It's been fun getting lots of support and excitement from my family about the new things happening with my job. I knew my mom and sister would be really happy for me. I also knew my dad would probably be happy but was a little anxious about how he would show it.
I was floored when he told me some things he wished he had done instead of going into law. That totally caught me off guard. And I found myself feeling a little disoriented while he was telling me this. I'm not sure if I can put it in words, but hearing him talk about some of the dreams and interests he had when he was my age felt, I don't know, very personal and almost "intimate."
We've never had talks about this kind of thing before, so this is new territory in a way. It was almost like talking to a stranger and I actually started getting anxious. But I tried to relax and give him credit for opening up to me a little more.
When I was getting ready to go home, my dad told me, "Proud of you." Something just went through me when he said that and I almost started crying. I could barely look at him because I knew I'd be a blubbering mess. I just said, "Thanks" and left it at that and headed out the door.
I did start crying on the way home. It felt like sad tears and happy tears and relieved tears and all of those mixed up together. I got home and told Matty and it was then that I really broke down and cried my heart out.
I don't know if it was some kind of breakthrough, but it felt really good to just let all that out, you know? I like where everything is headed with me and my dad. I'm still a little cautious and on edge, but it feels like it's moving in a good direction.
That sign up there sorta applies to my job and my relationship with my dad.
I feel proud of myself for letting my dreams about my career be bigger than my fears.
And I feel proud of myself for letting my dreams about a better relationship with my dad be bigger than my fears.
It means a lot to me that my mom and sister are proud of me. But there's something about my dad being proud of me that seems to be in a different category. Maybe because we've been estranged for so long and it carries a different kind of weight or something. I'm trying to take it in and cherish it, but also aware that all this is so new I feel like I don't know what to do with it. That might not have come out clear. I guess it's not all clear to me yet, but I'm remaining hopeful.
It's amazing what those three words from my dad mean to me. "Proud of you." I guess I'm feeling proud of him for trying. And proud of me for giving him the chance.