Sunday, March 2, 2014
Sundays with Sam: Fighting for my self
Except today It's Sam-I-Am-A-Little-Down.
Or maybe Sam-I-Am-A-Lot-Down.
I will try not to bring any one else down because that would bother me a lot. So I will try and tone it down a little bit for today.
The good news is that Rick (MY BOYFRIEND) and I are doing really good. So there is no problem there. As a matter of fact, we are doing super good. We have been having a good time together and we talk a lot about silly things as well as serious things. And I feel like we are getting even closer.
Rick has been able to tell I have been more down lately and he has been wanting me to talk about what is going on. But see? That's the really hard part. It makes me feel really cared for when he wants to know what is happening inside me, but it also puts some pressure on me to open up when all I want to do is close my self down and withdraw.
I have been thinking a lot about why I have had a change in my mood and outlook lately. For the very first time in my life, I have been truly happy since I met Rick. And I mean REALLY happy. We have had a few problems to deal with but they have not been any thing major and we talked about them and got back to a really good place and even feel closer to each other when we got to the other side.
So this is what I have come up with and if you have any advice it would really help me out a lot.
I don't want to sound pitiful or like I am looking for any body to feel sorry for me because I don't think that would help any way. But the thing is, I have been through a lot of extremely difficult things in my life. Yeah, I know a lot of people have been through extremely difficult things and I am not taking any thing away from that. I know I am not unique.
But the thing is, all the things I have been through have made me be very careful about getting hurt again. I am not even sure my parents really care about me, and if they do, it's just a small amount. The only person in my family I ever felt truly loved me was my grandmother and she died not too long ago and I miss her very much.
I had to go into a foster home for a short while because I did not feel safe in my own home. There is other stuff I know I have mentioned before so I don't want to go over every thing again, plus it just ends up making me feel bad.
But what I have come up with is this: After going through so many things that have been difficult, I have finally found some body who really likes me and loves me. Rick has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me and this is the first time I have ever felt this kind of happiness. I mean, I feel TRULY happy and more than just "in a good mood," know what I mean? This feels as real to me as my grandmother's love felt to me. I do not doubt it one single bit. And I trust it with out any reservation.
But the screwed up thing about all this is that it makes me realize how unhappy and sad I have been most of my life. I guess I tried to just accept all the sad feelings and I suppose I expected my life to always be like that so I started looking at this as just normal.
I am not sure if I am explaining this in a clear way. You would think I would just accept that I am happy for the first time and not look backwards into my past, but I can't help it. I start thinking stuff like, "Why didn't I have parents who care about me?" and "Why wasn't I able to cope better with every thing?" And on and on it goes.
Don't get me wrong. I am determined not to let this get the best of me. I will fight as hard as I am able to be a good person and a happy person and the best boyfriend I can be. And I will fight to over come every thing I need to so I can feel positive about my self and about life.
But some times it feels so hard and the only thing I feel like doing is shutting my self down and withdrawing into my self and blocking out every person who is good for me. I know I have to fight hard and I am trying, but it is not easy and I do not want to give up. I can finally see there is some hope for my self, but it is still hard not to remember those things in the past.
Am I suppose to just block out my past? Am I suppose to just forget all about it? Am I suppose to just put on a happy face and see all the good I have now and ignore the past stuff?
I am trying to figure all this out because that sign at the top of my post sums some things up for me:
I want my life to have purpose. I want my story to be important. I want my dreams to count. I want my voice to matter. And I want to have some kind of positive impact on the people around me and in the world.
Does any of this make any sense? I promise I am trying hard not to shut my self down and withdraw into my self. There is a lot at stake here and I want to be the best friend to my real friends. And I want to be the best boyfriend to Rick.
I also need to fight to be the best person for MY SELF. I guess that is what is the most important thing. I need to FIGHT for MY SELF, and some times I feel like I am winning and some times I go backwards.
It's funny, because I was almost not going to post any thing this week. I was going to say I was really busy or some thing and just skip a week. But I forced my self to write all this out and now I am glad I did. I am trying to just be my self, whether it's HAPPY or SAD or some where in between. And, well, all your comments each week mean the world to me. I don't even know you, but I always look forward to what you have to say.
Thank you for reading this, and thank you for caring.