Monday, August 19, 2013
When I first knew I loved Matty
...I first told Matty that I came very close to committing suicide when I was 16.
I knew I was falling in love with him -- or was already there -- and before I told him "I love you" I wanted to make sure he knew as much about me as I felt he needed to know so he could decide whether I was "damaged goods" (which is what I thought I was at the time) and wanted to back out before we got any deeper.
It was the very first time I ever saw him break down and cry. Hard. Really hard.
He was holding me really tight when he broke down crying. I had no idea what was going through his head at the time, and this made me break down and cry, too.
At first I thought I'd made a big mistake by telling him. I was bracing myself for him telling me that he needed some time to think about our relationship, or that this was just too much for him to handle. Damaged goods, was all I could think.
After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I'm glad you told me. Do you feel like telling me the whole story? Or as much as you want to tell me?"
I could tell by the look in his eyes he was interested in more than "just the facts" about what happened. I could tell he wanted to know me. Not just what led up to making me want to end my life, but he wanted to know more. Not just things about me... He wanted to know me.
So we stayed up almost the entire night. Talking. Crying. Holding each other.
I not only gave him all the details I could remember about my childhood, my relationship with my dad, my mom, my sister... It felt like I was giving him me. I felt scared and safe, at the same time.
After talking about everything for hours, we paused for maybe ten minutes. A lot was going through both our heads. We were just holding each other, not saying a word.
Then I realized he was rocking me. Gently.
For some reason I remember it was 3:00 a.m. when he said his words to me. "I love you."
That was the night I knew I was loved. And could believe it and trust it.
When it hit me what was happening... that I was loved... that I was cherished... that I was safe... that I could completely trust him... with everything... that I had his very heart...
...it was at exactly 3:14 a.m. that I no longer believed I was damaged goods.
At exactly 3:16 a.m. that very early morning just a few days shy of my 18th birthday, I said those three very special magical words that gave him my heart. Forever.