I've been all over the place emotionally the past week or so. My dad got in touch with me and we're going to be spending some time together this weekend. Just the two of us. To talk. Alone.
My sister and my mom, both of whom I trust without any reservations, have apparently been having some tough talks with him and it seems like he might be ready to talk more directly about our relationship, but it's got me really anxious.
I've been thinking about the time years ago when he actually apologized for mistreating me for having the audacity to be gay. (Wow. Can you hear the edge in my voice there?) I'm trying to curb the bitterness I still feel inside without going into some kind of pretending mode. I just don't want to get some hope and then see it dashed all over again.
I've been through this before with him so I know he's capable of making the effort. I just don't know if he's capable of making it stick long term. I've been disappointed before and it always feels like my emotions break into a thousand pieces when that happens.
So I'm going in there to see how he wants to do this. I'll try to be open to hearing what he has to say, but I'm not going to take every word at face value. We have a history together and that's part of the mix, so it's a lot.
I don't want to get my defenses up too high, but they need to be there to protect the part of my heart that feels fragile.
I'm also trying not to get my expectations too high, but I don't want to go in there with no hope at all.
I'm mainly trying to remind myself that he is who he is, and I am who I am. Maybe he's changed. Maybe he's ready for the next step.
I'm also trying to remind myself that I've grown a lot over the years and have become stronger. That doesn't mean I don't have any fragile parts, because I do. I'm trying really hard to trust that I know how to do this, if he's serious.
Who know? Maybe I'm in a better place now and I'm as ready to have this talk as I'll ever be. Just wanted to put this out there in case I need to follow up with you guys next week. You've always been here for me, and your support means a lot.