Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Random thoughts

I've made a lot of progress in coming to terms with my ADHD, but sometimes it still feels like this huge burden, especially when I'm trying to slow my thinking down and stay focused on the really important things.

One thing I do to help matters is keeping a journal of the more persistent random thoughts that keep fighting for space in my head. Not sure why this helps. Maybe when I write these thoughts down, the thoughts feel I'm taking them seriously and they don't have to scream so loud.

Just some random thoughts that have been running through my head lately. . .

1. How much of my sense of humor is just a natural core part of my personality, and how much is a way to get people to like me because I'm basically insecure inside?

2. Did I decide to get a college degree because it's what was expected of me by others and I was afraid to assert my individuality? Was I afraid people would think I was not intelligent because I wanted to do more manual, blue collar work? My greatest ambition is to own my own business some day, so I guess my business degree might have a little value, but still, my academic business curriculum has been sooooo BORING!

3. When I was attacked, did I make myself an easier target by being so open about being gay? Was I focusing too much on my sexual orientation instead of focusing on just being a typical teenager?

4. When I'm on social media, why do I pretend to be so turned on by pictures of hyper-masculine men, when they don't do that much for me? Am I afraid of not fitting in? If people knew I was more drawn to attractive but ordinary-looking guys, will people think I'm more romantically driven than lust driven? And why is that a bad thing?

5. Why am I ashamed to admit that I have a hard time reading novels? It takes me forever to finish a book because I'm very picky and get bored easily. When I hear people talking about reading three or four books (or more) a month, why do I feel ashamed that it might take me a month or longer to finish one book?

6. When I'm arguing with someone and suddenly realize I'm wrong, I can never just admit it on the spot. I always have to get off by myself for a while so I can "recover" before admitting I was wrong.  And "recover" what? What the hell was at stake anyway?

So there you have it. Just a few of the many random thoughts that take up space in my head.


  1. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I have many of those same thoughts. Especially #4. But I figured out that I'm not really "attracted" to men like that, but I DO appreciate them aesthetically. They're pretty to look at, but not someone I'd be interested in getting to know based on just those looks. And just to confirm, there's NOTHING wrong with being more romantically driven.

    As for #6, I had to work long and hard to defeat that particular thing. But I just kept practicing saying, "You have a point there. Perhaps I've been looking at this wrong." I still don't much say, "Oh, I was wrong" until later, but I don't feel as much like I'm doing a 180 if I've already essentially said told them they have a good argument.

    I think the college thing and the book thing may be related. I never finished college and now, nearly 30 years later, I FINALLY don't find myself being defensive about it. I know I'm smart and capable, a degree wouldn't have changed that, but for years it felt like I was being judged for it, so if you can barrel through you should. If you don't, I wouldn't worry about it. You know your path forward. A lot of people aren't prolific readers, it comes easily to some and not so much to others (have you tried audio books? You might enjoy that experience more), but it has little to do with how smart you are. I gain a lot of knowledge from reading, but knowledge isn't intelligence.

    I don't even know if you wanted commentary on your random thoughts but those are mine :)

  2. Hi Cris. I hadn't even thought about audio books. I'm in the car or truck so much, I might give that a try. It'll be interesting to see if I can concentrate on the story and drive at the same time, but I'm going to give it a try. Thanks!

    1. Just a rec Matt, L.B. Gregg's Men of Smithfield books (Mark and Tony, and Seth and David) are both inexpensive on iTunes and hilarious. I'm fairly new to audio books but they made me LOL, and are not too long so a good place to start, IMO.
      Also, Megan Derr's Prisoner is long but AMAZING, it's fantasy and also an wicked good price on iTunes.

  3. For me, admitting that i'm wrong feels liberating. I don't have to waste time & mental energy defending a position that's indefensible. Imo, refusing to admit you're wrong is a symptom of feeling insecure about yourself. Human beings are fallible, including moi... even you :). Also, once you do it a few times & the world somehow keeps spinning, the easier it gets. The only downside for me is that i do it w/ no fuss the moment i realize i'm wrong, so people don't even notice that i have. So i still get accused of never admitting i'm wrong. There's no justice!

  4. Questioning ourselves; our choices and reasoning behind them is something we all do. I would suggest that you take it easy on yourself. You are doing the best you can. If you want to change your educational path, do it. You are not to blame for anyone else's actions, meaning the attack you suffered. Many, many people use humor to put themselves or others at ease and to get others to like them, so you are not alone in wondering about that! Everyone is turned on by different types. I am honest about what turns me on and I know that others will be turned off by it. You are no different in that you have a "type". We all do. Show us what you really like and we will happily provide you with photos! Lots of people read slowly and are easily distracted while doing so. I read pretty fast, but often go through periods where I can't concentrate and need to read short stories or watch TV instead of reading a long novel. The point of this long ramble it to try to put you at ease honey and to let you know that you are just like the rest of us. You just happen to have the insight to look at these traits and analyze them. That's something we can all learn from you. You are perfect just the way you are.

  5. Your sense of humor is natural of course. If we could call up humor when necessary we'd be rich comedians!

    My son got a business degree but doesn't want to work behind a desk. He's rethinking trade school as that's where the job demand is here anyway.

    You're proud of who you are and you were probably happy to know yourself. Why should you have hidden it?

    I think I know your taste now by the pics you post so it always surprises me what people post for you. That's on them not you. They're posting what they like. Don't feel you have to say anything but thanks or :)

    I'm a voracious reader and I could be in the middle of a great book but not be in the mood for it. I try not to say what I'm reading for that reason. I don't want the author to feel like something's wrong if I don't say anything in due time. Reading is not a race. I don't care how many I read last year so don't feel the need to pick a goal. Reading should be a pleasure so stop when it is.

    I respect people that can apologize. My esteem rises for them not falls. It's does take a secure personality to do it easily and not every situation is easy.

    Free Diagnosis: you're normal. And awesome :)

  6. Once again, I'm going to have to agree with are completely normal. Not sure if that's what you want to hear or not. LOL

  7. Normal's so BORING. Don't let them get away with calling you normal Matt :)!!

    1. HAHA! Sometimes I need a little boring in my life!! :)

  8. What I think:
    1. Your sense of humour is all you. All of us feel a bit insecure meeting new people, and want to be liked. Your being able to call upon your humour to help ease the situation is a gift that the deep down you uses to smack that insecure imp upside its head and say to it, "Oi, shut up you! Matt is a really nice guy who is funny, charming, and really, really good at shoveling snow!"

    2. I remember you talking to me about college one afternoon via FB. I got the impression that you want to build the very best you can, and also carry on your business so that it is not only successful at building, but gaining customers, and managing its funds well. Sure, others might have told you college was a good idea, but it's you and your own observation about what it takes to run a business, even one involving manual labour, that made you go. And one day when you do have to go some bank for a business loan, that is going to look reassuring on your application. And yes, that course work is boring. I think they paid some dudes to write textbooks in the most snooze inducing manner ever (they must have realized college students need lots of sleep!).

    3.Repeat after me: I got jumped because my attacker(s) were insecure asshats.

    Bullies like that attack kids for being poor, wearing the wrong shoes, having clothes from the wrong store, because they don't like their haircut, they don't play sports, on and on and on. They will find a reason to excuse their violent impulses. it's just like the ones who grow up to become spouse or child beaters. They always blame the victim and say they had it coming because... and it is all bull shit. The issue is 100% their own emotional and mental issues, not yours. And you know what? I've know straight guys get jumped for "looking at me the wrong way, must be a gooddamn faggot!" when they only happened to glance in the same general direction by chance and weren't even looking at the assholes.

    4. Just be yourself. if you can appreciate his beuaty, say so. But if you have something that is hotter to you, share that too. We'll also drool over that one. You've got nothing to prove to any of us, babes. And more ""ordinary guys? You're right, many of them are super hot. Especially if they are being kind to animals, children, or have a wicked grin. Heh.

    5. I read freakishly fast. It has always made me feel out of things, because I'd get a hand out and ziiiiip I'd read it, begin doing it or wait for the teacher to ask questions, and you betcha all the kids and teachers noticed Kimi wasn't reading. people make assumptions when you can read fast. "They must only be skimming." "She hasn't actually read it, she's just trying to be cool." "What a nerd." "If they can read so fast, how come they aren't so good at math? They aren't as smart as they want to think."

    It's also a disadvantage. When you try to savour abook and so manage to read Harry Potter in two days instead of one, come day 2, you are still left with nothing to read. And when you've gone through your local library, your husband's books, all yours, and find yourself voraciously reading ceral boxes and ancient Reader's digest to occupy your mind as it just HAS to read SOMETHING, you end up with severe book withdrawals. I'm not kidding.

    Anyway, the point of reading is to enjoy whatever you are reading. It doesn't matter how fast or how slow you read it. It only matters what you get out of having read it.

    6. I think it's great that you are able to go off for a bit, and reframe what occurred in your head and then become able to see if you were wrong, and have the chops to go back and apologize for it. That is such a mature thing.

  9. Matt, your brain works in fascinating ways. :) I hope getting this out of your head helps. Keep writing.

  10. Matty,
    I like the space in you head ;) You make me feel more normal.
    1. I am basically insecure and I use humor as a defense mechanism. Often though, I use humor inappropriately and then I just come off stupid.

    2. I didn't get a college degree because It hunk it was sort of the "expected" thing to do and I didn't know what I wanted. I was assertive enough to stop instead of wasting time and money. BUT, NOW (years later) I wish I would have gone and learned more when it was easier to do so. But on the other hand, Having taken a class NOW, I found I liked school WAY more and wanted to learn, I didn't want that back then. If you are driven by a dream, then taking your classes now is probably easier in the long run.

    3. I can't comment on this. It makes me sad to think that the issue even existed in your life for you to have to question it. BUT, do not think for a moment it was you, or your fault or your "focus" at the time. If you were attacked, it is all on the attacker! Just be yourself and hopefully your bravery will be an inspiration to others.

    4. I find that an interesting tie-bit about you. And really, I don't know much about you at all. I was drawn to you being in FB jail because of the speedo pics because I think FB is stupid sometimes and "imprisons" people for reasons I can not figure out. I think introverted people (like me) tend to keep many things close the the vest and it is hard to reveal everything on a social platform like this. Maybe part of you IS afraid of not fitting in. I know I spent many a year hiding my thoughts and feelings on MANY things. It is hard to be honest all the time and open because there are always going to be people who disagree and attack either physically, or mentally. In real life flesh, or on cyberspace. It is not wrong to be guarded.

    5. OMG I wish I was a reader. I am soooo not. I take months to read ONE book. Not a good trait for an author to have. I feel for you, bud.

    6. I HATE admitting I'm wrong. I struggle with this every day. I don't like using the words I'm sorry. It is a huge character -flaw. I need to change and grow, but I don't like admitting error, especially to the ones I love around me.

    So, Matt, You are not alone in you rambling thoughts. Let them flow! I find it refreshing to know people have some of the same thoughts I do. :)


  11. 1. A sense of humour is absolutely something you have inherently. Like many traits, it can be a tool that is used at different times for different reasons. And for the record, I love your sense of humour, both the larger than life version and the quieter version. As long as it makes you feel good when you engage others with it and not only use it as a mask, it's a good thing :-)

    2. It seems the whole college thing is a big part of the American culture. We don't have as big an emphasis on it being tied to intelligence here in Australia. All I would say is if you honestly can't see the value of the course you're doing, and there's no others you think would be appropriate to what you want to do, maybe the cost of it deserves a re-think. But don't drop it just because it's boring if you can see a how it could be applied to what you want to do later on down the track. It really is a far easier to absorb large chunks of new knowledge when you're younger,especially because you can often have more on your plate competing for your attention when you're older. Having said that, smaller, more manageable courses later on down the track may also be a good option.

    3. There is no excuse for bullying. Ever. Nobody should have to dampen a part of who they are for fear of being attacked. Those kind of people will resort to violence on any excuse. You didn't deserve to be assaulted.

    4. I think some of that is wanting to fit in and some of it is just not wanting to hurt the feelings of others. We all have different tastes and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not finding a particular type attractive. And I agree, boy-next-door types are gorgeous and I also prefer them over the pumped up muscle bound men, even if I can appreciate the aesthetics of some of them.

    5. Reading should be a pleasure, not a race. It takes you as long as it takes you, just enjoy what you get out of it.

    6. Admitting you were wrong is a difficult thing to do for most people to some degree. Whether you can do it on the spot or need to take a little time to adjust your thinking on the issue, the important thing is the admitting.

  12. I can't even blow my hair dry because I keep on thinking of things I want to say to you in regard to this post. OK, to start, this is the most honest post I've ever read. There should be an award for bravery given to people who can be this honest in public. I know you so much better after reading this, Matt. And about humor, I don't think it can be faked, and if it is forced people can tell. It is just part of who you are, but you use it as a tool because it comes naturally to you, and if you like it and we like it then it is all good.

    These are not in order- about admitting I was wrong. I LOVE ADMITTING I WAS WRONG. I find it freeing. I like it so much that I probably admit I'm wrong even when I know I am right.

    Even when you know for sure you want a college degree boring classes are just that--boring!!! It is not who you are that makes them boring. THEY ARE JUST BORING!!

    When you are reading for pleasure read at any freaking pace you like. Otherwise, it will no longer be reading for pleasure and you'll try to avoid it. No one who knows and cares about you cares how many/how often/how quickly you read.

    The attack. That was their problem. THEIRS. Something is wrong in society that you question your role/responsibility in it and that something needs desperately to be fixed.

    I feel better now that I got those things out.

  13. You gave us quite a homework assignment and as usual with homework, I put it off as long as possible,

    1. I think if you were truly insecure, you would be afraid of being humorous for fear of being rejected or put down. No, being humorous is just your natural way of being friendly.

    2. If you feel like you don't need a college degree to enter a job/career you like, you shouldn't feel like you have to do it right now. There was one kid in my high school that didn't go to college, but became a millionaire by the time he was 25. I don't think anyone considers him a failure.

    3. I think sometimes it is better being a live coward than a dead hero. I don't think anyone is wrong to be out and proud, but sometimes you have to decide whether it is in your best interest. If you are around bad people, your first interest should be survival. But how were you to know? You were just a kid trying to be yourself.

    4. Hypermasculinity for me is a turnoff. Phoniness and affectations of any kind are a turnoff. If someone is naturally good looking and naturally natural acting, that is a great combination!

    5. I have always had trouble reading a long book. I probably need to borrow some of your ADHD medication in order to do so.

    6. If you realize you are wrong or making a mistake, probably the best advice is to politely apologize and back away. Also being able to joke about yourself (not take yourself too seriously) is a great way out of any uncomfortable situation.

  14. Please stop questioning a sense of humour. It's a great thing to have, and wondering what the motivation is could result in you holding back! Appreciate humour, generate humour, and don't wonder about it! We need more humour in this world. Contribute! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    I started and finished college mostly because my dad wanted me to, but as I got more and more into it, I discovered a whole world of social opportunities, work opportunities, and eventually my first paid jobs (apart from a newspaper route). The degree has since been a point on my resume that sometimes got me past that first perusal by HR, and into the interview process. Do I feel like I absolutely needed it? Hmmmm...I have a degree in Speech, and have been an engineer all my life. That ought to tell you something.

    I dunno about #3. At that age, your sexuality is a HUGE part of your personality, and if you look at it from an outsider's POV, you'll see that everyone else was also "strutting their stuff". There just happened to be some bigots who were threatened by someone so secure in their own sexuality that they had to lash out against him (you).

    #4 - meh on the bears, the musclemen, etc. LIKE what you like, ignore the rest. Let people think what they will. Meh on them.

    I love audio books. Especially on long commutes or trips. I find I can concentrate just fine. But it can take me a while to read a novel, too. I like my Kindle and real books equally well, and prefer to take time to absorb the content. So what if it takes a month?

    In the heat of the moment, it's hard for me to say "I'm wrong", no matter the size of the realization. I can say "I'm sorry" much easier. Don't know why. So this tells me you are as normal as can be.

    Randomness is a good thing. Too tight and you wind up in a rut. Nice post, Matt!

    Peace <3

  15. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, Matt.

    I remember my Dad would never admit he was wrong in an argument which was very frustrating when I was a child and teenager, but there would come a point when he would realise he was in the wrong, and then he would get a humorous glint in his eye and start to make more and more extreme statements on his side of the argument until we both burst out laughing. I'm smiling just remembering. :)

  16. Hi Matty,

    Don't know where I was when this post happened yesterday, but I just didn't see it until now. :)

    I loved what Jay said about humor. We all need as much as we can get. I can't believe yours isn't a real part of your personality, or you couldn't keep it up. You would just know; it would wear you down if it wan't the real you.

    I agree some parts of getting a college ed. are dead boring. I think the idea is, it gives you opportunites to explore learning you might not have considered. I hope there are some courses you really enjoy. Ultimately I think you will glad you went through it. If nothing else, there will be a sense of accomplishment.

    Regarding the attack, again I agree with Jay's POV. You behaved in a way that felt right at that time in your life. You do yourself a disservice trying to mentally relive what you should have done. You're here, Matty. That's all that counts.

    As for muscle men/bears, from my (female) POV, they're not my cup of tea either. Perhaps discontinue commenting on it altogether on social media if you are not comfortable expressing your true feelings.

    About the reading: you have brought this up before, so you are not opposed to mentioning it. I have a friend who can't settle down to read and enjoy a book, and she doesn't even try anymore. You are still making the effort, so I have to assume there continues to be some level of enjoyment. What possible difference does it make how long it takes to read a book? Just take whatever time you can give it. Reading is amazing, and you don't owe anyone an explanation on timelines! A side comment on audio books: I like them and the idea of them. My problem is: I have to stop everything I am doing to fully concentrate on what I am listening to. If I was concentrating on driving, which I should be, I could never keep my mind on what was happening in a story!

    As for #6, Matty, all you are saying is you have a healthy, fully-functioning ego. Not only that, but a nice one. Because eventually you will come back and maybe say, "I was wrong." Some people go their entire lives and can't say that!

    Thanks again for being brave enough to share a big part of yourself with us. (((Hugs)))

  17. Life is a work-in-progress, and self-reflection is always a good thing. :-) Even though you described these as random thoughts, I see a common theme with most of them: you worry about what other people think of you. Most people do, to some extent. The journal writing sounds like a great idea. Maybe it will help you focus on what YOU truly like and want for yourself.

    I know I would much rather get to know the real Matty! :-)

    By the way, I am also most attracted to ordinary looking guys. I have a folder of pics on my computer and a pinterest board of gay couples, and they're mostly everyday-looking guys. Those are the ones I love. The guys that look like models don't have the same appeal - maybe because I know they're acting.

    Are you still seeing a counselor? How's that been going? xoxo

  18. I could be wrong about this, but i'm pretty sure i'm not. It seems to me that most people get the concept of a strong ego completely backwards. Imo, people with truly strong egos are secure, not insecure. This means they don't feel any need to: brag/impress other people/act "superior" to others/talk & never listen/pretend to know things they don't/fear admitting mistakes. People w/ supposedly "big" egos who do those types of things are actually very insecure, w/ damaged self-images and weak or fragile egos. Donald Trump, for example, is way over-compensating for some deep-seated insecurity he never wants the world to see.

  19. Matt, I think most of these are things that we all deal with. Maybe some people have already said some of this but here goes.
    1. As for your sense of humor being part of who you are or being a defense mechanism, my husband always says that the reason he developed his sense of humor was to avoid conflict. Maybe it wasn't always part of who he is but it is part of who he is now, I think the same can be said for you. Plus having a good sense of humor is never a bad thing, enjoy that you make people laugh, it is a good skill and not one that everyone has. :)
    2. It took me a long time to figure this out but, for me and for a lot of people I know, college wasn't so much about the classes and what was learned from the books. I don't use much of what I learned in what I do and neither do most of the people I know. What I do use? I learned how to think, I learned how to solve problems and to look at things from different perspectives. But a lot of what I learned was how to get along with other people. If the classes aren't doing what you need them to do then maybe you don't need them or maybe take a break, you may find you want to explore them again some other time.
    3. Don't ever feel like you are to blame for that. People aren't attacked because of what they did or didn't do, they are attacked by people that are weak and hateful. I hate that this even enters your mind.
    4. It's easy to get caught up in something like that, you start out with some random comment or something and suddenly it takes on a life of it's own. I think we all know that you are a romantic at heart, you are a sweetheart and I doubt anyone thinks you are lust driven, well maybe sometimes ;) But if you're not comfortable with it then just stop commenting, at some point it will die off. Maybe you can post some pictures of what you do like, sweet pictures that make you smile, people will catch on and start sharing those with you then.
    5. Since so many of your friends here are avid readers I am sure it's hard to admit to that. But not everyone is a reader. Not everyone loves snow. ;P Do what makes you happy, we all love hearing about your happiness!
    6. This is hard for most people, it doesn't feel good when you are wrong, especially if you've been arguing a point. But people will respect you when you admit it, even if you have to go back to the issue at a later time. It's not easy but in the end you'll feel better, I always do.
    Just the fact that you think about these things, that you question your response to things means that you are doing much better than a lot, maybe most people. Thank you for always trying to be a better version of yourself!

  20. A great post from one of the most self-actualized people I "know." Self-actualization is a feat for anyone, but to want it, work at it, and accomplish it when you're ADHD is a superhuman feat. My hat's off to you, Matty.