Sunday, February 9, 2014
Sundays with Sam: A make-up party
But on to other business. You know that counseling program I go to? Well, they are really big on this thing they call "Self Care." It's basically the idea that you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself, especially when you feel stressed or tired or discouraged or depressed.
Every week I have to show my counselor my Journal which contains a list of all the things I did during the week that fall in the category of Self Care. The idea is that if you are depressed or stressed or whatever, you need to balance all that with doing some thing nice for yourself. It doesn't mean that solves the stress you are feeling, but it is suppose to slow you down so you don't get lost in all the stress. I hope that explanation makes sense. I know it helps me, even though I am new to this business of Self Care. I still think it is very important.
But . . . the more I got to thinking about it, I got to thinking that this party might be more Stress than Self Care. The main reason is that the only gay people I hang around are Brad and Matty (and, of course, my BOYFRIEND, Rick). The only other gay people I am around are the people who go to my counseling program, but that is not a social event, you know? For some reason it makes me feel anxious inside and I have been writing in my Journal about this so I can figure it out.
Here is what I came up with so far:
WHY AM I STRESSING OVER THIS PARTY?
1. People might judge me. I am so sick and tired of worrying that people judge me for being gay. And, yes, I know every body at this Party is going to be gay, but for some reason that only makes me have a different kind of anxiety. Is every body going to be better looking than me? Are they going to think I am not gay enough? What if they talk about some thing that all gay people are suppose to know about and I am clueless and then come across as totally uncool and they ignore me and think I am weird? -- Stupid thinking, I know, but that is honestly what goes through my head some times.
2. What if I get there and don't want to try on any make-up and they think I'm judging them? I have never worn any make-up before and am not sure I want to try it. A bunch of the guys at my counseling program wear make-up and I think it looks good on them and I have all kinds of High Respect for them. Brad even wears some make-up and believe me he looks really good in it. Okay, since this is part of my Journal-writing, I have to be as honest as I can, so here goes: I have enough trouble being self-conscious over whether I am masculine enough. I think wearing make-up will just confuse me at this point because it is some thing that will push me way out of my comfort zone.
So Brad and Matty invited me and Rick to come to their house one night during the week to try on a little make-up just to see what it was like, and I think that might be a good idea. He even said Matty has tried make-up and all four of us can "practice" this week. So we will be doing that on Thursday night, I think. He said it will probably be a lot of fun because Matty will provide plenty of entertainment and I could even practice on him! LOL. Brad said he will explain things and help me try on what ever I am comfortable with. Plus Rick will be there and said he would like to try it, too.
So there you have it. After I wrote all this out in my Journal I felt a lot better. Even though Rick (my BOYFRIEND) can't go with me to the Party (*very sad face*), he is going with me to Brad and Matty's this week for our "Practice Make-Up" visit (*very happy face*). He said he had never worn any make-up before, but wants to see how we BOTH look with it!!! (*extreme happy face*)
When I showed Rick what I had written in my Journal, he said two basic things: (1) "I love the way you think and work things out. You're really amazing, you know that? (*blushing and turning red big-time*), and (2) "I don't think you could get any better looking, but if I'm wrong and the make-up makes how you look even better, then I might have to ravish you on the spot! . . . But only if Matty and Brad are not around!" (*turning NEON RED and blushing ALL OVER*).
When I was talking to Matty about my feelings, he said I shouldn't push myself to try any thing I wasn't ready to try, and it was even okay not to even want to try the makeup altogether. I think I might like to, just to see how I feel about it, but I don't want my reason to be so I can fit in. If I decide to try it, I want the reason to be for Me and not for any one else.
Brad told me it's normal to think about what other people think. We all do it, but he said I should remember that this is My life and no one else's. Then he said, "The only person you have to please is You. Not Rick. Not the people at the Party. Nobody but You." Oh, he also said he would stick by me at the Party the whole time, and that made me feel good.
All in all, some good advice and feedback. Well, maybe I'll end up moving this Party out of the "Stress" list and put it over in the "Self Care" list. Wouldn't that be cool? :)