No Relationship is Perfect, Right? part 2

I'm going to start this off with being very direct and blunt. Brad already knows this, so it's no surprise there.

A few times over the past year we've been together, I have come close to ending our relationship. We haven't written about this because it just seemed too personal. But even more than that, I've always told him what and how I was feeling and we've been able to talk our way through it. We always come out on the other end feeling stronger and closer to each other.

We decided to talk about it in the blog now because it feels like we've reached a major turning point and it really feels like some major issues have been resolved. Brad was not kidding when he said that one of the hardest parts of a relationship is realizing what your fears and insecurities are and facing them head on.

This is the first relationship for both of us. Neither of us has been through anything like this before. All the things that come easy, come very easy. It is very easy to love Brad. It is very easy to play and have fun with him. It is very easy to discover and enjoy all the things that go into making him a very, very special human being. It is very easy to enjoy and immerse myself in his beauty. Every time we have sex, it seems like it's the first time for both of us. For me it seems like each time there's always some little thing that happens I've never noticed before. I often get this feeling that every time we have sex, it's going to be different in some way from the last time.

But as Brad said yesterday, the hard things are very, very hard. I'm beginning to realize that in some ways, that's probably true for any relationship. Two people who have their own backgrounds, their own personalities, their own hopes, dreams and needs are surely going to have their share of difficulties. My older brother, who is one of my best friends ever, told me that it is inevitable for there to be problems or conflicts in any relationship where intimacy is involved.

But then there's the whole business of what we (and here I'm talking about me) do when all these killer emotions rear their ugly head. I pride myself on being a very rational person. When my friends come to me with some problem they're having, they all say I have this ability to step back and analyze it, break it down into all it's different parts, point out what's wrong with some of the logic and give really good advice on how to pull it all together to make sense of it all.

Most of the time I do a pretty good job applying all this to myself. I've written before about how my ADHD can sometimes get in the way and my thinking gets all disorganized for a while. But I'm pretty proud of myself for learning ways to slow myself down and get re-focused.

It's not my thinking getting all disorganized that gets me into trouble. I get myself into real trouble when my emotions get disorganized and all out of whack.

So, getting back to why we're writing all about this here. This past Monday, when me and my younger brother ate lunch at the restaurant where Brad worked, I was already pretty worked up before we got there. Over the  past weekend Brad and I had talked some more about his plans to go to college this Fall. He's been accepted at this college in Vermont and it's something we've both known for a while was coming. We've certainly talked about it from all different angles.

First and foremost, I'm so proud of him for taking his education seriously and I totally support him going. I could go on and on about how awesome it is that he's been taking his future seriously and planning for this for years now. Plus, I have to brag on him for being so smart to make incredibly high grades throughout high school. This is a major positive thing for him to do, and if he ever said he had doubts about going, I would of course listen to those doubts, but I would be relentless in trying to convince him to go. He can write more about his future if he wants to, but I know his future is incredibly important to him.

In fact, I could go on and on about all the different things he has going for him. All my friends have fallen in love with him. My entire family has virtually adopted him. My parents see him as their son-in-law. My two brothers see him as their brother-in-law (in fact, my younger brother said he would drop the "in-law" part because he thinks of Brad as his full brother). I think if Brad and I ever broke up, my family would probably disown me and never forgive me. My younger brother said if that ever happened, I could move out and Brad could move in!

Every time we go some place together it's obvious that people are drawn to him. He's got this low-key presence about him and when you combine his natural beauty and his kind personality, it seems like everybody likes him and wants to be around him. When we went to Maine on that vacation after he graduated from high school (paid for my my aunt, who also dearly loves him!), he had such natural charm with the other guests at the B & B, he virtually was the center of attention while we were there. And he wasn't trying to be anything other than himself. I think he was kind of surprised at the attention he got and a little embarrassed by it all. One thing about Brad is that he is not a "put-on." I don't think he would know how to fake being a charmer. What charm he has is very low-key, innocent and genuine.

So, on Monday at the restaurant I was still thinking about him moving to Vermont to go to college. Then seeing how the customers in the restaurant were relating to him got me to thinking not only about how I was going to miss him this Fall, but I was feeling incredibly insecure about what his life will be like when I'm not there to be a part of it with him, like now. And you can guess all the stories my mind was telling me about that table of four college guys who seemed to be fawning all over him -- at least that's what it looked like from where I was sitting.

When we went to my work party this past weekend, nobody had actually met Brad before then, but he really was a hit. Not only with the women there (who really seemed to lay on a lot of attention), but also with some of the guys I work with. They found out he's really into soccer and they were all seemed to be competing for time arguing with him about different world teams, which Brad knows a lot about.

So, when I went to Brad's house Monday night to talk I was scared shitless about what he would say to me about how I acted earlier that day. Walking out of the restaurant without acknowledging him or saying anything was the height of rudeness and immaturity on my part. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Before going to his house I was at home in my room beating myself up for being a fucking asshole. I was so angry and miserable at myself for realizing I had all this jealously in me. Even more than that, I was angry that I didn't seem to know how to deal with it.

Then all that anger moved into this deep, deep incredible sadness. Then it went into the most intense fear I've ever felt. I knew Brad was going to see the core of all this ugliness inside me. I knew he was thinking about how he was going to tell me he didn't think things were going to work out between us, and we should think about ending things. I mean, dealing with all this stuff from me is more than anybody should have to handle. I knew I had crossed the line with the rudeness and immaturity at the restaurant.

So, when I got to his house, he saw I was in bad shape. He didn't actually say anything, but just held the front door open to let me in. We went to his room and closed the door, and all he said was, "So?"

I started off apologizing for how I had acted at the restaurant. I went over everything I had been thinking and feeling -- all the stuff I am writing about here. I was talking for about 30 minutes and he hadn't said a word. When I finished, he took about a minute to think, and just said, "This is all about trust, Matt. We either trust each other or we don't. There's no in between. I think that's all I have to say."

Without going into all the details, cause this post is too long as it is, we stayed up talking about another two hours. I think we worked out a lot of stuff. I told him I wanted us to talk some more after we thought about everything we had been discussing. We're getting together tonight to talk again.

This monster called "jealously" is a fucking son of a bitch. I don't think it gets slayed with one talk. For me it's a lot about my own insecurities and I have to do that work myself. That might take some time. In the meantime, Brad said we have over a year invested in this relationship. He said he loves me. Pure and simple. He wants to take whatever time we need to work this all the way through. I'm totally on board with that.

So, yeah, love at it's best is both easy and hard. Damn easy and damn hard. For me it's worth it. There's a lot at stake when you love someone. Knowing myself -- all of me -- has been really hard. Loving someone as incredible as Brad is making it all worthwhile.

No Relationship is Perfect, Right? part 1

This is one of those posts Matt and I weren't sure we would put up. It's a hard thing to write about something that is very personal and in some ways doesn't show you in your best light.

After talking about it all the way through, we decided we'd go ahead with it. One of the best things about being in love is the intense joy and happiness you get to experience with someone special. One of the hardest things about being in a relationship with somebody you love is when you realize your worst fears and insecurities have come to the surface and it's hard to think and feel clearly about how to handle them.

I'm in the second week of my summer job as a waiter (no, strike that. We're called "Servers" now!). I'm actually enjoying the job a lot better than I thought I would. I'm working the lunch shift and so far really enjoy the other people working there.

One of the other "Servers" came out to me after the first day while we were talking about a movie he saw recently. He just worked it into the conversation that he went with his boyfriend. So, in turn, I said I had been wanting to see the same movie and Matt and I were talking about going. He sorta smiled when I mentioned Matt's name, so I clarified that I was referring to my boyfriend. Without missing a beat, he said maybe he and Jeff and Matt and I could double up sometime and go out. I said cool and told Matt about it later that day, and we talked about going to see X Men: First Class.

Matt had already stopped by for lunch by himself one other time and was seated at one of the tables I work. It was all a lot of fun as we pretended not to know each other and did this role play thing where we started flirting with each other. Since I had only started working there we had to be careful and secretive about it, which actually made the whole role play thing a lot more fun. It's so funny when things like this happen, even after being together for over a year now. I mean, even after a year, I still get a hard-on when we do stuff like this. And then there's the whole thing about how you hide that since you're in this really public setting and I'm walking back and forth as horny as hell! Matt was sitting down and got a tablecloth to cover up his "evidence."

Well, Monday this week, Matt and his younger brother popped in for lunch. Matt didn't have to work and he and his brother were planning on meeting up with some friends later that afternoon. He and his brother got seated at one of the tables I don't work, so he got another server. We were pretty busy that day and I was running all over the place, but I did stop at their table for a sec to say hi.

The restaurant is in this relatively small suburb of Boston -- it's actually in the category of a "town" which I guess means they don't have large enough population to earn the title of "city" or something. It has a kind of "artsy" look to it. There's some art galleries, small high-end clothing stores, some coffee shops and two independent bookstores. Plus, there's this medium-size private college campus about 5 blocks away from the restaurant, so we get a lot of student and faculty customers (or "Guests" as we call them!).

So, while Matt and his brother are there eating lunch, this group of four young guys come in and are seated at one of my tables. I had seen two of them in there before and knew they were students at the college. I would say all four of them were probably about 19, maybe 20 years old. It was pretty obvious that the two who had been there before were at the very least boyfriends or dating or something. I had seen them reach across the table and had their hands on top of each other. And you could tell by the way they had been looking at each other (you know, doing the "eye thing" and smiling) that they were they were definitely enjoying each other's company. 

The other two guys with them this time were obviously close friends of theirs and my gaydar was beeping on high alert! And I have to say they were all incredibly cute and friendly.

Well, since I had already served two of them previously, they were acting like we were all good friends, or something. They introduced me to the two guys they were with this time, and you would have thought we had all known each other from childhood.

It was sorta weird in a way. That's one thing I'm learning about being a server. Once you wait on someone the first time, it's like they think you're best friends from there on out. It's kinda nice in a way, because it makes the work enjoyable, but there's still something a little off-putting about it -- like there's this "fake intimacy" that's parading as close friendship. But, overall it's totally harmless. In a way, it's another example of some kind of role playing going on.

So, when I brought them their lunch, one of the guys shows me this piece of paper they're looking at that's about this dance they're having at school. There's this LGBTQ organization they're all apparently a part of and they're inviting me to go. They said I could go as a guest of theirs if I was interested. So, I lingered at the table probably for a little longer than I should have looking at the announcement. Luckily I was called away by one of my other tables asking me for their check.

Before these four guys left they asked me again if I wanted to go to the party. I just told them I already had other plans that night and thanked them for the invitation. They were totally cool and nice about it and then left. They did, thankfully, leave me a nice tip, which I appreciated!

So, Matt and his brother were finishing up their lunch about this time and were leaving. I tried to get over to them once more to say bye, but Matt was almost already out the door. His brother just looked at me with this sympathetic look and walked over to say bye. I asked him what was wrong with Matt, and he just said he thought he was jealous. Well, I didn't have time to talk more with his brother about it and by this time Matt was already out the door. No goodbye, no wave, no nod. Nothing. Just got up from the table and left. Need I say I was pissed? I mean, WTF is going on?

I still had two hours left before my shift was over, but I felt like I was getting physically sick or something. And I was still pissed. And confused. I wanted to walk out on my shift and find Matt to have it out with him. I mean, this is the first time he's ever done something like this. I felt totally misunderstood, mistreated and frankly disrespected. I have always had a very low tolerance for rudness and this felt over the top. I couldn't believe it.

Then I started feeling scared -- or terrified is more like it. My thoughts started spinning that he was going to break up with me. I knew rationally I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but it was hell to be stuck at work, put on a smile and be courteous to everybody eating lunch there.

After I got off my shift, I headed to my car. I wanted to find Matt to talk about all this, but I didn't know exactly where he was. All I knew was he and his brother were going to be hanging out with some friends. About that time, my phone buzzed and I got a text from him that just said, We need to talk. 8 tonight? I wrote him back and asked where. He said at my house. I said OK.

Great, I'm gonna get dumped. And worse it was gonna happen at my house and then he's leaving. My mind was totally spinning out of control. Matt can be stubborn at times (like I can, too), but for some reason this felt more serious. What am I suppose to do between now and 8:00? All I could think of was to replay in my mind everything that happened at the restaurant earlier. Was he pissed because I had ignored him and his brother? That I could explain. Was he pissed because he thought I was flirting with those guys? That I could explain also. The real fear was, Would he believe me and give me the chance to explain and be rational about the whole thing? Or, was something else bothering him? Or, had he made some kind of decision about us and he just wanted to let me know?

Like I said at the beginning, one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with somebody you love is when you realize your worst fears and insecurities have come to the surface. That's when it's hard to think and feel clearly about how to handle them. It felt like there was a lot at stake with this whole thing. What if we couldn't work out whatever it was that had happened? What if he was ending the relationship? What would I do then? I think it's the scaredest I've ever been in our relationship, and it seemed like 8:00 would never get here. It did though and when Matt arrived, it looked like he had been crying. The other look on his face I can't even describe. He looked totally shut down.

He'll finish what happened tomorrow.

Summer Work Party, a Swimsuit & a Prize

I think everybody knows I work at this construction company that also does home refurbishing. Or, if you're new to the blog, well, that's what I do.

I've been working there since graduating from high school and in addition to making some pretty good money, I've also learned a lot of new skills that really interest me. It's been a lot of fun to learn how to make different things like custom-made kitchen cabinets, tables, chairs, bookcases, etc. We also do stuff like knocking down walls to change the size or appearance of rooms, putting in new windows, doors, etc. I'm not one of those "construction workers" you see doing all kinds of outdoor work with hard hats, hard bodies and showing ass cracks when they bend over!

The guy who is the boss of the home refurbishing unit (which I'm a part of) is a really cool guy. He just turned 62 and is the kind of guy I'd be proud to have as a grandfather or uncle. He's not your typical "macho" cave man construction type, but is actually a really sweet, kind and gentle type of man. Everybody loves him. I mean, he's definitely the boss and you can't walk all over him. When he tells you to do something, you never, ever argue with him. And he definitely will not put up with anybody slacking off. I've seen him angry twice, and he never looses control or is mean, but you definitely know he means business. He's kind of taken me under his wings but he also expects a lot from me.

After I had been working there about a month, I gradually began coming out as gay to everybody. I never made any big announcement but just started working it into the conversation whenever the guys would talk about their girlfriends or wives, or talk about when they did over the weekend. I got a lot of stares at first, and sometimes there was this "loud silence" when I referred to Brad, but nobody ever hassled me or treated me unfairly.

It's pretty obvious that one guy doesn't like me, and I don't think it has anything to do with any problems we've had on the job. He's probably the most conservative guy there and is always spouting these ridiculous political opinions that often aren't based in any kind of rationality. I guess it would be safe to say that most of the guys working in my unit are more on the conservative side, or at least right of center. But I think I've earned the respect of everybody and I get treated as just one of the guys. I get a lot of ribbing because of my age (I'm the youngest one there), but it's all done in a playful way and I actually enjoy the attention because I feel like I fit in pretty well.

Well, every summer our boss has this huge cookout at his home where he invites everybody and you can bring one guest, usually your spouse or your girlfriend. Unfortunately, my unit doesn't have any women workers like the other two home refurbishing units do, so it's always assumed that the guest will be a wife or girlfriend. So, this year, guess what? They added a new category. You could bring your spouse, your girlfriend or your boyfriend!

So, another "first" can be added to mine and Brad's life! And guess what? We had a ball! Only one problem, though. The boss has this really big house with a huge swimming pool in the backyard. So far, so good. I love pools and swimming, but made a decision to buy a new swim suit.

I have a drawer full of Speedos, and that's all I've ever worn when I go swimming. I sorta chickened out though and decided not to push the envelope with this crew. I knew I would be going out of my comfort zone since I would not know half the people coming (spouses and girlfriends). So, I decided to get one of those "regular," "boring," "HUGE," pieces of cloth commonly known as your "traditional swim suit." Shopping for it was very painful (I know it was painful for Brad having to put up with my bad mood looking at all these things I really didn't want to buy).

I felt like I was buying something that was meant to help me "fit in" and was not really something that reflects my style or taste. But, I figured, one step at a time. Maybe next year, if I'm still there.

We did have a good time, though. I was determined not to be in a bad mood wearing this new "thing" called a "swim suit." When I jumped in the pool, I felt like it was going to absorb all the water in the pool and make me drown (okay, so I can be a little drama queen sometimes!). Well, I didn't drown, but I did feel like I was wearing a formal suit, like a coat and tie, long pants and shoes. Totally weird feeling!

AND, I won a prize! The boss always has a drawing for three prizes that add to the excitement of the party and they definitely add to increasing our morale. First prize was a week-long trip to the Virgin Islands. Second prize was an all-expense paid weekend at one of the 4-star hotels in Boston, and third prize was a gift-card for $100.00 and twenty free movie passes.

Well, Brad and I are not going to the Virgin Islands. We're not going to a 4-star hotel. But, we are getting $100.00 and tickets to 10 movies!

I'm gonna see if I can return the "thing" called a "regular swimsuit" and get my money back -- but I think it's in that category of "nonreturnables", like underwear, so I'm probably stuck with it. But, I might use the money to get me a new Speedo and, if I can twist his arm, get one for Brad. Brad says, "We'll see about that."

Anyway, it was a lot of fun to go with Brad. Just one more "first" we can add to our list. A growing list, I might add!

New York Says "I Do"

Wow! The State of New York joins Massachusetts (where Brad & I live).

 

Posted on Advocate.com June 22, 2011

NEW YORK SAYS "I DO"

By Julie Bolcer

In a historic vote with far-reaching implications, the New York State Senate passed the marriage equality bill Friday, making New York the sixth and most populous state in addition to Washington, D.C., to offer civil marriage for same-sex couples.  
 
The 33-29 vote, including four Republicans, came at the end of the legislative session and capped a dramatic week in Albany, where loud protests for and against the bill, many based in religious belief, filled the hallways outside the Senate chamber and the majority conference room at the state capitol. New York became the first state with a Republican-controlled legislative body to pass a marriage equality bill, following passage multiple times in the Democratic-controlled state Assembly since 2007. 

"I cannot legally come up with an argument against same-sex marriage," said Senator Mark Grisanti, who voted yes with his Republican colleagues James Alesi, Roy McDonald and Stephen Saland.
 

Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed the bill into law late Friday night just before midnight. The law will take effect on July 24. New York has no initiative process and only limited referendum practices that would make repeal of the law almost impossible.

Home to almost 20 million people and the nation’s largest city, New York will double the number of Americans living in a state with marriage equality and bring international attention to the latest chapter in the gay rights movement. The development appears destined to become a national turning point, with litigation pending in the federal court system and legislation under consideration in other states while public opinion trends toward majority support for marriage equality, according to recent polls.

"I think this vote today will send a message across the country," said Cuomo at a press conference at the capitol. "This is the direction to go, and the time to do it is now, and it is achievable.”

In the immediate future, the vote in New York would seem to demand a response from President Barack Obama, who continues to evolve on his marriage equality position. In an address to gay Democratic donors at a major Pride Month fund-raiser in Manhattan Thursday, he said he supported equal rights for couples but stopped short of supporting gay marriage.

Asked how the vote in New York would affect the president's stance, Cuomo said, "I think you are going to see an evolution toward this position on all levels. I don’t want to speak for any one person."

The Senate vote in New York caps an intensely coordinated, bipartisan campaign under the direction of Gov. Cuomo that raised an estimated $2 million, more than half of it from Republican-affiliated donors. The governor worked with New Yorkers United for Marriage, a bipartisan coalition of five LGBT organizations: Human Rights Campaign, Empire State Pride Agenda, Log Cabin Republicans, Marriage Equality New York, and Freedom To Marry.

Such coordination, let alone victory, seemed nearly unimaginable less than two years ago, when in December 2009 the marriage equality bill failed in the then Democratic-controlled Senate by a vote of 24 to 38, with no Republicans in support. Republicans have since regained control of the Senate. But gay donors have helped unseat three senators (two Democrats and one Republican) who voted against the bill, replacing them with yes votes to bring the measure within six votes of passing of passing at the start of this year.

The marriage equality push found a champion in Cuomo, a popular Democratic governor and former attorney general who took office in January. Under the supervision of his office, the New Yorkers United for Marriage coalition formed this spring, pulling together resources in a way never before seen on the state level to execute a unified communications, field and lobbying campaign targeting voters and undecided state senators.

Following months of quiet preparation, the campaign launched publicly in April and quickly coalesced its message around a poll that showed 58% of New Yorkers, a historic majority, supported the legalization of same-sex marriage. Business, labor and religious leaders spoke in support, while a range of  celebrities, sport figures, everyday New Yorkers, and elected officials, including former president Bill Clinton, endorsed the effort. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg delivered a public speech on the topic, in addition to lobbying and fund-raising.

Powerful forces of opposition also converged in New York. The Catholic Church and the National Organization for Marriage lobbied against the marriage equality bill, and the influential Conservative Party of New York State vowed to withhold its endorsement from any Republican lawmaker who supported the proposal. In the end, their efforts failed, although concerns within the Republican Senate conference resulted in a week-long negotiation over religious protections that at times seemed to threaten the bill’s prospects. Senator Saland and two Republican colleagues who voted against the bill negotiated the religious exemptions with the Cuomo administration.

Long in development, momentum for marriage equality seemed to take hold in the second-to-last week of the legislative session, when three undecided Democratic state senators who voted no in 2009 announced they would support the bill, bringing every member of their conference on board except the avowedly antigay Ruben Diaz, Sr. Soon after, Alesi, the first Republican state senator to support the bill, joined them, followed by McDonald.

The total number of senators in support of the bill stood at 31, just one vote shy of passage until the last moment, when the Republican conference under the leadership of Sen. Dean Skelos announced it would bring the measure to the floor for a vote.

Two more Republican votes, from Saland and Grisanti, remained unrevealed until the floor debate, adding to the suspense as Pride weekend began in New York City.

Drenched & Drowning in Sex!

Ok, so I've been feeling like the lyrics in that Robert Palmer song, Addicted to Love. Only I think it's more like, Addicted to Sex!

Don't get me wrong, there's absolutely no doubt whatever that "Love" comes before "Sex." There's no way in the world I would give up my love for Brad if we were never able to have sex again for some reason. No Way!

But, I think I've got sex on my mind 23 hours a day! I guess that's normal but I've never seen any surveys on this, so what do I know?

I had a hard time (pun intended) concentrating on my work yesterday. I literally bashed my thumb with a hammer while I was trying to put some cabinets up in this house we're refurbishing. And where was my mind? That's right, reliving some of the best sex Brad and I had last night.

Some of my work has become so routine I could probably do it in my sleep. This board goes here, this nail goes here, bam, bam, bam.

Only yesterday it was, this board goes here, this nail goes here, bam, bam, "God Dammit!" I dropped the hammer, grabbed my thumb, started swinging around like I was going all mental. Then a slew of obscenities starts flying all over the place like I was loosing my mind.

My boss took me to this medical clinic down the street to get it checked out. Thank God I didn't break the bone or the knuckle, but now I've got this huge bandage with a metal splint thing to keep my thumb straight (and that's about the only thing "straight" about me now!).

I can't type much more because of this and also because I'm on these super strong pain killers and I don't trust myself to write something I'll regret later. But those pills help with the pain but they also make my mind think all kinds of sex thoughts. Good God!

I'm not good with this hunt and peck typing, so I'm gonna take a nap now. With my luck I'll have all kinds of sex dreams and wake up with a wet dream. Geez! Nighty, night!

The Uncut Version of Self-Esteem

A few days ago, my friend and fellow Blogger, Thorny, wrote something about the issue of circumcision. I left a comment there saying that I had thought about posting something about this at some point, but I thought Thorny had basically said pretty much what I would probably have said. Well, as usually happens when I read something like this my mind gets ahold of it and starts spinning it around and I realize I had more feelings about it than I originally thought. It's brought back a lot of memories and I started talking to Matt about it and he thought maybe I should share some of those things here.

As an eighteen year old guy, I don't think it would be an understatement to say that going through puberty is a difficult experience for just about any boy. I mean your body is going through all kinds of changes, some of which you're excited about, like knowing you're leaving behind the whole experience of being a "little kid" and starting to become a teenager and then a man.

Then there's all those changes that are, at the least, well, embarrassing. Like getting use to your voice changing and the gradual appearance of a little hair in your arm pits and around your genitals.

For me, those changes were a small challenge to deal with compared to that first time I went in the locker room at school to change clothes. What I'm talking about here is getting naked with all your classmates as you change into your gym clothes or afterwards hop in the shower to wash away all the sweat. Until then I hadn't given a whole lot of thought to the fact that I'm uncircumcised.

One guy in middle school actually yelled something like, "Damn, what's wrong with your dick, man?" At which point EVERYBODY strains to look over at me and then they start making gagging sounds and laughing at me! I was totally humiliated and started finding ways to undress so I wouldn't be noticed. Talk about intense self-consciousness when everybody starts seeing that you're different down there.

I think it's probably pretty common for guys to be hyper-focused on their body during this time of life. All that stuff about developing muscles and having a body that looks like you're not just a "little kid" anymore. But I honestly believe being ridiculed by other guys for being uncircumcised was the first time I really started feeling there was something seriously wrong with my body. And then that developed into thinking something was seriously wrong with me. Not just my body, but me. It was like I began thinking I had this really bad secret I needed to hide and be ashamed of.

I'm very fortunate to have someone like Matt who loves the way my cock looks. He's circumcised but the first time he saw my dick, man, I thought his eyes were gonna bulge out. He got this HUGE grin on his face and just kept telling me how beautiful it was. He hadn't seen one up close like that before so "Little Brad" got a lot of attention that night. It still amazes me that "Little Brad" continues to fascinate Matt, but, hey, neither of us is complaining!

I wish there had been some way I could have avoided all that humiliation and self-consciousness beginning at puberty. I feel that now, at eighteen, I'm finally starting to not only like the way my body looks, but more importantly, starting to like me. And now I don't feel like I have this big, bad secret anymore. My cock and I are actually just perfect the way we are!

Tribute to My Dad

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to anyone who is a father or has a father (or remembers a father)!

Matty wanted me to put up something today about my dad since my dad and I have been through a lot this year. He said he wanted to put something up later in the week about his dad. 

I wrote some things to my dad in a letter and thought I'd share a little of it here. Matt got tears when he read the entire letter I wrote my dad. A lot of the entire letter is very personal, but I selected this little bit to share: 

Dad,

So, it goes without saying that we've not always had the best relationship with each other.

Not meaning any disrespect, but, you've not been a perfect Dad. I can accept that. I don't think there's ever been one in the history of the world. Plus I don't think I could stand you -- or anyone -- being perfect!

I don't want to list all the ways you've failed me or all the ways I've failed you. We've done enough talking over the past year in the family counseling we've been doing. I think what's important now is that we focus on what we have now and what we're trying to have with each other.

I want to say how proud I am of all the hard work you've put into dealing with the alcohol business. So, you have ONE YEAR and 4 DAYS of sobriety! I'm glad you did this for our family 'cause I don't think we would have survived if you hadn't. But even more than that, I'm proud of you doing this for yourself. I mean, it all comes down to that, doesn't it? Doing it for yourself. Then Mom gets to have a husband who's really there; and the two of us kids get to have a Dad who's really there.

I have two Best Memories of you over this past year:

1. Remember when you took me to that soccer game back in April or May and then you took me out for ice cream afterwards? You have absolutely no idea how special I felt being with you. Just me and you. And, without me bringing it up, you brought up my being gay. And you told me you had no problem with it, even, you said, "the girly-boy" part! You were so sweet that night and I know I'll never forget it. And I could tell it was hard for you to talk about your feelings. But just that short comment made you a giant in my eyes. I'd been wanting you to accept me for so long. We've still got work to do, but I absolutely know we can do it now.

2. Remember when you met Matt for the first time? Yeah, I was totally scared that it might be hard for you 'cause it would be a step toward really seeing me as gay. I knew you wouldn't be rude or anything, but I was hoping you would really like him. I mean, at that time, you and I hadn't done a lot of work on our relationship and you were still early on in being sober. When I introduced him to you, you shook his hand and told him you were glad to meet him. I could tell there was some reservation going on with you, but I appreciated how decent you were. Now, it seems like you and him are like best friends! You're always asking me how he's doing and when he's coming over. It's funny, but sometimes it's kinda annoying. Maybe 'cause I wish me and you had been like that all along. It really and truly means the world to me that you said we make a "cute" couple (you saying this! imagine that!!) and then just recently you said you were proud of the two of us and thought what we had was very rare and special. I'm beginning to believe that what I have with you now is a very rare and special thing!

So, Happy Father's Day. I love you.

The Server Getting Serviced!

No, before you get the wrong impression, this may not be a post about oral sex! My, my.... where is your mind?

But, you gotta admit it's a catchy title, huh? Got you to reading, huh? Well, cute and clever me is at it again!

So, seriously, it's going to be all about how wonderful and loving Matty and his family are. I wrote a few days ago that I had gotten my first real, adult, honest-to-God serious job as a waiter. The actual title they're using now is "Server," thus the title of this post.

So, the "Server" in the title above is none other than cute and adorable me! And who, you might ask, is servicing the Server? Well, that would be Matty and his whole family! That's right. I (The Server) got Serviced by his entire family! They were my Servers (thus, making them the Servicers)! Uhhhhh, before this gets any more confusing or disturbing in an incestuous way, let me clearly explain.

They were so excited for me that I got this job that they all (his Mom, Dad, two brothers and his older brother's girlfriend) invited me over and had this lovely dinner celebration for me! And guess who the only dinner guest was? That's right, ME!

And guess who my Servers were? You're right, all of them were!

They had a really, really nice table cloth, one of his Mom's fancy and formal plates, a full service of her formal forks, knives and spoons and a crystal glass, all for little ol' me! Can you believe it? I was the only dinner guest!

So, Matty brings me in the dining room and seats me. He's all dressed up in this formal wear (coat and tie, no less) and then his Mom pops out of the kitchen all dressed up in formal dress wear and serves me this really nice summer salad (with fruit, no less... how appropriate!).

When I finish, she clears the salad bowl and then his Dad emerges in formal wear to serve me the appetizer (Shrimp Cocktail -- notice the word "cock" subtly slipped in there!)

After that, his Dad clears things away and his younger brother glides in wearing the closest he's ever gonna get to formal wear (jeans, sneakers and a white shirt ... he really is totally adorable with all the blushing going on over his face!). He serves the first course on a tray with this silver cover. He very dramatically takes the cover off and serves me this scrumptious Rack of Lamb with Tomato Bordelaise with some veggies! He was so hilarious trying to impress me with having memorized that! He stumbled all over the whole thing and had to start again about three times, and still got the "Bordelaise" part wrong. He started laughing and just said, "It's lamb with a fancy sauce!"

When I finished that his older brother and his girlfriend (again both in formal attire) cleared the table and brought in the second course, which was some kind of pineapple and melon salad bowl with what looked like some parsley sprinklings, or something.

Then, guess who was next? Matty came in looking as masculine and dapper as ever. He cleared the table and took up the used plate and utensils and replaced it with a nice dessert plate and fork! So, before Matty serves the dessert, the whole family comes back in the dinning room facing me.

His Dad, who is this total prankster, actually said something like, "Well, Brad. Matt has this special and personal dessert he wants to serve you, but we've all been instructed to leave the premises. He said the dessert can't be witnessed being served. So, if you'll excuse us, we'll retire to another room and leave the two of you alone." His little brother was totally blushing and shuffling his feet.

So, they left the room and I'm getting all revved up. Matty then comes in and serves me this amazing chocolate cheesecake. While I'm eating it, he pulls up a chair next to me and we kiss. Then, I kid you not, he pushes his chair back and gets under the table and starts unzipping my pants. I stop eating and start moaning. Matty says to keep eating, which I try to do. I mean, I don't want to waste good chocolate, right? Well, all I gotta say is there's (almost) nothing like eating chocolate cheesecake and getting a blow job at the same time!

So, the above title is not really misleading after all. The Server did get Serviced. Or to be more accurate, the Server got Serviced by the Server! What a meal! And what an incredible family. And Server Matty got 5 stars and a HUGE tip later that night!

Hot Guys and Our First Party

Well, another "first" for us as a couple.

I have a buddy who is in college and he and his boyfriend invited Brad and I to an After Gay Pride Party. This past Saturday was Gay Pride Day in Boston. We both wanted to go to see what it was all about, and it would have been another "first" for us. Neither of us has ever been to a Pride Day celebration but I had to work and Brad didn't want to go by himself.

So, my buddy invited us to this party he was going to that evening. We've not yet been to a gay bar or anything where there are just gay guys or even to a party where everybody is gay. I have to admit that my mind started spinning all out of control, like it does sometimes.

It's weird, but I hope it's not some kind of homophobia I've got going somewhere inside me that I didn't know about. But, I started imagining the party being this great big orgy thing or guys starting to hit all over Brad or something.

It was almost like I imagined it being this big free-for-all with these sex-craved guys going all psychotic. Do I really think this is what being gay is all about? Is this what I thought gay guys do when they get together for a party or dinner? Like, do they just leave all their morals at home and it's all about sex, sex, sex?

I talked to Brad about whether we should go or not. He just looked at me like he didn't know what I was saying. But, like he always does, he listens really well. He didn't make me feel like I was bad or wrong or mental. After I told him what I was thinking and feeling, he just said six words that started bringing me back to sanity: "Matt, I think it's just a party."

Why did this whole thing shake me up like this? I started thinking about what we were going to wear. Brad just said, "Well, Troy said it was just low-key casual. He said everybody was going to be back from all the Pride stuff downtown, so why don't we just wear jeans and a shirt?" Just like that. That simple!

So, to make a long story short (which is a real challenge for me!), we went to the party. Just jeans and a shirt. Just me and Brad. No big deal. So, what did it turn out to be?

There were about 20 people there altogether. The couple hosting it have this really cool house in this really cool neighborhood. Tricycles in some of the yards. Family mini-vans in some of the driveways. Reminded me of the neighborhood where I live. What had I been thinking? Did I think it was going to be in this "red-light" sleazy district with street-walkers or something? What is wrong with my mind? What is wrong with me?

We get inside, and instead of slings all over the place or some kind of sex dungeon and used condoms thrown all over the floor (!), it's a really nice, normal, middle-class house. No loud booming bass music blaring all over the place.

There's this buffet table set up in the dining room... Guys chatting each other up, laughing, joking around... Five or six guys seemed like they were in their forties, one couple said they had been married for 30 years, the rest looked like they were in their twenties and thirties. Everybody was wearing slacks, jeans or t-shirts. Everybody just having normal conversations, sitting around enjoying each other's company.

No sooner had we arrived and people were coming over to introduce themselves and meet us. Just a typical party. They seemed glad we had come and everybody made an effort to include us in everything. Nobody was stuck-up or arrogant or trying to "outshine" anybody else. And, (to my utter shame for even thinking it), nobody seemed the least bit focused on hitting on anybody else. Everybody was just enjoying being together for this After Pride party. Just a typical party.

It ended up being so much fun! My buddy and his boyfriend, and Brad and I were the youngest ones there. For some reason, everybody seemed interested in talking to us. And it was just normal questions and answers: How did we meet? How long have we been together? What kind of work did we do? And total acknowledgement and respect for our relationship.

So, we ended up having a blast! I'm so glad we went. But I have to keep going back to my original reaction to being invited to an "all gay" party. Brad thinks it was just my nervousness about doing something we'd never done before and not having anything to compare it to. That's probably it. All my insecurities were coming out.

But, to be as honest as I can be here, I really think it had something to do with being influenced by what society has been pounding in my head for years. That all gay guys do is have sex with each other all the time. That gay guys aren't capable of having just normal dinner parties. That gay guys are less mature than everybody else and are not capable of having normal (and sometimes boring) lives like everybody else. That insight into some of my internalized homophobia gives me something to work with now. Sure, I'm ashamed of it. But I think it's mature to recognize it and challenge it and come out being a better person for it.

So, will we go to another so-called "all gay party?" We're waiting for the next invitation. Several of the guys at this party asked for our phone number and told us they were having friends over to their place at different times during the summer.

So, all we gotta do now is make sure we have clean jeans and shirts, ready to go! Brad said he has to include his pumps and pearls also! Always the jokester! Or is he serious? You know what? It doesn't matter. It's all good!

Got a Summer Job!

YAY! I landed a summer job! Since graduating from high school, I've been applying for just about anything I could find for summer work. So, I'm gonna be a waiter! My sister knows the son of one of the owners of this upscale restaurant not too far from where I live. She put in a good word for me but there were like 10 other people applying for jobs there. So, it was definitely not a shoo-in. Plus, I have zero, zip experience in doing anything like this. I've worked in a grocery story as a bagger and stock boy and done other various types of work that didn't involve much skill.

The owner who hired me said he thought my personality (huh?) would fit right in with the atmosphere they try to create. He didn't explain any further what he actually meant, so I have no clue what part of my so-called "personality" I'm suppose to be strutting! And I was so nervous in the interview that I forgot to ask. All he said is that they expect the waiters to be, I think he said, "friendly and personable." Hmmmmm, guess my nervousness didn't come across too much if he thought I fit that expectation!

He wants me to work the lunch service for starters and would "see where we go from there." Huh, again?? I know they probably make all their big money on the dinner menu, so maybe he meant that? Then there's the problem of me not being able to serve alcohol drinks due to my age. You have to be 21 in this State, so I got a ways to go from there. I know they serve drinks in the lunch menu but I guess they'll have somebody else bring those over.

So, I'm going to be wearing one of those semi-fancy waiter costumes. Black shoes, black pants, white shirt and this little bow-tie thing! I'm hoping we can wear one of those clip-on things cause I can't even tie the knot on a regular tie! I think the evening servers wear a vest as part of their drag.

He said I would be shadowing one of the other servers for the first week and that's my probation period. After that I'm on my own!

So, I gotta do some research I guess. Maybe read one of those how-to books: 

Wish me luck! Oh, and, "May I take your order?" {said with a "friendly and personable" smile}

Can't Resist Those Speedo Boys!

Summer Book Award: Favorite M/M Romance

With summer fast approaching, we both decided to reread one of our all time favorite books. And, the decision to select this book was unanimous! So, without further ado, we're announcing to the world that our selection for Favorite M/M Romance Book for 2011 is:

My Summer of Wes

by Missy Welch

In the interest of full disclosure, I (Matt) have had some chatting with Missy on the website Goodreads.com. Plus, we've exchanged some e-mails back and forth. I told her we wanted to review this book and would let her know when it went up. She wrote back and encouraged us to give an honest review, both good and bad. No if, ands, or buts.

We were over at Missy's home page (Missy Welch) recently and were reminded all over again how pleasurable and important this book was, and is, to us. That's right, "important." When I (Matt) decided to buy the book, I had no idea at the time it would become an important book. I was just barely old enough to legally read it when it was published. I turned eighteen in May 2010 and her book was published 3 months later. Whew! Just in the nick of time!

I had just met Brad and we were early in our relationship and hadn't had sex at that point. What had happened, however, was that we were falling in love -- or had fallen in love (I mean, how do you measure these things?).

This was the first erotic story I had ever read, and, to be honest, I was just looking for some well-written sex. I thought I was going to be reading some sizzling hot porn story and nothing else. I sorta ignored the "blurb" which talked about the storyline. I mean, the cover of the book told me everything I was looking for was in this book.

Well, let me say I like porn as well as anybody, but I had only seen the stuff you get on the internet. Oh, and a buddy of mine had discovered his older brother's stash of DVD porn and I had watched that. These two sources of porn had satisfied me well enough for all the obvious reasons, but internet porn and my buddy's brother's vids didn't have an interesting storyline. Plus, the vids my buddy had were all hetero.

So, in the interest of self-education (!), I felt I owed it to myself to see the story leading to the sex. My parents always emphasized the importance of education, so, why not educate myself on how other guys go about the sex thing? And the guys in the book were about my age (one is 18 and the other is 24). Prior to meeting Brad, I had only kissed a few guys (none more than once) and touched a few body parts (thoroughly covered with clothes!).

After reading the relatively short first chapter, I realized I had been crying. Very unlike me -- both to cry as I'm reading, and not even realizing I had some tears going down my face. What the hell was going on? I mean, I didn't totally identify with either of the two characters at this point. Mal, the eighteen-year-old, didn't even realize he was gay (at least he wasn't realizing it yet), and he had been horribly bullied in high school. I came out when I was 16 and was beaten up once by a gang of assholes, but nothing like what Mal had endured.

And, I never knew anybody like the other character, Wes. He came out when he was a teen and had always been totally confident and self-assured and comfortable. He didn't go around shouting in everybody's face he was gay, but just lived his life without hiding anything. He always stood his ground if anybody had an issue with it, and had this "presence" about him that told others that if they wanted to mess with him, bring it on.

I loved how the story unfolded. I mean, it was probably 5 or 6 chapters into the story before there's any sex. Wes, the older one, was totally amazing in how he never, ever pressured Mal into anything. Mal insisted he was not gay, and even though you get the feeling Wes knows he is, he totally, I mean totally, respects Mal and never once pushes the issue. Things just unfold at a very natural pace.

I think what affected me emotionally about Wes was how much integrity he had. He's the kind of guy you want around if you're unsure about your sexual orientation. Nothing is forced -- there's no condensation -- there's total respect for where you are. I'd also say he's the kind of guy you want around whether you're gay or straight or bi or whatever. A totally awesome friend!

Both Brad and I had this powerful emotional reaction toward Mal. He talks about the extent of the bullying (really violence is more like it) he endured while in high school. When we we talking about our feelings toward Mal, we both said how angry we felt at all the guys abusing him throughout school. I wanted to jump into the book and start hunting down all the assholes who hurt him.

The other emotional reaction we had toward Mal was watching how he very slowly at first came to trust Wes. I mean, this was the first friend the guy had ever had in his whole life! You just want to jump in and be his second and third friend. You wanted to surround him with all the love you have and be there for him every step of the way.

So, who was the hero of the story? Well, they both were. Mal deserves so much credit for risking everything to find himself -- his true self -- and to find love for the first time in his life. Wes deserves so much credit for his total integrity and for very slowly showing and giving Mal love, with a capital L.

The other thing that was so powerful about this book is the erotica. When we both first read this book, it was the first story we had ever read with very explicit sex scenes. I have to say here for the record that I wouldn't let Brad read the book after I finished. He was still seventeen at the time and there's this scary and stern warning on the title page that all sorts of bad things might happen if you show it to somebody under eighteen! I gave him his own copy on his eighteenth birthday. I certainly didn't want to contribute to corrupting the morals of a minor!! {ouch! another "love shove" from Brad!}

In terms of the erotica, at first Wes takes the lead and everything is initiated by him, with total respect for how Mal might be reacting. As Mal gradually discovers his true self, he starts initiating things. When you read the scenes where Mal starts initiating the affection and sex, I started having tears running down my face while at the same time having this incredibly intense personal sexual reaction. I gotta say, we both got a good education on all the different ways and scenes that are possible sexually when you truly love someone.

So, is this book "porn"? Not by our definition. It seems to us that porn needs very little storyline. And porn is all about the sex. You never get any clues about who these people are, what their story is, nothing. It's all about the sex, and the storyline is irrelevant. The purpose of porn is just to get turned on watching other people have sex and then to get off. Hey, nothing basically wrong or bad about that. I mean, we both have our little stash of porn vids now and they serve their purpose.

We started this review by saying that My Summer of Wes was an important book for both of us. It tells the story of how Mal comes to know his true self and to trust another person after years of horrible abuse. It tells the story of how Wes lives that life once you know your true self and how to truly and fully love another person.

After reading this book, I did a lot of hard thinking. I did some writing in this journal thing I keep about my life and somehow came up with two "guiding principles" for my life, both coming out of a reading of this book: (1), Always be true to yourself (which involves discovering your true self), and (2), Always be honest with others. The first principle came from Mal as he seems on this search to discover who he really is. Wes has already discovered himself. The second principle is initially from Wes. Throughout the book, Wes truly lives both principles. After Mal discovers his true self, he then begins moving into the second principle.

So, for us, this is a book about several things. How to discover your true self. How to trust another person and take all the risk involved in that. How to integrate love and sex into this totally beautiful gift. Most importantly to us, however, it's about hope. And isn't that ultimately what life is all about?

(If you'd like to comment on Missy's book or this review, please feel free. Also feel free to share your own favorite M/M Romance book.)

Summer Book Award: Favorite General Fiction

When I first read this book, I had already read the author's Rainbow High series about these high school guys (two are gay and one is bi) who are going through school dealing with all kinds of issues: one who is openly gay, one who is trying to figure out whether he's gay and one is trying to figure out whether he's gay or bi. I liked the series a lot because in many ways I could identify with some of their struggles, both internal and with other classmates. The Rainbow books seemed to be written specifically for a high school audience or people who enjoyed reading books for this age-group. They are fun to read and you can just breeze right through them.

However, the book I decided to select as my Favorite General Fiction for 2011 is by the same author:

Bait

by Alex Shanchez

This book is written in a very different tone than the Rainbow series. It's much more serious in tone and you almost get the feeling it's a different author from the high school books.

It's really hard to talk about this book without giving away the whole story. I'll try though.

The lead character is this 16 year old kid named Diego who is always managing to get into some serious trouble at school. Diego (who is straight) thinks one of his gay classmates looked at him "funny" one day and Diego gets into this really bad fight with him. Diego has a history of trouble already following him and this incident is the last straw. Charges are filed against him and he ends up on probation. 

Even though Diego is clearly in the wrong here, you start getting this feeling there's more to his story that might explain why he has this anger problem. He absolutely won't open up to anybody about what's really going on.

Well, he gets assigned to this really cool Probation Officer named Vidas, and Diego slowly starts trusting him... I mean, very slowly trusting him. Diego eventually asks his PO if he can meet with him once a week to "just talk," which is very different from any probationer Vidas has ever had.

Vidas is very patient and understanding and eventually Diego starts talking about this recurring dream he's been having about a shark in the ocean and Diego being the "bait." This dream holds the key to everything going on with him.

One day in the mall, Diego happens to run into his PO with his partner (yes, his PO is gay) and their child. Man, you hold your breath worrying about whether this is going to be a deal breaker for the progress they've been making. I won't say anything more and I hope I haven't given away too much.

You really don't know till close to the end whether Diego is going to make it or not. All I can say is this is a VERY powerful and emotionally draining book, and I mean the "draining" part in a good way. I mean, you feel like you've been on this almost dangerous journey with Diego and you start getting inside his head like you're going through this with him.

All I can say in summary is, if you want to read about an extremely brave and courageous kid and a Probation Officer who renews your faith in the goodness of the human spirit, grab this book! It's fast-moving and an easy read, though the subject matter is very heavy.

Feel free to comment on your favorite general fiction book. And be sure to stay stuned tomorrow as we both agreed on our Favorite M/M Romance Book!

Summer Book Award: Favorite General Fiction

Brad and I picked different books for our Favorite General Fiction. Brad will have his review up tomorrow.

My selection for Favorite General Fiction for 2011 is:

What They Always Tell Us

by Martin Wilson

In the interest of being totally upfront, the author and I exchanged a few emails months ago after I first read his book. If the tone of his emails accurately reflect the author's personality, he seems like a really nice and decent human being. He also had no idea I was going to be reviewing his book, so he didn't in any way try to influence what I might say.

I've been reading a lot of fast-paced novels that are more adventure-oriented, so this was a totally refreshing change of pace. This is a very character-based story and, because of that, moves at a slower, and I might add, more graceful pace than a lot of books out there right now.

Without giving away the storyline, the story goes back and forth between two teenage brothers over the course of a year and the change that comes over them during that time.


Being gay myself, I found myself wanting more of Alex's chapters (he's the brother who is coming to terms with being gay) and less of James' which I know is very selfish. I think this is because I identified with him more. The romance in his part (with Nathan, another student in his school) was written in a way that you could use your total imagination to fill in what the author only hinted at. It was so very sweet watching Alex fall in love with this hot guy in school, and watching how they gradually and subtly fell in love.


The author spends a lot of time making his characters fully three-dimensional and he did a great job of conveying a lot of emotions subtly. Like I said before, it's a slow-paced quiet book and it's one that I found myself dying to get back to in between intervals of reading.


Two characters that are a constant in the story are a young boy named Henry and his mysterious mother who live across the street. There's a whole sub-plot mystery going on with them which was fun to read. The young boy was a great inclusion into the book because he befriended both of the brothers and helped them change over the year. I don't know, I just really liked his character -- very smart and perceptive.


Overall, a wonderful coming-of-age story as well as a story about identity and the struggle at that age to find your place in your family and the world at large. Rumor has it that Wilson has a second book coming out this year or next. I'll definitely snap it up quickly.

We'd now like to hear from you about your favorite general fiction book. It doesn't have to have a gay-theme necessarily, but it would be nice if it did. Maybe you could even write a short summary of why you picked it as your favorite general fiction book.

Summer Book Award: Favorite NON-FICTION

We mentioned a week ago that we wanted to highlight some of the books we've read over the past year. Since we're not professional book reviewers, we wanted to put our own twist on what would qualify as a Favorite book. We thought we would select books in three categories (Non Fiction, General Fiction and M/M Erotic Fiction) and then talked about how we related to the book, what it meant to us personally and how we have possibly changed as a result of our reading.

We both voted to name this book as our FAVORITE NON FICTION BOOK FOR 2011:

BOYS LIKE US: Gay Writers Tell Their Coming out Stories

(ed., Patrick Merla), Avon Books: NY: 1996

We liked what the editor, Patrick Merla, said in his Introduction to these stories:

"Coming out" is the central event of a gay man's life. It is at once an act of self-acknowledgment, self-acceptance, self-affirmation, and self-revelation intimately linked to how he views himself and how he interacts with the world... So much is at stake that the way in which a man comes out can reverberate throughout his entire life, whether the response to his disclosure is positive, negative, or neutral."

This is an incredible collection of coming out stories written by 29 well-known gay authors. Neither of us knew all the names, and only Matt has read one of the authors (Michael Nava, who is a Mexican-American mystery writer featuring a gay Chicano lawyer named Henry Rios).

Some author names we've heard of are Edmund White, Allan Gurganus, Andrew Holleran, Christopher Bram, Scott Heim and  Stephen McCauley.

Some of the authors remember their first sexual experience (or experimentation) when they were young pre-teens with other boys at summer camp. Some are when the men are in their later teens, their twenties or their thirties.

Some wrote about coming out to their parents, siblings or co-workers. Some are humorous, some are serious and a few are heartbreaking. Many of the stories are highly erotic (and explicit) as they remember their first sexual encounter with a college roommate or a buddy during a weekend sleepover.

The time range for the stories is from the early 1940s to the mid-1990s. It was interesting to us to read what life was like for gay men back in the 1940s. About how difficult it was to really know what all your sexual feelings meant. What struck us was how dangerous it could be if anyone found out you not only wanted to have sex with a man, but wanted to even create a life together, if that was even possible. In spite of how alone these men felt, we both admired their determination to understand their desire and need to find other men like them.

One of the men in 1961 was required by his university to see a psychiatrist as a condition to continue as a student. Other men recall worrying about police entrapment if they went to a bar "frequented" (!) by gay men.

One writer talks about a friend who couldn't "conceive of coming out to himself because he had never been in the closet."

One writer concluded that "Being gay was not the problem. Everything else was the problem -- the pressure, the opprobrium, the future, the double life."

It was so exhilarating to read these words as one man finally understood what his desire and need was about: "I put my hands all over him, took in a sudden rush of air, and became the man I was meant to be."

Many of the stories written in the 1980s and 1990s had a different feel to them. In many ways times had changed, or were changing. The contrast between coming out in the 1940s with the present time are so striking. In many ways this is a history of a whole culture neither of us knew much about.

We both related to how incredibly important it is to come to terms with who you really are. It is amazing to us that many of these men had no role models and had to go through this incredibly difficult process of self-discovery on their own. Even today, with all the support we both had in coming out, it was still extremely difficult.

We both agreed that neither of us have any kind of true historical context to understand our own history as gay men. And that is our own fault. With books like this, documenting our history, we feel like we're on the way to understanding and claiming that history. For us, this is an important book and it's making us search for other books that document our history.

If you want to see how far we've come, read this book!

If you want to see how far we have to go, read this book!

We'd now like to hear from you about your favorite non fiction book. It doesn't have to have a gay-theme necessarily, but it would be nice if it did. Maybe you could even write a short summary of why you picked it as your favorite non fiction book.

Tornadoes & My Knight In Shining Armor

Some of you may have heard about the tornado devastation we had here in Massachusetts this past Wednesday night. It wasn't on the same scale of destruction they had about a month ago in the Midwest and South, but when they start announcing tornadoes are touching down all over the place and they're headed your way, you never know how bad it's gonna be.

I was home all by myself when the news reports started coming in. My mom and sister had gone to visit some family friends in Rhode Island and my dad was at a two-day conference in New York.

All the local TV stations were having this Breaking News coverage and were actually broadcasting pictures of some of the tornadoes as they were touching down. I'd never seen anything like this while it was happening. I mean this was live TV. It was still early afternoon so the pictures were coming in pretty clear. They actually showed the top of this apartment complex being blown off while it was happening!

Man, I was in total freak-out mode. No matter how strong I like to think I am, when something like this is happening, and I'm all alone, and those tornadoes are headed my way, I thought I was gonna have a freakin panic attack. They were giving these time frames of when the tornadoes were going to hit different communities, and then there was the town I live in showing up on the screen! What am I suppose to do? They were saying to get ready to go to a safe place like your basement or cellar. And the TV announcers were all starting to freak out but trying not to show it.

OMG, I'm all alone and the house might be blown away! I might be killed! I just started getting more panicked and totally freaked out! Fuck! This might be the end! I then went from cry-baby mode to total, honest to God panic mode!

I went to make sure we had plenty of batteries for the radio in case we lost electricity. What was I thinking? I mean, if we didn't have batteries was I going to get in my car and go to the store? The wind was already blowing pretty fierce and they were warning everybody to get off the roads. Now, what was I suppose to do next?

I called Matt. I mean, I didn't know what else to do. They let him go home early from work and when he answered his phone, I started screaming and crying like a baby. He said he was already on his way to my place and was about 10 minutes away. ALREADY ON HIS WAY! He said he had already called his family and told them I was all alone. They had everything under control there, so they told him to be safe and make sure I was safe.

When he finally got there I grabbed him and held on tight. I couldn't stop crying. I was honest to God hysterical! Matt just held me, rubbed my back, soothed me, reassured me we were gonna be okay. Then he took complete charge like he had been through all this before (which he hadn't).

He made sure we had plenty of drinking water, so we began filling up these bowls and some empty spring water gallon bottles. The wind was coming from the west, so he got the storm windows down on that side. Then he got all the flashlights and batteries out, along with some candles. He went down to the basement to check things out there and then said we needed to bring the radios and other supplies down. He seemed to be in this total rational action mode. I mean, if I ever needed a man around, it was now! And he was there.

We watched the TV some more, and it looked like the storm was heading a little further south from where we were. At least our town was no longer on the TV screen as a possible target.

Matt NEVER let me out of his sight. I wouldn't have let him anyway, and I think he knew that. The announcers on TV kept saying you never knew if these storms might take a different track, so that got me freaked out even more.

After we did everything that could possibly be done, Matt led me to the basement and we watched TV there. He sat me on the couch and wrapped his very strong arms around me and cupped my head in his strong but gentle hands. He kept kissing me on my head and whispering to me that it was going to be alright. He then put the TV on "mute" so he could watch it, but where I couldn't see it.

Then out of the blue he started calmly telling me this story from his childhood about when his grandparents came to visit when he was like 6 years old. He started telling me all kinds of sweet things about his grandad and grandma, like how he was so excited to see them and what kind of presents they brought him and his brothers. His story went on and on and I learned some things about his childhood he had never told me before. I mean, he was telling all this in such a totally calm and soothing voice, I thought I might fall asleep, but I wanted to hear it all. And his very masculine arms were all around me. I sorta went in this fetal position and realized I was totally calm, like there was no storm going on and nothing to worry about.

The storm kept on a southward path away from us and Matt stayed the whole night. Just me and him. I woke up several times and realized he had undressed me and had me tucked away on the sleeper-sofa with blankets all around me and him laying there with his body cuddling me. The storm eventually passed and I was awakened around 3 AM with him making love to me. God I needed that like never before. But it was different this time. It wasn't like hot, wild, out of control romantic sex like we usually had. This was so loving and gentle and sweet, like he was saying, I am totally here with you. You have nothing to worry about. Nothing.

Do I believe in fairy tales? I do now. At least I believe in Knights in Shining Armor.