It's annoying because it interrupts the story I'm trying to get him to believe. It may be similar to what happens when authors are trying to write their story and all of a sudden the character looks up from the page with a big smirk on his face and dares the author to get inside what's really going on in his head. It's like a challenge of some kind.
When I do censor my thoughts, it's not some kind of game I'm playing. Not intentionally. Sometimes I just get lost in my story... the story we probably all have going on inside our head about our past, our present, and our future. The story we want to believe about what our lives really mean, even if we hedge sometimes.
I had some spare time between classes the other day and did this experiment where I wrote out some of the thoughts in my head. I challenged myself not to do any censoring, just to see what's really there. I figured if I didn't like what I wrote then I'd have something interesting to think about. Here are some of the things that came out of my head:
- Sometimes I think people say nice things to me because they feel sorry for me.
- Music is very, very personal to me. I love Blues because it's all about feelings. The really good blues singers open themselves up and I feel like I'm in church listening to God speak directly to me.
- Sometimes I hate my dad and don't want to understand where he's coming from when he tries to manipulate or bully me.
- Sometimes I worry about what would happen to me if Matty died. It's the only time I think about suicide.
- Occasionally when I hear a homophobic comment, I wonder if they're right and I'm a bad person because I'm gay.
- Sometimes I wish I could be like other kids my age. There are a few times when it's felt worth it to put on an act and try to be one of the "cool kids" just so they'll like me and I'll fit in. But when I try, I end up hating myself afterwards because I sacrifice my true individuality.
- Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have sex with a girl.
- There have been a few times when I felt like I was going to lose control and become violent when I overheard people make fun of guys who are femme or effeminate.
- Sometimes I think my thoughts are all screwed up and I should be ashamed of having them.
- Sometimes I question whether I'm worthy of Matty's love. Somehow he always knows when I'm feeling that and all my doubts go away when he lightly brushes my cheek with his hand and his eyes give me this look that is so full of love it makes me cry.