you. Feel what you feel, honey and if you need us we're here. Thanks so much for the trust. Don't worry, I only sap up every once in awhile. I'll snap out of it :)

  4. Matt you are SO strong, and even though I didn't comment yesterday, I wanted to thank you for your post. I got me teary eyed but that's ok. You are not bringing us down, you are sharing your life with us. I follow this blog to read about 2 guys who are real, and human. I appreciate all you guys share and love that you let it all out to us. It makes me feel like I'm doing something positive being a sounding board. If you were a friend I talked to on the phone I would want you to vent as well. It's why we are here as your online friends :)

  5. Hugs Matt. I know that it may not always feel like you are strong but what it takes for you to share all that you do says to me that you are stronger than you know. You are making a difference in so many lives simply by sharing your experiences. You share the amazing and the challenging and we are all here to listen and respond to both. I hope your anxiety is less today and gone altogether soon. Thank you as always.

  6. Hi Matt,
    Thanks again for sharing the great tribute & personal impact that you did with all of us yesterday. Like your sign says, it takes a lot of energy to always feel -,or act - strong, especially when you are not feeling strong! Just remember to be yourself & be who you are. (Which undoubtedly isn't strong ** all ** the time, since most people aren't strong all the time!) Your friends like &'love you for who you are - not whether you can "act" strong all the time.
    David Eaton
    San Jose, CA

  7. Here it is. There's no need for you to be stronger than you feel. Not for any of us anyway. I understand that you don't want to feel the pain, that the power the past still seems to have is frustrating and that you want it to be gone. But you know what; you are the result of all your experiences. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. All of those combined have made you into the wonderful, loving and compassionate man you are now and whatever happens next in your life will continue to shape you. That is good. Not easy, but good. That's what life is supposed to be about. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to be less strong than we would like to think we are. Fighting it, pretending to be more than we are may make us feel better in the moment but will hurt us badly in the long term.

    So please give yourself permission to be who you are, or who you need to be on any given day. Be strong, be weak, be outgoing, be quiet. It's all good because it is all you. And you are wonderful and more than good enough.

  8. No-one is strong all the time. That's what friends and loved ones are for. To be strong for you when you're feeling vulnerable *HUGS*

  9. You are stronger than you feel. Think about a physical workout. You feel exhausted after you exert your strength the most. Your inner strength is much the same way. You may feel a bit shaky and weak, but that's your mental muscles, repairing themselves so they can come back as strong as ever. *hugs*

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  11. Matty, sweetheart, you never have to be anything but your honest self with your true friends, whether in RL or online. Your past is still a major part of your life, and will be for a long time. You are healing and you are getting stronger. But you never have to pretend that strength is more than you feel. Right now, right where you are is perfect. You are perfect. I know it's difficult getting through everything. But please accept there are so many of us wanting you to succeed. And I know you will. Remember the quote I sent you: "Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." It can be helpful in so many instances. Love and hugs.

  12. I think Helena is right. Don't feel like you have to be strong for us or anybody else. Re-living a trauma is physically and emotionally taxing. What you did yesterday was VERY shared with us your vulnerabilities, your heart. And even though your anxiety increased throughout the day, you were still able to write today's post. One of the things my therapist told me when I was younger is that sharing your trauma with others is one way to heal because every time you share, you're letting yourself and others that you survived. And you, my brave, beautiful friend not only survived, you're helping others heal with your openness. ❤️❤️❤️

  13. Hmmm. How did I miss your post yesterday? Can I still give you a <<>> today?

  14. You don't have to be strong all the time, you only have to be honest. Your vulnerability will help others out there know it is okay to hurt and be honest about it. Your courage with help others open up about their pain. Your weakness, to me, is one of your greatest strengths because it takes strength to admit weakness. Many hugs to you my friend

  15. Matt I commend you for what ye did as it in turn made ye feel vulnerable to others views and comments, what ye did was brave, but being brave/strong takes a lot out of ye, it's those exact times ye need to turn to yer friends who will always be there for ye, promise? <3

  16. So proud of you. I forwarded yesterday's post to a dear friend of my who is dealing with the same guilt and blame for his attack. It was well written and your posts always help others. Thank you for being so open with your feelings. I know it hurts but the benefit for you and others is worth it.
    Thanks you Matt,

  17. Again, all of you amaze me with your awesomeness. It truly means a lot to me that I can bear my soul sometimes and know all of you are so caring and supportive.

    Thank so much! Truly. Thank you.

  18. Truly Matt, you are amazing. The tribute made me actually feel better! To know how Robin Williams affected you made me smile inside for him - and you.

    You're right, it's not easy to put yourself out there like you do. But you also know, and I hope you can always remember, we're here because we care about you. This isn't a vicarious thrill tide looking through the walls of Matt's and Brad's glass house. This is us caring about you, backing you up, and LETTING YOU LET IT HANG OUT! (and don't forget what we did to the troll who dared to make fun of Brad about his eyeliner!)

    Peace <3