The Joy (we think) of Living Together

OK, this is our last post before we move. I just wanted to bring Adara's comment from Monday over to this post. She just put it up a short while ago, so some of you may have missed it. Matty and I had a real laugh. Hope you enjoy.

Do you have any short funny scenarios you want to share?

We'll see you Monday!

==============================================================

Adara said...

It'll be lots of fun in a new home right up until:

M: "The lawn needs mowing."
B: "I did the gutters. You do the lawn."
M: "I just did the porch rails. You do the lawn."
B: "I did the laundry."
M: "I did the dishes."
B: "I did the vacuuming."
M: "I did the dusting."
B: "I did the toilets."
M: "I have to read for class tomorrow. You do the lawn."
B: "Dammit, I always lose!"

;)

September 29, 2011 8:23 AM

Here Till the End

As Matty and I are getting ready to move in together this weekend, we want to thank Mary for sending us this video. We haven't heard of the singer/songwriter Tim Goss but we really like this song. Thought we'd share it with all of you.

Just a Short Update

It's hard to believe we're down to the wire with our move. The people currently in the house are moving out on Thursday so we'll start moving things in on Friday. The bed will be delivered on Saturday, October 1st (you know the one, for the Master Sex Chamber!). So, that will be our first night there.

We're going to use Friday to make sure the former tenants did a good job of cleaning and probably move in a few things that day. Plus we need to make sure some of the "essentials" are in place for BIP-AHHM on Saturday, like plenty of cool drinking water, lots of snacks, plates, forks, spoons, pots and pans and all the ingredients for the Thank You Spaghetti Dinner I'm cooking for everyone (thanks for that great suggestion, C.J.).

I feel really good about this move. I'm glad I have lots more time than Matty so I can take care of all the details and coordinate everything and he gets to devote his time to his schoolwork.

This is not only really exciting, but I have to say it's also a little daunting. Not only is the actual moving of "stuff" pretty involved, but it's a little bit nerve-wracking (is that even a word?). I mean, I think it's going to feel a little bit weird to not be living at home with our parents and sibs, but instead to have this whole house to ourselves that we're going to make into "our" home. It feels like a HUGE grown-up thing to do. I mean, all the responsibility involved.

At first it felt like it was going to be all "fun and games." I'm sure it will be fun once we get settled. But then there's this feeling we're moving into another phase of our relationship. It's kind of hard to explain, but it just feels like a huge responsibility. And we're just moving across town and it's not like we're leaving our family and friends and starting a whole new life in some unfamiliar part of the country.

I'm sure it will be fine. I'm trying to enjoy the process of getting ready to move. Then I want to enjoy the actual moving. Then, finally, I want to enjoy what lies ahead of us once we're actually in the house.

It may sound silly, but I've been thinking a lot about the difference between a "house" and a "home." We're moving into a "house," the actual building. But what's inside that building will be our "home." That's what we're creating. A little daunting, yes. But that's what love is all about.

Boys in Pearls and High Heels Movers

BIP-AHHM. How you like that name? "Boys in Pearls and High Heels Movers"?

I've been able to round up some other gay guys to help Matty and I move next weekend. Can you believe it's almost here?? YAY! It's a lot of work, even though we're just moving across town.

You remember that guy Matty met in one of his classes. "Mike"? He wrote about how he met him (in his post on being Cruised on Campus) and then how I met him. Well, we've become really good friends with him. He and I refer to ourselves as The Sisters! He's so much fun. He also likes to wear eyeliner and femme it up sometimes, so we're adopted each other as Sisters!

Well, Mike offered to help with our move and he rounded up three other gay guys he knows to help us! So we've been thinking about names for our "Moving Company" and came up with this spiffy title: BIP-AHHM, or, "Boys in Pearls and High Heels Movers."

It's actually making the whole moving thing a lot more fun, and we're making more friends!

I'm still in charge of all the details for moving, like getting the utilities arranged and doing the packing, etc. Plus BIP-AHHM is helping think about all kinds of ideas and ways to make the move easier. I mean, if we're gonna move in High Heels, we gotta think this whole thing through, right? Don't want nobody getting hurt with twisted ankles wearing those heels while trying to haul boxes inside and clean up afterwards. I mean, this thing has to be really thought through in a very thorough manner!

So, while I'm doing all this, Matty is staying very busy with his school work. I'm so proud of him. He's gotten himself all organized and into a routine that's making everything much easier for him to be the scholar I know he can be!

Plus, if he doesn't stay on top of his school work, we've formed another group called SOMA, which stands for "Sister's On Matty's Ass"!! And believe me, he's not gonna wanna have these Sisters getting on his case. He just laughed when we told him about SOMA. And he knows we means business!!

So, the moving process is coming along better than we expected. Matty's staying on top of his school work. The Sisters are gonna move us. And Matty's doing his best to keep SOMA happy!

We just have to make sure those high heels don't give us any problems!

In Honor of Jamey Rodemeyer, Age 14

I had put up another video earlier that I'm taking down now. It was about Jay Leno interviewing presidential candidate Michele Bachman about her views on gay marriage, etc. I found something else that I think is really worth more than listening to that creep. So, I'm putting this up instead. I can hardly type cause I'm crying. --Brad

Jamey Rodemeyer, 14, Dies in Suicide

Source: Advocate.com (Sept. 20, 2011).

Another tragic reminder that bullying against gay youth is a continuing problem comes with the suicide of a 14-year-old boy, Jamey Rodemeyer, who had asked for help repeatedly.

The Buffalo, New York, teen died on Sunday, his body found later outside his home after an apparent suicide, according to the Buffalo News. His death followed not only taping his own It Gets Better video, but also blogging on Tumblr about the bullying at school that just wouldn't stop.

"I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens," he wrote on September 9. "What do I have to do so people will listen to me?"

In May, he was on a high after coming out to friends, and he pointed to the support from people online as the reason it gets better.

"I have so much support from people I don't even know online," he told the camera. "They don't ever want me to die."

Reaction on Tumblr has been of shock and sadness.

"Jamey Rodemeyer is dead? I’ve followed him on Tumblr since I made mine," wrote one person. "I can’t believe this. I don’t even know what to say. Although I didn’t know him in real life, it’s hard to cope with his suicide."

"He lived 45 minutes away from me," another said. "It kills me to think that not even one person could stand up for this kid."

Rodemeyer said in his It Gets Better video that he was being taunted in the hallways of his school.

"I felt like I could never escape it," said Rodemeyer, who claimed Lady Gaga as his inspiration for keeping his head held high.

Dan Savage reacted to the news on his blog, calling for those "who tormented this vulnerable kid" to "be held to account — not bullied themselves, not prosecuted or persecuted, but held to account — for their actions, for their hate, for the harm they've caused."

The It Gets Better project was founded to help kids get through times like Rodemeyer faced.

"The point of the 'It Gets Better' project is to give kids like Jamey Rodemeyer hope for their futures. But sometimes hope isn't enough," Savage wrote. "Sometimes the damage done by hate and by haters is simply too great. Sometimes the future seems too remote. And those are the times our hearts break." 

Watch other videos from Rodemeyer on the following pages. He talks about gay people being called "disgusting" by other students in class, about his belief that same-sex marriage should be legal, and about how Lady Gaga is "the reason why I am alive."

The Blog, Matty's Request and the Big Move

Hi everybody.

Just wanted to give an update on a couple of things.

1. The Blog. As you know, Matty and I are moving in together October 1st. This means we have a lot to do between now and then. So, we're probably going to be posting a little less frequently for a while, at least until we get a little more settled. But, we'll see. We might be putting up something 2 or 3 times a week instead how much we're doing now.

2. Matty's Request. Matty wanted me to share something. He was talking to me about some of the things he's working on with this school counselor he's been seeing. They have this resource center for students who have different kinds of learning disabilities and attention deficit issues. They also help students who want to learn better study skills, etc. So, he's got some good "general" suggestions about how to manage things from there and asked me if I would be willing to help him come up with some "specific" ideas we could look at. Of course I'd do anything to help, so we're going to be sitting down after I look at all those "general" ideas and help him see how to apply them to his own situation. It makes me feel good that he asked for my help. I'd do anything for him, like I know he'd do anything for me.

3. The Big Move. Just an update on "The Big Move." We finally decided to buy a King size bed! You guys were right, those monsters are expensive. But, we've been saving  money for quite a while now and last weekend went out to "test drive" a few models! That was so much fun. We went to this really cool furniture "paradise" that's popular here in this area and the sales people were so much fun. We told our saleswoman what we were looking for but just wanted to start with the bedroom. She was so cool and so much fun. She listened to our pros and cons of Queen vs King and then said she had a recommendation if we wanted to hear it. 

She said since it's our first home and we were so cute together (!!!), she would highly recommend the King size bed. "You'll have so much more room to sleep. If you want to cuddle, you can do that. If you want to spread out, you can do that. And, you won't be falling off the mattress when you're having your fun time together." Can you believe this woman? And her sense of humor and comfort level with us? She was so excited for us!

She got us to get on some of the mattresses to see what kind of "firmness" we wanted. We just looked at her and burst out laughing. Then she got the joke about "firmness on the mattress," and nearly died laughing with us. We were all laughing so hard, some other customers came over to see what was so funny. We told her we wanted her to help us furnish the rest of the house when we got ready.

We're still voting on what to call our bedroom. Right now it's a tie: "Master Bedroom" has one vote (Brad), and "Sex Chamber" has one vote (guess who?). ..... In spite of all the stress, this really is a lot of fun! It's also fun to have all of you share our excitement. But no sharing our bed in the "Master Bedroom/Sex Chamber." There's always the guest bedroom you guys can use!

Getting Cruised on Campus (part 2)

Taa Daaaa! Here I am on Friday like I said I would try to be.

If you haven't read what I wrote two days ago, this probably won't make much sense.

I also want to say that in the interest of my own sanity, I'm going to try and keep my posts shorter than usual. Starting today. I get too carried away with what I'm saying and tend to throw in all kinds of details that have nothing to do with what I'm really trying to get at.

Anyway, getting back to that guy I was talking to on campus. I'll call him "Mike," which is not his real name.

When I got with Brad later that night I was telling him all about my day and he was telling me about his. I told him some more about meeting Mike and checked again to see if he was okay with meeting him on Thursday. He again just said, "Yeah, that's cool."

Well, as you may know this about me by now, I tend to go on and on sometimes when I should just keep things short. To be honest I was still feeling a little guilty about how I handled the flirty thing with Mike and to Brad's credit, he didn't seem bothered about it at all. This was all coming from me.

So, since I was still feeling some guilt I started explaining all over again how we met and what happened. Brad was just listening and smiling. But can Matt make situations worse than they need to be? Yeah, I'm pretty good at that. It felt really good that Brad was trusting me and didn't seem the least bit jealous. So, what do I do but throw in that thing about his freckles (!).

Brad was still listening and seemed to be enjoying the whole thing. Then he just looked at me and said, "Do you have a crush on this guy?"

Well, I then got defensive which really made the whole thing worse. I realize now that Brad was just asking a simple question and was kind of enjoying the whole thing. But I was getting all nervous inside like I had done this really bad thing. I totally get (now) that I was feeling guilty and this was coming across and making Brad feel suspicious.

At the end of our talk, when I was able to think clearly, I just said I had been feeling guilty. Brad reassured me he didn't think I had anything to feel guilty about and he really was cool with the whole thing. Plus, he said something like, "I don't care if you have an innocent crush on him. He sounds like a sweet guy. But if you're trying to tell me you want to keep flirting with him, well, then we've got a problem."

After explaining that I had no interest in the guy, other than seeing if we could be friends, Brad said his typical (and sincere), "Cool. I'd like to meet him."

So yesterday when Brad was on campus for his class, the three of us met. I could tell Mike was slightly nervous at first, but Brad was his little charming self and was so friendly with him that the two of them really hit it off. After a little while, he and Brad were talking about how they both liked to sometimes wear a little eye-liner. Well, that opened up a whole topic about how they both liked to femme it up sometimes. And there I am, just sitting back, watching and listening to the two of them have a good time realizing they both had some things in common. For a while I didn't say anything because I was actually enjoying watching them.

They both try to bring me in the conversation and the whole thing ended up being a lot of fun. We told Mike we were moving in together on October 1st and he asked if he could help us move. Brad looked at me and I just said, "Oh yeah, that'd be great. I mean, if you really want to." He said it would be a relief to get off campus and out of the dorm, so now we have an extra hand!

Mike also offered to give us any ideas about decorating since he has always been his family's "interior designer" and always liked doing that. So Brad and I both said, almost at the same time, "Hey, we could use all the help we can get."

Okay, let me check and see how long this post is. Give me just a minute.

Not too long, so I'll just add two more short things.

First, later that night Brad and I agreed he seemed like a really cool guy and we both look forward to being friends with him.

Second, Brad just couldn't resist teasing me, and said, in his best flirty voice, "And you're right about those freckles. And did you notice how long his eye lashes were?" {He had this fake-dreamy look in his eyes, and was licking his lips}

I just broke out laughing and tackled him, holding him down and planting these kisses all over him. While I was on top of him, I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "You just remember, big boy, I saw him first!" Then I started stripping his clothes off. {He didn't offer any resistance, either}

He spent last night at my house and, well, we had some of the best sex we've had in a while, and that's saying a lot! I am so totally in love with you, Brad.

Getting Cruised on Campus (part 1.5)

Seems like I'm doing a lot of apologizing lately, more than I hope I ever have to do again in my life. Public apologies, private apologies, internal apologies from myself to myself... It's got to end soon.

So I'm going to add one more apology to all of you. Seems like I'm getting good at saying "I'm sorry" but it never, ever is easy to do.

I really am a good person. At least I can say that and feel good about it and not apologize. 

Sometimes, however, I do and say things without thinking everything all the way through, which I constantly have to be on top of. Sometimes I say things that come out of my mouth the wrong way and I have to apologize. Sometimes my ideas and plans are way too big for any person to follow through with and I have to apologize.

But, I take responsibility for myself and keep trying to do better. And keep trying to be a better person. I really do.

So here's Apology Number 5,462 (at least it feels that many) over the past three-week period:

When I wrote yesterday's post I realized way too late that it was going on longer than I even realized. Sometimes when I start something I loose track of time. So, I had to abruptly end the post and get my ass to school. I said I would finish with the details today.

Well, guess what? This is Thursday and I have an early afternoon class and a late afternoon class. AND I have to get myself to the library early this morning to finish some reading and complete an assignment.

So, I'm getting ready to leave home now and won't be able to finish what I started yesterday. Another example of how I sometimes don't take the time to plan ahead. Another example of how I also loose track of time.

And my apologies to you for not being at my best. I'll have to finish what I was telling you about tomorrow. And, yes, I've checked and my Friday schedule is a whole lot lighter than the others. I've blocked out time to finish what I started.

I hesitate to promise. I'm tired of apologizing. But this is what I can say with absolute certainty: I will do my best.

Thanks for putting up with all this.

Matt

Getting Cruised on Campus (part 1)

OK, so some times my mind is in the gutter. And don't tell me your mind doesn't go there sometimes, too. I know it does. You're out in public and your eyes make you see certain guys who, for different reasons, come into your line of vision and you let yourself linger a little longer than you should and you start making up this fantasy about what he looks like naked, which then progresses into what he might be like in bed. Sorta like making this little porno movie in your head that's only about the sex and has nothing to do with who this guy is as a real person.

Then there are those times that are in a different category altogether. Not "gutter-looking," but more like just innocently noticing an attractive guy. Brad and I have talked before about how we might be riding around, for example, and we both might do a double-take on some guy. Just boy-watching is all it is. Sometimes we both turn our heads toward the same guy, chuckle, and then there's this little sly grin that breaks out between us. Most of the time we don't have to say a word. That mutual sly grin says it all. It's kinda fun, ya know? Totally innocent. Life goes on. Eyes back on the road. We get back to talking about whatever lofty subject we were on. You know, the meaning of life, what Beckett was trying to get at in Waiting for Godot, the pros and cons of vegan, and that all important topic of do we stop at McDonald's for a burger until we decide!

That first category ("gutter-looking" leading to a porno movie in your mind) involves no one getting hurt. It just leads to your body getting flooded with all those hormones responsible for making you super-horny... like when you actually watch a real porno movie.

That second category ("boy watching") is also innocent. Just appreciating a nice-looking guy walking down the street.

Then there's another category when you decide to let what's happening in your brain grab you by the, well, uh, genitals and leads you to make a move on somebody. Active flirting. Cruising. It's what happened when I first laid eyes on Brad at my eighteenth birthday party and went over to talk to him... kind of in a mental daze because I thought I had instantly fallen in love! That's what it felt like. Of course, it was just "falling in lust," pure and simple. So I'm not knocking "falling in lust" because, for us, it then led to us dating and, well, you know the rest of the story. Here we are now. Not in lust anymore (though lust makes it's appearance at all the right times!), but in love.

Why am I rambling on like this? I just read back over everything I wrote and almost deleted it so I could start over again. I decided to leave it in, I guess, so I could tell you where I'm coming from in the real point of this post. So bear with me while I continue.

The only guy I've ever actively flirted with with any degree of mission has been Brad. I had some serious crushes on a few guys in high school, all of whom were straight with girlfriends, but never made any moves on any of them. I have to admit some of those crushes made my brain do some gutter-porno movies, but it was all in my head and the only action I ever took was with my "handy hand" in the privacy of my bedroom or shower.

Before Brad, there were a few guys who flirted with me, but I was never confident enough or, to be honest, knew what you're suppose to say to get from point A to point B or C or D or... you get the picture. It was always kind of anxiety provoking and, whether you believe this or not, I'm actually kind of shy when it comes to that kind of thing. I mean, when I know the rules and routine of doing something socially, I'm pretty good at it. But "flirting on a mission" has never been something I've been confident about. Something different kicked in that day I met Brad and I started making the moves. I have no idea how to explain it. It just happened. That's all I can say.

So, the real point of this post is this. A couple of days ago at school I was being cruised by this guy on campus. It took me a while to realize that's what was happening. I decided to write about it... well, I know you're not suppose to give the ending away, but you'll see the point (I hope) when I get to the end.

So, there's this guy in my Intro to Psychology class who had been sitting opposite me at this long table in the classroom during my first week in school, which was last week. If you remember, I was a "wee bit nervous" (understatement of the year) and anxious and on the edge of a full-blown nuclear panic attack that week. I was taking notes like crazy, like I was a court transcriber who had to get every word being said from the witness! When the prof took a 10 second break for a sip of water, I would glance up and look around to see if anybody else was about to go mental like me. Then I'd be back to taking notes. I sorta started relaxing after a while and tried to just go with the flow. Most of the stuff the prof was talking about was just explaining what the course is, etc.

Anyway, every time I would look around the class, that guy sitting across from me would smile at me. Not in a creepy way. He actually had a cute mischievous look to him. I sotra gave him a little smile back but didn't linger.

Well, at the end of class I looked up and noticed him gathering all his stuff, getting ready to leave the classroom like me and everybody else, and he glances over and smiles again and does that slight nod of the head guys do with each other. Sorta like, "How ya doing?" except it's all non verbal. I just did a little nod back and grabbed my stuff and left.

This week, we were sitting in about the same location with us facing each other. He smiles and nods. I smile and nod back. The smile thing goes on a few more times during class. Well, this week I'm all cool and collected compared to last week. My nerves have been taking a nap and I feel like I'm returning to my normal self.

So, I'm sitting there and it's dawning on me that he's actually flirting with me. And I've been all smiley and doing that nodding thing back. So, guess what happens? That's right, my nerves wake up from their nap and I'm getting all freaky inside. What the hell am I doing? So, I go back into "scholar" mode and start taking more notes and keep my head down.

When class is over, he's sorta lingering at the door and we walk out together. I don't want to give the wrong impression about him. He's really not overdoing anything or acting like a stalker. Sitting across the table from me he looked like he was not a day over 16. But standing up and chatting, he looked a little older, like he was probably 18. He's got this "boy-next-door" look, tall and slender, blonde hair and a few freckles. No, I'm not checking him out, but he did have those freckles.

OK, so I was noticing him more than I said. He really did have this adorable and innocent look about him and he was being friendly. He introduced himself and I did likewise. He asked me if I had another class right then, which I didn't, and asked if I wanted to grab a soda or coffee. So I said, "Sure." Then we headed to this cafe/snack bar in the building next to where we were.

We get there and he's asking me where I'm from, etc.... He tells me he's from this state out in the midwest and his home is about a hundred miles from the nearest big city. He's living in one of the dorms and said he was feeling a little overwhelmed by the number of people everywhere.

So, I'm now thinking maybe he's just lonesome and is trying to zero in on a few people he can be friends with. I can handle that. I can certainly identify with feeling overwhelmed.

Then he asks me if I've made any friends on campus. I tell him I've talked to a few people who seem nice, but it's just the second week. Then I had this gut feeling that, yeah, maybe he is lonesome or something, but he had that shy look on his face and something about the way he was smiling told me he actually was doing some low-key flirting.

So, I use this opportunity to tell him that the only person on campus I know really well is my boyfriend who is taking one class on Thursdays.

Now he's slowly and slightly nodding his head as he takes this in. Then his face starts blushing and he sorta does a little gulp. He gets really quite and I realize he's going into embarassment mode. So now I'm feeling bad that I didn't make this known earlier. He really seemed like a nice, decent guy and I now I'm trying to think about how to put him at ease.

So I tell him I should have said something earlier and he jumps in and apologizes for being so forward. I just said something like, "Hey, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn't do anything wrong. I really am trying to make a few friends, and, well, maybe we can hang out together." He just looks at me and said, "You sure?" So I said, "Yeah. That'd be nice. I'd like you to meet my boyfriend if you're around on Thursday." He asks, "Will he be cool with that?" Now I'm chuckling and just say, "Yeah. Why wouldn't he be cool with it? We're both wanting to make some friends and so far haven't met any other gay people here. Uh, I guess I'm assuming you're gay. Sorry about that... Now I'm totally embarrassed because you might be bi or straight, or..." And now I'm the one blushing.

So, he tells me he's gay and would really like to hang out with the two of us. So we make plans to meet at a certain time and place tomorrow when Brad's going to be on campus. We talk a little more and finish our coffee. We get ready to leave and both go through our apologies to each other again and it's actually kinda sweet, ya know?

When I leave campus I call Brad to tell him about it. The whole thing. All he says is, "Cool." When we get together later that night we talk some more about it and the conversation starts taking twists and turns I hadn't anticipated. Now I'm realizing the whole thing is a little more complicated than just, "Cool." We talk some more and, well, Thursday is tomorrow, and... I have to leave now and get myself to class. Sorry. Details will follow tomorrow.

Stepping Up

Before I left for classes this morning (I'm in the library now) I went over to Goodreads to check messages and see what was happening.

There's one person over there I had a little chat with yesterday and I went to her profile page today just to see what books she's reading. I was just planning to spend maybe 2 or 3 minutes there and then log-off and head to campus. Well, I scrolled down a little to where she had posted some of her favorite quotes and read the one I'm going to share with all of you today. Before I even got to the end of the quote, I started getting a lump in my throat. Then I started getting that feeling you always have right before you start crying (you know that feeling I'm talking about, right?). Then I got to the end and just lost it. I started bawling. Not out-of-control bawling, but really crying hard. 

After I got it together, I put just a little comment after the quote saying how I felt like it really spoke to me big-time. It was like somebody put into words something that gave me a boost and courage to "step up" when I face hard things in my life.

And I have been doing a lot of hard things lately. Things that haven't been easy for me. Like apologizing for things I've done wrong. Like quitting my job. Like starting college. Like trying to take some more steps toward adulthood. Like trying to be all I can to the man I love.

I have to keep remembering that I'm nineteen years old. Sometimes think I have myself all figured out. Yeah right.

Sometimes I think I have other people all figured out. Yeah right. 

Sometimes I think I have groups of people all figured out. Yeah right.

Sometimes I think I have the world all figured out. Yeah right.

Sometimes I put more stock in appearances and you would think silly things like how my hair looks really matter in the whole scheme of things. Or whether my clothes are "cool" enough and people are going to like me because of my outward appearance.

Then when I face the real things in life, the hard things, I realize all those outward things don't count for crap. I'm learning that the real things in life are usually hard. And it takes a lot of courage and support when those things happen. But the hard things can be done. It's just that sometimes I have to learn the hard things the hard way.

The quote is from a novel by Ben Monopoli called, The Painting of Porcupine City. I haven't read the book (yet) so I can't put the quote in context. Until I read the book, it's just going to have to suffice that it's a quote "in abstract" that means a lot to me right now. Anyway, I'll be rereading it throughout the day so maybe it will sink in this hard scull of mine:

"It's not about who you sleep with, or whether you know about sports or tools or have a pearl-wearing wife or whether commercials make you cry. [...] it's about whether you step up. When something hard comes along. A man steps up. He doesn't dodge it or run away from it or try to push it onto someone else. He steps up. Even if it isn't his responsibility. And that's why there are so many guys and so few men. Because stepping up is hard."
— Ben Monopoli (The Painting of Porcupine City: A Novel)

Thank you, Mr. Monopoli.

Remembering September 11, 2001

Brad and I don't usually post anything on Sundays, but we thought we would say something about this 10th anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks.

We were both pretty young on that day. I was 9 years old and Brad was 8 (soon to turn 9 a few months later).

My dad had saved his New York Times newspaper dated September 12 and he and my mom were looking through it yesterday.  Brad was over at my house and we happened to walk in the dining room where they had it spread out. I had no idea my dad had saved the paper so Brad and I sat down and began looking through it. I asked my dad why he never mentioned having saved the paper. He said it was always hard to look through it and had only done so a couple of times over the past 10 years. Then he told me one of his best friends knew someone who died that day in one of the Towers.

I got to the editorial page and started reading what one columnist had written. I want to re-print the first few paragraphs here because he mentioned something about school children learning about the news at school. Then it brought back all kinds of memories for me. Remember, I was 9 years old and Brad was 8.

The title of the column was, A Different World and was written by Anthony Lewis:

"A man who worked on one of the top floors of the World Trade Center saw that he was trapped. He telephoned his wife that he was trapped. He wanted her to remember that he loved her and loved their children. They are 1 and 3 years old.

"A friend of his told me the story. More even than the television images, it brought home the pain, and the terror.

"Thousands upon thousands of Americans will have a personal connection to a victim. Or we will imagine the feelings of the passengers on those planes, knowing they were flying to death. School children across the country will remember the day their classes were interrupted to give them the news. We will all be marked forever by this day."

There are 2 things that stand out for me today as I try to remember that day.

One is that it was very scary and confusing because teachers had mentioned something about Boston being involved. I thought it was Boston that was being attacked in addition to New York City and Washington, D.C. and somewhere in Pennsylvania.

The teacher was trying to explain what had happened and was doing it in a calm way but you could see it in her face that she was very different from how she usually was. She looked calm on the outside but looked scared on the inside.

She eventually explained that the airplanes had flown out of Boston, but that Boston was okay. I don't think she was totally convinced that Boston was really okay. And that made me and I think everybody else scared. Later in the day she gave us a very simple and clear version of what had happened and assured us that Boston was okay. She seemed to really believe it this time, and I felt safer. 

The second thing that stands out for me now is remembering how important it had been for the adults to remain calm, give lots of reassurance, make everything clear, and answer every question you had honestly but in language you could understand. Thinking about it now I realize how children get their guidance about managing emotions from the adults around them. My parents did a really good job. They sat me and my two brothers down and explained what had happened and kept reassuring us that we were safe. And they answered every question we had in a way we could understand.

Even though I was too young to understand everything that happened in the days and weeks and months later, what I will always remember about that day was how important people in my life (my teacher and my parents) cared about me and took charge in helping me understand what was happening and to reassure me that I was safe and loved.

Our Campus Date and Weekend Plans

Well, I guess you could say it's all official now. We're both college students! Matty is a little more "official" than me since he's fully accepted as a full-time student. I'm still on "provisional admission" status, but, we're both "in" as far as we're both concerned. What a dream come true.

The class I'm taking is an intro to Sociology, and I said a while back that it was probably something I wouldn't have necessarily picked if I had a choice.  The Admissions Office said it's one of the few classes that had openings on the Freshmen level and the prof approved me, so here I am. The first class yesterday was not what I expected it to be. Lots of announcements, going over the schedule, the syllabus and all the reading we're required to do. But, he did give a short mini-lecture on what the course would be about. It actually sounded more interesting than I originally thought. Since it's the only course I'll be taking, I'm actually looking forward to it. At least it'll give me a taste of what a college-level class is all about and how it works. And, I might end up really getting into the subject.

So, Matty said yesterday that since my class didn't start until 4:00 (the same time his next class started), he had a break a little after 2:00. So, as Summer commented in yesterday's post, we had out first official "Campus Date" from 2:30 to a little before 4:00.

We had agreed to meet at a certain location and when we both saw each other, I'm not being dramatic when I say we both popped a HUGE smile on our faces as we were walking toward each other. I swear I wanted to run in his arms and starting kissing him all over. But, we didn't see much of that going on and we're able to restrain ourselves LOL.  

After hugging, we went to one of the campus snack bars, or more like a little cafe.  It was so much fun to sit across from him and just take the whole thing in. Matty kept saying, "Can you believe we're actually here?"

After we had a coffee and a snack, we went for a walk. We didn't want to get lost, so we just walked in the general area we were in. I gotta tell you that campus is like a little city. It's going to take a while to get totally familiar with the place, but it really was like stepping into another world. The rain had stopped for the day so we just walked around and found some benches to sit down. It's like we were in some kind of daze or something. 

Matty was so excited to tell me about his classes and then he went into seeing how I was feeling about going to my class. It felt so good that he had been through "first classes" all this week and knew what he was talking about. It really helped calm my nerves. And it felt so special that he was taking care of me.

Well, when we finished classes we decided to head over to his house for a while. I figured if we went to his house, I'd be able to leave after a while and he'd be there to do any readings he had to do. Plus he has one class this morning, so he needed his beauty sleep. I didn't want to stay the night since I knew there'd be no studying going on. I mean, we have to balance our sexual needs with our responsibilities as scholars, right? LOL. But you can be sure there's going to be some "make up" time this weekend. Don't you doubt that for a minute! We're going to have a lot of making up to do! What's that expression, "All work and no play makes (...something, something ?) a dull boy."

So, he has one class today and then he's going to go check out some of the libraries. This campus city has what looks like one main library and then there's some smaller ones scattered over campus. Then tonight we're definitely going out to eat and I'm picking out a movie to watch afterwards and we're gonna be all snugly. I'm going to spend the night and at least get some kind of start of all that "make up" work we have to do!

So, you may remember the other big thing happening is that we have T-minus three weeks to get ready to move in together! Since I have tons more time than Matty, I'm going to be in charge of organizing all that. I think I've got all the utilities set up, but we have to get some packing done and make arrangements to get help moving all our stuff. Well, what you would call our "worldly possessions" is everything that fits in both our bedrooms! Both our parents have offered to contribute various pieces of furniture until we can decide what we want to get on our own.

One piece of furniture we're going to buy together is the bed! A brand new bed. We're still trying to decide whether to get a king or queen size. The Master Bedroom (mmmmm, I like the sound of that, hehe!) is big enough for a king size, and we're both leaning toward that. Then we're going shopping for the sheets, blankets, pillows, spread, the whole nine yards! One thing I've insisted on is the bedroom (the Master bedroom) will have only furniture we're bought. The rest of the house can just be satisfied with temporary loaned or donated things. But the bedroom?...... It's gonna be exactly what we want, ready and waiting for us! God, this is so much fun!

So, we both want to thank all of you for giving us all your support and encouragement. It's really meant more than you can know. We love you guys so much!

Toto, I've a Feeling We're Not in Kansas {or high school} Any More

First of all, I'm sitting here so glad I put up the post yesterday about my 2 day personal nuclear meltdown. Every single person who put up a comment, and some several times (*insert big smiley face here*), helped extinguish the fall-out contamination and the world is a safer place now! One thing I've learned is, to paraphrase Dorothy, "We're not in high school any more!" 

I sent someone a message (thanks, Kat for listening) when I got home yesterday. Here's what I said (making just a fee edits because it really is something I want to say to everyone):

"I just got home from class and everything was total smoothness this afternoon. I totally freak out sometimes like this morning and it really did help to write out what I was feeling. Then I get home and Brad is waiting for me and he's dying to show me what everybody wrote on our blog today. I swear you don't know how helpful is was to read what everyone wrote! The best part is knowing that nobody judged me as a fuck-up. I like it when people care enough to be direct and honest and genuine. Now, Brad is taking me out to dinner and promised to sleep over tonight. It's such a great feeling to feel loved, cared for and not judged."

My afternoon class went really well. It's was in a huge hall in one of those amphitheatre-type rooms. I was sitting next to this girl and the prof was going over the syllabus and the reading list, trying to make the case that we're going to cover the history of literature and art from ancient Greece to the 19th century! The girl next to me just muttered under her breath, "Good God!" I looked over to her and she turned her head to me and had these huge bug-eyes. I just gave her my own raised eyebrows and whispered, "No way are we gonna cover all that." She just smiled and shook her head in disbelief at what the prof was saying.

When class was over I introduced myself and she did too. She then chuckled and said, "This is nothing like high school." I said, "That's the most accurate thing I've heard all day." We both laughed and I said, kinda without thinking, "Maybe we could sit together for mutual support next week." Then I was thinking to myself what a dumb thing to say. I mean, how dorky. Or even did she think I was making a pass at her or something. She was nice though and smiled and said, "Yeah, this is all pretty overwhelming." So guess what? We made plans to meet at one of the entrance doors next week and go in together and find seats together!

Pretty cool, huh? Already made one friend who feels like I do, which is something I wasn't expecting. Maybe this is not going to be so bad after all. So, after all the support I got in here yesterday and from Brad and then maybe making my first friend in college, I suppose I can't say I'm a fuck-up or anything like that. All I can say for sure is that I was (and still am) nervous about the whole thing. I finally feel like I'm back in my right mind, the one that functions rationally and can actually take the next step(s) to grow up from being some scared little kid to being a capable adult (or at least mini-adult).

I have two classes this afternoon and (wonder of wonders) I'm not freaking out. Yeah, I'm feeling nervous. But I have the campus map and know right where these classes are, so I'm ready to go. I'm almost even afraid to say this out loud 'cause it might jinx it, but I think I'm also feeling a little (just a little) excited today. Can you believe it?

The other little bit of good news is that the one class Brad is taking is also this afternoon. For some reason, just knowing he's going to be on campus at the same time as me feels comforting. My first class gets out at 2:00 and then I have a break until 4:00 when my next class meets. His class starts at 4:00 so we're going to meet at 2:30 and spend time together! How totally cool is that?

He said last night he was also feeling nervous and was asking me all these questions. I got really playful with him telling him stuff like, "Hey, there's nothing to it. Been there, done that. It's a piece of cake. Just stick with me. You'll be fine." He had this totally cute and sweet giggle-sound I had never heard from him before. He just looked at me and said, "God, what am I going to do with you?" I said, "Well, I have some ideas for tonight after we get home." Then he had a different giggle, one that was more sexy. Just the kind of giggle I wanted to hear!

It's still raining and very dreary in Boston today. Normally that kind of thing puts me in a down mood, but that's not what I'm feeling right now. Dreary sky. Rain. And I'm on some kind of high. Or maybe I'm just feeling normal again. Or content. Or happy. But I think the right word I'm looking for is really "hopeful," and all the feelings that go with that word.

Oh, and I told Brad that if it's still raining tonight (which it's suppose to) maybe we could do what we did when we were down in Rhode Island a few weeks back (you can read about it here, in case you missed it). Dancing in the rain. So romantic.

When Will I Ever Learn?

Okay, just so you know, this is Matt. I know the plan was for Brad to take over the blog and other things for a while. At least until I got settled in school. Well, guess what? The way I'm feeling right now, I don't think I'll ever get settled. Anywhere. School. Life. You name it.

Sometimes I think I kid myself into thinking I've got my shit together. Sometimes I think I live in a dream world of some kind where I think I actually might make something out of myself. That's how I'm feeling right now and I HATE IT.

Guess I should explain what happened. It's not the first time something like this has happened and I seriously doubt it will be the last. I almost decided not to write about this because you're probably going to see a different side of me. It's a side of me I HATE.

But, anyway, I'm sitting here at home right now beating myself up and maybe this will calm me down. It doubt it will, but I can't stand just sitting here by myself with nobody to talk to. That's right, poor little Matt feeling all sorry for himself. Poor, pitiful thing. When will he ever learn that he's a total fuck-up? Awww, what a shame, what a shame. Thinks he's all grown up but he's really just a little boy pretending to be grown-up.

So I finally started college yesterday. How the hell did I ever get in anyway? They don't admit little kids but, once again, they must have felt sorry for me and decided to take a risk. Boy were they ever wrong.

So I get to campus yesterday and there's tons and tons of people running all over the place. People who look like they all belong and know what they're doing. Nobody looks freaked out or nervous. People walking calmly across campus. Some in groups. Lots of laughter from some. Everybody looks like it's just another normal day. Something they've been doing their whole life.

The only one who sticks out is me. I swear I'm the only person there who is freaking inside. "Holy shit. What the fuck am I doing here?" I don't know a single person and I'm totally convinced everybody can see all the sweat pouring off my body. People are probably seeing me and thinking, "Look at that weirdo. Doesn't he know the high school is down the street?"

So, I start to panic and actually almost turn around to head back to my car to leave the campus and go back home. Then I heard this voice in my head that was something my high school counselor told me once. "When you feel like you're freaking out, Matt, it's probably just some anxiety. You're not going to die from it. You just need to slow down and go to that place you have when you meditate. You're going to be all right."

So, I'm hearing that in my head and thinking it's all bullshit. But then, maybe it's not bullshit. I was really nervous about the first day so I luckily got to campus early and had some spare time. I looked around and saw a clump of these really huge oak trees away from the main action and my feet started taking me there. It had been raining and there was still a slight drizzle, but it was pretty dry under the trees, but I sat on my backpack to keep my butt dry. Nobody was close around so I felt like I could just become invisible. I sat down, faced away from all the action, closed my eyes, starting doing my deep breathing that always helps and then sorta put myself in a trance. I have this meditation thing I do where I imagine going to a really nice, peaceful, quite and safe place. It was hard to go there because I didn't want to be late for my class. But it worked. Maybe there is a God. After about 20 minutes I felt like I had just had a nap.

So to make a long story short, I got through the day. All those freaky feelings I was having didn't go away completely, but I did manage to get where I was suppose to be and actually absorbed about 50% of what happened in my classes.

So, YAY. A success, right? Mission accomplished. No gran problema. Yeah, I guess so. I got through the day. When everything was done and I left campus for the day, my head was spinning, but I actually felt kinda proud of myself. Damn, I made it through the first day. Maybe I can do this. Couldn't wait to tell Brad all about it. I knew he would understand and say all the right things. And, God, all I wanted was for him to hold me and be there for me.

When he came over, he had the sweetest smile on his face and wrapped his arms around me. For a minute I felt like I was going back in that trance where everything was peaceful. Then my eyes couldn't hold it back anymore and I broke down crying like a baby. Blubbering is more like it. He just held me tight and rubbed my back and did this thing where he rubs my scalp and I get all sleepy. He didn't say a word for a while. I think he knew what had happened when I freaked on campus. I had been telling him how anxious I was for the past week. Then I told him the whole story.

He stayed over for a while, but he and his family already had plans to go to the hospital to visit Brad's godmother who was diagnosed with this serious blood cancer. She means the world to Brad and their family and I wanted him to be there with her. I was actually feeling back to my normal self and just wanted to relax and unwind, talk to my family some, eat some mac and cheese, take a warm shower, get in my pj's, listen to some calming music and then head to bed at a decent hour.

So all that happened and I was starting to feel sleepy. Brad called later to check on me and say good night. Then I get in bed and start re-living everything that happened during the day. I also have this thing I do when that happens where I tell myself, "STOP! You can think about all this in the morning. Just stop thinking!" Well, it worked and I went into a deep sleep. I don't remember waking up even once.

So, here's the thing. I slept so deep I didn't hear my alarm this morning. My mom and dad had gone to work. My little brother had already left for school and here I was with my mind in a total fog trying to figure out where the hell I was. I had already missed my first class for today. So, that's right, in spite of the hell I went through on day one, in the end I made it through with some level of success.

Now it's day two and I've totally fucked up. The first class meeting for this course in American History, and I'm still asleep in my bed dreaming about God knows what. Totally missed it. Then I start going all through the same panic I had yesterday. What a fuck-up I am. What am I suppose to do now? Do I call the instructor and leave a message? Do I send her an email explaining, "Uh, I'm sorry I missed the first class. You can kick me out if you want to. I'll fully understand."

So, I got my balance back a little while ago and shot her an email explaining that I had overslept and apologized and offered to do whatever she wanted me to do to make it up. I'm still waiting to hear back from her.

I've got another class in a few hours and that's it for the day. Ain't no way I'm missing that.

Part of the problem is I should have taken that medication I take for my ADHD yesterday. I'm down to a small dose and it really does help slow my mind down and help me focus and concentrate. I totally know that. I still have this shame thing going on about having to take medication to make my brain work right. I know, I know. I should be over that by now, but I'm not. It's not something I dwell on much any more, so that's good. But I thought I could make it yesterday without it. Big lesson learned. Too much is at stake. I'm back on it today.

Sorry this is so long and I promise not to write so much in the future. I apologize for dumping all this on everybody, but, maybe you should know this about me because it might explain other fuck-ups in the future. I'm learning there are just some things I have to accept about myself. Like I get these "high alert" anxiety attacks when I'm out of my normal routine and start moving into new, bigger and unfamiliar routines. And I have to take my medication. I've found in the past that once I'm settled into new routines, I can cut back or even stop the meds. My doctor said that was okay, so I'm not trying to play my own doctor.

And, I have to take Brad at his word when he tells me he's cool with helping me organize myself until I get my feet firmly on the ground. So, "Boss Bradley," I'm glad you're patient with me. And still love me. I'm sorry I'm such a pain and handful sometimes.

Okay, I've gotta go now. Need to jump in the shower, eat some lunch and head back to school. Oh, and take my meds.

My class this afternoon is one I think I'm gonna like. It's a literature class and the description is, get this, "...proceeds with the study of literature and art from ancient Greece through the nineteenth century." Holy shit! That's a lot of ground to cover and master. Okay, breathe. They're not going to cover all those centuries in a semester. It's probably more of a summary study. I'm going to make it. Don't panic. I can do this. And take my meds!

Odds, Ends and New Beginnings

I just wanted to pop in for a sec and let everybody know we're going to be resuming things here on a more regular basis this week.

There's still a lot going on, especially with Matt starting college this week (YAY!). Then, to add stress on top of stress (good stress, though) we're beginning the whole process of packing things and getting ready to move in together the first of October. Since Matt's going to school full-time, I'm going to be in charge of a lot for a while, like getting all the utilities in our name, arranging for cable, getting our address changed on everything, and on and on and on. It's a lot, but I've got more time than him right now to do all this and I'm really, really looking forward to this new phase of our relationship.

Also, until he gets his feet on the ground in college, I'll probably be posting here more than him, at least for a while. With all his attention problems, I've anointed myself "Boss Bradley." But you can just call me Boss, which is what Matty is doing!

So, the title of this post is Odds, Ends and New Beginnings. The "odd" part of the title refers to some of the "odd" things that have been going on lately. I looked up the word "odd" in Wiktionary and it said "The original meaning is 'left over'." So, I want to write some about what's been happening since we recently took a break from the blog... the "left over" stuff.

The "End" part refers to some of the things that are coming to an end. We're going through huge changes right now and that means some things we're use to are coming to an end. We want to write some about how we're dealing with those endings.

Then "New Beginnings" refers to how we're thinking about our future together and all the new stuff that's happening.

So, the other thing we want to say is a HUGE thank you for all your encouraging and supportive messages while we've been on a break from the blog. We've truly missed you guys and apologize for not responding to all the private messages and emails we've gotten. We hope to be back on track with some normality soon.

Anyway, we're glad to be back. Thanks for bearing with us.