Crossing the Prom Finish Line



The "MattMobile," also known as "Brad's Prom Chariot"



Tomorrow's the big day! I'll just keep this brief due to all the last minute planning we're doing.

I've arranged for a limo to pick up Brad and four other couples he's invited to ride in our official Prom Chariot.

So here's the itinerary for Saturday.

1. I'll arrive at Brad's home at 4:30 PM to have a little pre-prom appetizer with his family.
2. We'll arrive at my home at 6:00 PM for my family to add to the appetizers festivities.
3. We'll make the rounds to pick up the four other couples in the limo.
4. We'll make our Grand Entrance at the fancy hotel ballroom at 7:30 PM.
5. Let the Prom begin at 8:00 PM.
6. Let the introductions and mingling begin.
7. Let the dinner begin.
8. Let the dancing begin.
9. Decide on any after-Prom festivities.... dancing on the town, etc.
10. Drop off the other couples.
11. Arrival at the hotel where Brad and I will spend the night.
12. Getting ready for the night's dessert, which will include some, uh, leather restraints. More said on that later :)

You Bring Me Joy

Brad, when you get home from school today, close your eyes and listen to this. It sums everything up for me, pure and simple:

I Figured it Out! Finally!



My fantasy about what might happen! Yeah, right! :)



Please bear with me as I pound this topic to death. Every time I write about something difficult it seems to help. And this whole Prom business will be over Saturday and I plan to write happy things about what happened, I'm sure. Right now I think I'm almost working it through, so here goes. Thanks for your patience with me!



A lot of things about my reaction to this whole thing are sorta surprising me. On Monday this week, Matt wrote that thing about us holding hands at the mall and getting called a name by three guys about our age. I'm still trying to figure out why I had about 5% anxiety over being so visible and "out" in such a public setting, even after the "incident." Then I think about the anxiety I've been feeling about going with Matt to the Prom and I have about 80% anxiety some of the time. I mean, I didn't know anybody at the mall but I know just about everybody in my senior class. And they all know I'm gay and I don't get harassed anymore by anybody there. You would think those percentages would be just the opposite. I can't figure it out. It makes no sense to me.

Why would I feel less nervous among total strangers where for all I know the majority of people there might be homophobic? And why would I feel more nervous being about people I know and see every day and have about as "normal" a relationship as you can have?

The only thing I can figure is that, even though some of my close friends have met Matt and have seen us together as a couple, the vast majority have never seen me as part of a couple. Ever. Maybe I'm worried about them seeing this side of me they've never seen before. I've always been "just Brad" and have never been seen as "Brad and Matt," if that makes any sense. I never dated anybody in high school and I don't think people have ever thought about me as being a "couple" with somebody. For some reason this is making me totally self-conscious.



So maybe that's it. I'll be showing up at the Prom with my boyfriend. Except for a few friends, nobody has ever see me as part of a couple. I know once they see Matt and talk to us, everything will be fine. Matt is good at conversation, even with people he doesn't know. And he knows I'm nervous so I know he will be there for me in every way possible.

I think I have it now! People know how to relate to me as "Brad," or as "Brad and (name any of my friends I hang with)." But nobody has ever related to me as "Brad and his boyfriend,"  or as "Brad and Matt" because I've never had a boyfriend. I wonder if I'm going to act any different? I wonder if how people see me is going to change in some way?

 

So, yeah, people will see me "acting" different than they've ever seen before. I mean, I'll be dancing with my boyfriend, for God's sake! They will be hearing me introduce him to others as, "This is my boyfriend, Matt." They'll see this whole other side of me that's never been there. I think I'm just having trouble adjusting to this idea. I know people will be nice (or at least not say anything), but it's sorta like I won't be controlling any of this.



Matt suggested last night that I go back and reread all the comments all of you made when I first wrote about going to the Prom. I remember when I wrote that post and read your comments I was on this high with confidence.



Warning! What is about to following is pure, unadulterated bragging. I admit it and will allow myself that indulgence. So here goes: 



I'm proud of myself for going to the Prom with my boyfriend. I'm proud of myself for figuring out what all the anxiety is about. I'm proud of myself for working it all the way through. I'm very proud of myself for not backing out. I know we will have a good time and have no regrets. And, most important of all, literally, is I'm so lucky and proud to have Matt in my life.

You, Matt, mean the world to me. Will I still have some anxiety when we show up together? Probably. Will I be happy to have you at my side the whole night? More than you know, my love!

Graduating High School

Matt and I have talked about our high school experiences, and in many ways I go to a really cool high school. It's not perfect by any means, which I guess is true about most schools. Going to my Senior Prom this Saturday has also been on my mind and we've been talking a lot about that.

I'm getting close to graduating so I've been thinking a lot about these past four years. Some things I'm going to miss a lot. Some things I wish there was this potion you could take to wipe out total memory of what happened!

For me, high school has been one of those experiences where so many important things have happened. It's also been one of the most confusing periods in my life. At one point it was also a very sad and tragic time. Two kids died in this freak accident and it was the first time I had to deal with death in a very real way.

I also made a number of good friends who I want to be in my life forever. Then there are others I hope never to see again.

During my Freshman year, when I was 15, I finally came to terms with my sexuality. In some ways it was easy, because I had no doubt whatsoever that I was gay. In other ways coming out was this strange mixture of excitement, confusion, anxiety and hope. People responded very differently and sometimes I felt filled with hope and sometimes with terror.

When I came out, I told my parents and sister and just a few friends at school -- which meant everybody eventually found out! Some people were not surprised. Some were. Some thought it was cool. Some thought it was disgusting. It made me closer to some and a number of people became my enemies and made it their mission to make my life as miserable as possible.

And then there were the teachers. There have been about five or six who take their profession seriously. They are friendly and personable but you know they are not your "friend" or "buddy." They are first-class teachers, first and always. They seem to really like teaching and I learned a lot from them. But even more important than learning just the subject they taught, I got from them this desire and love of learning. They were the teachers who would take you seriously, like you were worth their time. You knew the "real teachers" from the ones who seemed to be bored and doing it just to get a pay check. They were the ones you never felt really saw you -- I mean really saw you. I learned little from them -- and actually felt sorry for them.

During high school I learned a lot about my body. I stumbled onto soccer as something I really liked and learned how to get my body in shape and do things I never imagined it capable of doing. I made it make these really quick turns and twists in order to pass the ball, get quickly to where I needed to be on the field, out-maneuver players on the other team, keep from tripping and falling on my ass, and get into what I can only describe as this really beautiful dance-like flow of movement. I had always been good at academics and thinking (and as my mom will tell you, I'm good at arguing!), so developing this skill with my body was totally new and exciting to me.

I learned that in many ways I had more in common with the girls than the boys. There are, of course, shallow and uninteresting girls as well as boys. But, I don't know, I always felt somehow I could relate better with the girls. It's hard to explain but I felt like I had more in common with them. As a whole, it was the girls who had fewer problems accepting me as gay. I would gossip with them about all the cute boys. Plus I think they know I appreciated their fashion sense in clothes and style. We would also joke about how pretentious a lot of the "jocks" were. I shared with them their opinion that in spite of all their bravado and "toughness," in many ways they had no idea how insecure, childish and immature they were.

I do, on the other hand, have some really close male friends. Six are totally straight and four are totally gay. We hang around together, eat lunch together, go out together and refer to ourselves as (get this!) "The Posse." For the life of me I can't remember how we decided on that name. I think it just sounded cool at the time and that was what it was about. We look out for each other and what one is going through, we all go through. The straight guys always looked out for us gay guys (or "gay dudes," as they call us!) if we were harassed, and we advised them on how girls really think and what they want (we did have an inside ear in the girl camp, plus I think just being gay helps for some reason). Plus every one in our gang has similar personalities, similar interests in music and a similar outlook on life.

I've very proud of playing a role, along with every member of The Posse (and a few of the straight guy's girlfriends), and five or six other kids, in helping get a GSA (Gay/Straight Alliance) club established. Plus, we have these two wonderful faculty advisers to sponsor us. One is this very cool straight married male teacher and the other is this fabulous out lesbian partnered female teacher. We always get the feeling they are so proud of all of us -- straight, bi and gay -- and really, genuinely care about us. I'm getting teary just thinking about them.

So, now that I'm getting very close to graduating, I'm having all these mixed feelings. A lot of sadness and also a lot of relief that it's finally coming to an end. Oh, and there's the Prom this Saturday. I'm glad Matt and I are going as a couple. It means a lot to me that he wants to. But if you remember my post a while back about when I was trying to decide whether to go or not, some of my anxieties are returning. I think that's normal but I just wish I could manage it a lot better. I wake up a lot at night and have been having dreams about the Prom and they're about being under this bright spotlight, so I know I'm anxious about feeling "too out there" or exposed in some way. I have to talk myself back into feeling excited about going. Plus, Matty has been an incredible support for me. I know everything will work out fine -- but sometimes I seem to forget that and go back to second-guessing myself. I have to keep telling myself that it will go fine, it will go fine, it will go fine. But I'm still scared.

Holding Hands in Public

(Note: Brad's Senior Prom is this Saturday and we've been talking about it a lot. I'm so happy to be going as his date. Understandably, doing something this public has made us feel both excited and somewhat nervous. What follows is something I wrote after Brad and I had been dating about 5 months. It deals with Brad's courage in being "out" in public. When I think about that day at the mall, I feel inspired all over again. I thought this would be a nice lead-in to this week leading up to his Prom.  Since we've been together now almost a year, I revised it a little bit to make it current. The basics of what happened at the mall are exactly the same as when I first wrote it. I hope you enjoy it - Matt)

When Brad and I had been dating about 5 months (it's almost a year now!), he was 17 and I was 18. Our romance had really deepened by that point and had taken off beyond our wildest dreams.

We had talked about how we were going to handle the issue of being seen in the general public with our relationship -- something straight couples probably never had to talk about. What about holding hands? What about putting our arms around each other? What about those things called "public displays of affection," meaning giving each other a kiss? And we were not talking about doing this to make some kind of political statement. We just wanted to be ourselves out in public like any other couple.

Well, Brad wanted to go to the mall one Saturday to buy some jeans and a few shirts, and even though I HATE malls, I quickly said Yes! I love spending time with him, even if it's in a crowded, commercial mall, with tons of screaming kids!

So, we get there and when we we're walking down the mall to his store, we were holding hands and just talking. Then these 3 guys about our age passed us, and when they did, one of them said, "Look at the fags!" The other 2 guys just snickered. I stopped and turned around and said, "What?" The one who called us the name just said, "You heard me," and they kept walking away. Well, I started walking toward them, which might have been a dumb thing to do, but it was on some kind of instinct that I wasn't going to let it pass. I swear I'm not a violent person -- in fact, I HATE violence, but for a split second, I wanted to walk over and start swinging at them. I was so heated and tense, I'm afraid if I had followed through on it, I would have probably been arrested or something.

Well, Brad took a step toward me, grabbed my hand and pulled me back. Without letting go of my hand, he just said, "Come on, Matt, let it go." I looked at him like he was nuts or something, and he just smiled (!). He then said, "Come on, we're going to walk down this mall like we own it." After a brief pause during which I melted at his concern for me, and seeing the love in his eyes, he grabbed my hand again, and led me away.

He said he wanted to stop and get a coffee, and we continued walking down the mall holding hands. Well, I was totally embarrassed at myself for not taking the high road and just letting it go -- and totally amazed that he make two short comments (owning the mall, and getting the coffee) and wanted to continue holding hands, that I felt like I left my body and wanted to make love to him right there in the mall! (Well, I'm sure we would have gotten arrested then!). When we got to the coffee shop, he ordered for me and made my coffee just like I like it. We sat down and it was really hard to look him in the face because I felt so guilty and stupid and small for having almost gotten into a fight. I was so ashamed I just kept looking in my coffee cup.

He just smiled at me and reached out and took my hand. I couldn't help but look up and say, "What?" He said, "You know what? Right now, me and you are the only two people in this mall. I don't know who those guys were, but they're nothing to us. You and I are all that matter right now." --- He was looking right at me, I mean really looking in my eyes without looking away. I felt like he could see everything inside me and I didn't need to explain anything about why I almost got into a stupid fight.

He has this thing about him that makes me forget everything around me when we're together. It's hard to explain, and in one way is so erotic. When he speaks, he looks in your eyes and your soul. When you speak to him, he hears you. I mean, nothing gets in the way when he's looking at you. He has this amazing ability to completely focus on you. His blue-grey eyes just pull me in. So, we finished our coffee, got his jeans and shirts (God, he looks hot in jeans -- especially those tight ones!), and left.

How is it I deserve this guy? He has this strength that is quiet and subtle in a way. There's a certain shyness and sweetness about him, but don't ever underestimate his strength and courage. When I'm in public with him, it really is like we're the only two people on the planet. 

Speedos & How I Almost Became a Nudist

Most people who know me are aware that I LOVE Speedos, you know, those itsy-bitsy swim suits. Or rather I should say, I LOVE  the guys who wear them! Well, that's not what I meant to say. I mean I LOVE how the guys look who wear Speedos. Brad is the only guy I love!!

I can't wait for Summer to get here. I practically grew up in Speedos. My parents said I took to water like a fish right after I was born. They said when I turned two years old and they would take me swimming I would have these huge temper tantrums when I took my clothes off and they tried to put on my swim suit. They said I would yell something like, "But I'm a fish! I'm a fish!" And you can bet no amount of reasoning or threats would make me willingly agree to wear anything.

They finally bought me one of those Speedos for little kids (probably had maybe 5 square inches of material). When they showed it to me, they said I lit up and just said, "Okay." They think I liked 'em because they were brightly colored. In my fantasy I like to think that maybe I saw this really hot guy at the pool wearing Speedos and wanted to be just like him! Well, I've been wearing 'em ever since.

So, all through elementary school, middle school and high school, when I would go swimming, that's all you would ever find me in. I got into competative swimming during middle school and high school, and, of course, Speedos were what you wore.

I'm thinking that if my parents hadn't bought me those brightly colored Speedos when I was two years old, maybe I'd still think I was a fish and would have become a total nudist!

I'm still trying to get Brad to buy one, but so far I haven't been able to convince him. I think he would look sexy, but I'm not gonna push it, of course. After all, it really doesn't matter 'cause he looks sexy in whatever he wears (or, uh, doesn't wear!).

An Open Letter to Brad

Dear Brad,

Thank you for your trust in agreeing to let me send you this "open" letter on our blog without you reading if first. 

I want you to know I understand how hard it was for you to write about that first "crisis" we went through after only a month into our relationship. We talked about the pros and cons of being so public about your fears of confronting me with your feelings and also about how I felt about everyone knowing about my ADHD.

I loved seeing how you went about making the decision to put yourself out there in such a public setting and be totally honest and vulnerable about how you felt. And also about how you were so sensitive to how I felt about something that is still very personal (and basically private) to me.

Reading what you wrote meant a lot to me and I want you to know how much I respect and admire your courage. I know it was a hard thing to confront me so many months ago and then to find the words to share it with others here. I'm hopeful that others will benefit from seeing how you figured out how to bring all this up to me. It's never easy to tell someone you care about that you're feeling scared or confused or even angry.

I also want to thank you for the progress I'm making in not feeling so ashamed or embarassed about the ADHD. This is directly connected to our talks about it and what you wrote here the past two days. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself because it's something I didn't cause, but I guess with all the negative experiences I had growing up connected to it, it's always had this "stigma" thing attached to it.

I don't want to make this a "sappy" letter because that's not how I'm feeling. We've always agreed to be truthful with each other, and I can say without any hesitation that I love you beyond words. I never thought I would ever deserve to have someone like you in my life. And I can't imagine what my life would be like without you in it.

Love (pure and simple),

Matt

P.S. - Wanna go out tonight for dinner at our favorite restaurant and then back to my place for "sleep-over dessert"? No limit on servings, of course!
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"Motor Mouth" or Something Serious? part 2

To say that I was scared shitless about bringing all this up would be an understatement. But I had a choice, which was to stuff my pissed feelings and just concentrate on everything that was going unbelievably well and hope for the best, or, to find out what the hell was going on so we could either talk about it and work it out or, worse-case, figure out whether we had a future together. I didn't want to end up getting really hurt even harder later on if it was something I couldn't deal with. And the whole drug possibility was totally freaking me out.

So, I got up my courage and told him we needed to have a serious talk. We were already planning to go on this picnic hike on a State wildlife reservation north of Boston on Saturday a few days ahead. Matt had been before and he said it was never crowded with lots of people. And there were these really cool secluded areas in the woods just off the trail.

He asked me what I wanted to talk about (fair question). I didn't want to get into it then so all I said was something like, "I just want to tell you how I feel about you -- and us. You know, our future together and where we go from here." He looked relieved but I could also tell he was a little confused. This would be the first time in the month we had been dating we had ever had a "sit down serious talk." I think he could also tell I had this serious look on my face. He asked if I could give him a hint, and I just grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze and repeated what I had just said. He raised our hands to his lips and kissed my hand. All he said was, "Well, anything having to do with you is worth the wait."

I tried  to make everything normal until Saturday, so we got back into our usual flow, even though I felt like we were both a little more chill than usual.

When we got to the reservation on Saturday, Matt led us to the trail he said would lead to this little clearing in the woods that was kinda private. Luckily when we got there, nobody was around.

Matt had packed this really cool picnic lunch. He knew I loved these "subway" sandwiches with lots of lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and peppered ham. Plus he brought some lemonade (which I love) and -- most importantly -- plenty of your good ol' junk food (every teenager's delight!), such as potato chips, chocolate chip cookies and some kind of moist cake made mostly of chocolate!

We spread out our picnic and began eating and talking about how beautiful the place was. I felt like it wouldn't do any good to delay our talk, plus, even though I was scared as hell, I couldn't just pretend this was "just another walk in the woods," so to speak.

So, I just said something like, "So, I guess you're wondering why I called you here?" Matt smiled but had this worried and freaked look on his face and I just said, "Well, I want to tell you some stuff I've been thinking about and before you respond, I need you to let me get everything out and then we can talk about it. No questions, no interruptions, no discussing till it's all out. Okay?" He kinda smiled and said, "Sure. No problem. It might be kinda hard to not say anything till you're finished, but, sure, I can do that." I told him, "Well, that's kinda what I wanted to talk about."

I won't go into a detailed transcript of what I said, but I basically summarized how happy and lucky I felt to be boyfriends. I gave some examples of what our relationship meant to me and how happy I've been over the past 4 or 5 weeks.

Then I told him I wanted to know him even better but said I had been finding that hard to do. I said not to take this wrong, but, "sometimes you come on kinda strong. I mean I always want to soak up everything you say and have these great talks and everything. But sometimes, you know, it's hard for me to take it all in. Maybe you're just a lot smarter than me or something, but I don't feel like I have a whole lot of time to run everything you say through my brain. And then you just keep going and before I know it, I feel like I've been left behind."

So far Matt had just been sitting there listening to me, like I asked him to. He was looking right in my eyes and it seemed to to be going in. So I just said, "You know how we joke with each other a lot. Well, I don't know whether to give you a pet name like "Motor Mouth Matt" or if there's something else going on. I guess I'm confused sometimes because I don't know how to think about it. Sometimes you're fun to watch like you're this excited little kid and you just want to tell me everything that's going on in your head. And then other times I start getting kinda pissed cause you're words fall all over me and I don't feel like I have a chance to jump in. Does any of this make any sense or am I just being overly sensitive?

At this point, Matt looked down at the ground like he was thinking how to respond. Then he looked up and I swear to God his face was pale, and, oh shit, his eyes had all these tears in them. I thought he was going to start crying and felt scared like I'd hurt his feelings. He looked crushed and I didn't know what to do.

He then said something along the lines of, "Brad, I am so sorry I've put you through this. I totally apologize for making you feel all this. The last thing I want is to hurt you or make you pissed or anything like that." He had some tears going down his face and I wanted to take back everything I said. I had never seen him like this and it was killing me. But he went on...

"I've been called 'Motor Mouth' so many times it's not funny. Sometimes I feel like I can't control it like something gets control of my brain and I can't stop talking."

Then he said, "I want to tell you something that's hard for me to talk about. It's always been embarrassing for me. I'm not saying this is an excuse, but it is what it is."

Then he explained that when he was a little kid, he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I knew a little bit about it but he went through a step-by-step explanation. He said he sometimes took this medication and even though the doctor said he might outgrow the "hyperactive" part of it, it was still there but not as bad as when he was little. He said he had learned ways to control it on his own, but he still needed the medication at times.

He explained that when he got "revved up" or overexcited about something it was like his brain was hard to control. Then he said that meeting me had been the most exciting thing that ever happened to him.

He also said he was still ashamed or something about having it. When he was a little kid, before it was diagnosed, teachers would get so frustrated with him because he couldn't sit still or stay focused on his work. He said he got called all kinds of names like "troublemaker," "brat," and yes, "motor mouth." One teacher even said he would probably end up in juvie because he was always talking back and getting in trouble. Plus the other kids didn't like being around him.

Well, by this time I was crying. I felt like I had just added to all his troubles. He could tell it and held my hands and then put his arms around me and told me I did the right thing by bringing all this up. The difference, he said, in me bringing it up and all this teachers when he was a kid, was that he knew I cared about him.

We talked and cried a little bit more and he said he didn't want to loose me. All I said was, "I want this to work."

On the way back home I told him I had been worried he was doing drugs or something. He assured me the only "coke" he had ever done was "Diet Coke" and he had no interest in doing drugs and had never tried any. I mentioned the thing about him going to the bathroom a lot when we were snuggling on the sofa watching movies. He laughed and said that was because he probably drank too much soda and had to pee a lot, and, well he always wore boxers instead of tighter undies when we snuggled and he had to, well, go adjust himself.

Anyway, there you have it. Our first "crisis" in our first month together. I felt drained and relieved and, well, good that we had the talk. It seemed like we might have a chance after all.

"Motor Mouth" or Something Serious? part 1

As you might remember from some of the first things I wrote about meeting Matt that first time, this was not one of those relationships you hear about that go at a slow pace and take time to develop. A few minutes after meeting him that first time I was so turned on that I wanted to reach out and hold his face with both my hands and pull him in to kiss those lips, then take his clothes off and make passionate love to him the rest of the day. Only problem was, I met him at his eighteenth birthday party and there were maybe 20 or 30 other people there! Plus, I was only seventeen then and had never kissed another boy much less had sex and made love to one. But, whew, I was speeding inside with all kinds of feelings that I started getting lightheaded. As you recall from what I wrote, I played it cool and probably came across as super shy.

Soon after we met at his party he asked me out on a date for the following weekend. He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie. Very romantic indeed! During that first week before the date we talked on the phone every day.

Well, that first date sealed the deal for me, and maybe I'll write about that at some point. All I knew after that date was I wanted to see this guy every chance I could. But I really had to slow myself down. I mean, we had only known each other a week. Plus, I had never dated before and didn't know exactly how all this worked. I didn't want Matt to think I was lonely or needy or somehow pathetic. All I knew was that I wanted to find a balance between jumping his bones every time I saw him and just trying to be my natural low-key self.

Matt, however, was a different story. I mean he never came across as needy or anything, but whenever he was around, he always looked so eager and engaged -- a little anxious even. I always felt like there was this energy coming out of him that he sometimes had a hard time controlling. It was very easy for me to get swept up in all that energy, and, to be honest, it made me feel good. Being on the receiving end made me feel special and attractive. When he was around I felt like we were the only two people on the planet.

After about a month into the relationship, I started feeling like I couldn't keep up with him. He was always talking about different things we could do together like going to the beach, going sailing, going backpacking and camping. He was always talking about various plans he had for his future and a wide array of beliefs and philosophy about life. On the more relaxed side of things, I liked that he wanted to show me some of his favorite special spots where he liked to go to be by himself when he needed to think.

And, dear God, Matt always had ideas and thoughts and plans he couldn't wait to tell me about. All this was totally exciting and I remember thinking he was the most intelligent, exciting and interesting person I'd ever met. But sometimes he couldn't stop talking. It was like there was this engine inside him that was always on overdrive.

Sometimes he would be telling me about something and it was almost like all his sentences ran together. Or I would be telling him something and every now and then he would jump right in the middle of my sentence and take off running. In the beginning I just thought it was nervous energy and tried to be patient. As time went on I started getting seriously pissed. It was like he was sucking all the air out of the room. Sometimes he had trouble staying on one topic and his thoughts would go bouncing all over the place.

In that first month I was a little nervous about bringing it up to him. Everything else was going seriously great, but I didn't know how to talk to him about it. I decided to talk to two friends of mine about it. One of them said just to make a joke about it and use humor, like maybe call him "Motor Mouth Matt." Maybe he would get the hint and chill.

The other friend asked me if I thought Matt was doing drugs, like some heavy-duty speed or something. That might explain a lot. And I did notice he would go to the bathroom a lot while we were watching a movie at his or my house. Was he doing lines of coke or something?

Oh shit, please God, not that! Whatever it was, I was getting super nervous and worked up. I wanted to think he was just your run-of-the-mill "motor mouth" cause I could work with that. But if it was some shit about drugs -- man, I didn't even want to think about that. One of my cousins got into some serious trouble big-time with that crap and that was something I knew I didn't want to deal with. I would definitely not put up with that.

I felt like I had to be honest and just put it on the table and tell Matt what I was feeling. I would see how he responded, and if I needed to I would ask him about whether he was doing drugs. Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? Is this something I'm gonna have to get out of?

So when I finally brought it up to him, he leveled with me. And it was not what I expected. We had a hell of a lot of talking to do after he laid it out.

I'm still thinking about how I'm gonna explain and write about this so I'll be up tonight finishing it and letting Matt read it before it goes up tomorrow. Right now I'm totally exhausted.

Risky Business

We mentioned a while back that we wanted to write in a little more depth about some of the things we've discovered about ourselves as a couple. Some of these things are going to be easy to write about because they're fun and positive and -- at least to us -- interesting.

We're even talking about some stuff that has to do with our sex life. Some of the sexual stuff will be kinda funny, like a couple of unexpected hilarious things that happened in the heat of the moment. And then there's the difficult things maybe everybody goes through in the beginning like how to talk about what you like and don't like about sex. And then there's all that stuff about what sex means. Sometimes it's just pure and simple play. At other times it has all kinds of different meanings to is, some that are wonderful and exciting and some that are all tangled up in stuff that's happened in our past and is difficult and painful.

So we decided to write about one or two of these "serious" topics a week and use the rest of the week to slip in either some topics that mean a lot to us (like Prom Night, what we're dong this summer, some book reviews, etc.) or to just yap about such crucial issues as Matt's obsession with guys in Speedos or Brad's secret sexual fantasies (one of which Matt doesn't even know about yet)..... {"Huh??, Matt says"}.

There are two ground rules we agreed on as we go forward:

1. We both have to agree on any draft before it's published. Some of the topics are going to be seriously personal where we talk about painful things. Other topics might be very revealing and maybe embarrassing. So, these are topics we have to talk through first and both agree that what we've written is ready to be revealed.
2. Except for some of the silly and fun topics, we want to stay true to our "Mission Statement", as Missy calls it:

We're keeping these three things in mind while writing our blog: (1) Maybe you're a gay teen who's never been in a relationship and you're wanting to get a glimpse into how we're doing it; (2) Maybe you're in a relationship and we can all learn some things from each other; (3) Maybe you just want to go on this journey with us by offering you're insights, sharing in our discoveries, celebrating our love and offering your support.

So tomorrow Brad wants to write about the first crisis we faced. We both talked long and hard about whether to reveal what it's about in such a public place. For Brad it was an extremely hard thing to reveal and he almost decided to scrap it. For Matt it's very embarrassing and, well, you'll see for yourself tomorrow. In the end we both agreed that it's in keeping with our "Mission Statement" and we hope others can see how hard it is to confront very personal and difficult issues in a relationship. Relationships can be many things and you'll see tomorrow how we're both discovering it can truly be a Risky Business.

Boston Marathon and Odds & Ends

Hi All.....

Just a few odds and ends.

Monday (4/18) is the Boston Marathon and since Brad and I are not too far from some of the roads along the route, we won't be posting Monday. My aunt and uncle will be running the Marathon and Brad and I will be cheering them on!

My aunt had breast cancer a few years back (she's totally fine now), and since they've been marathon runners for years now, they are running this year as part of a breast cancer charity. There's one section of the route that's known as Heartbreak Hill in Newton, MA, and it's the only real hill on the entire route. It's maybe 2/3 of the way into the route and the incline is suppose to be a real killer. So, me and Brad and 3 other couples will be at the foot of the hill to cheer them on! Then we will make our way over to the subway heading downtown to the Finish Line to meet up with them and celebrate!! I'm so proud of my aunt and uncle. They're really great people and I know they are going to give us a hard time for taking the subway, but, hey, maybe someday I'll train for it too!

Also, as a followup to Brad's post about going to the prom (he's busy right now on an outing with his family and asked me to relate this), he wanted all of you to know WE'RE GOING TO THE PROM!!!!! I'm totally psyched and can't wait to get dressed up for it. He (jokingly) said now he has to go pick out his Prom dress!! LOL. Seriously, we are totally up for this. There will be some other same-sex couples there and they have two faculty advisors from the Gay-Straight Alliance club who will be there. They said the principal is TOTALLY supportive of this and supposedly things will be monitored in case there are any sour apples in the bunch.

We're hoping to begin next week posting some of the things we've talked about in past posts. Some of the good things we have going for us as well as some of the things that have been really hard for us to work through. It's kinda scary being so vulnerable about this stuff, but one of the things we wanted this blog to be about is a glimpse into how we're making this relationship work so other gay teens (and adults, etc.) can maybe get a sense of how we're doing it, NOT saying the way we're doing it is the right way or the only way for others, just our way. Maybe we can all learn from each other.

Talk to you then!

Army Boys Just Wanna Have Fun!

This is just such a fun video I couldn't resist posting it. Enjoy!

Day of Silence - April 15

NOTE FROM BRAD & MATT: We want to give one of our regular readers, Debbie, credit for bringing this to our attention! Both of us will be away Friday and part of Saturday, so we wanted to go ahead and post this really important happening on Fri., April 15:

April 15 is NATIONAL DAY OF SILENCE.  

On the National Day of Silence hundreds of thousands of students in high school and college nationwide take a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in their schools.

 Every year, more and more students participate in the Day of Silence, which began 13 years ago when University of Virginia students wanted to find a way to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment on campus.

Here is what the Day of Silence is all about:

1) The Day of Silence’s purpose is to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment and effective responses.

The goal of the Day of Silence is to make schools safer for all students, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity/expression. In a Harris Interactive study on bullying, students said two of the top three reasons students are harassed in school are actual or perceived sexual orientation and gender expression. Additionally, nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT students experience harassment at school.

Students across the country participate in the Day of Silence to bring attention to this problem, let students who experience such bullying know that they are not alone and ask schools to take action to address the problem.

2) Hundreds of thousands of students of all beliefs, backgrounds and sexual orientations participate in the Day of Silence.

Anti-LGBT bullying and harassment affects all students. Slurs such as "faggot" and "dyke" are commonplace in school. The Day of Silence is an example of students, from middle school to college, working together proactively to bring attention to the anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment experienced by LGBT and straight students alike. GLSEN, the Day of Silence’s organizational sponsor, encourages participants to be counted by registering at www.dayofsilence.org.

Students from nearly 8,000 middle and high schools registered for the 2008 Day of Silence. GLSEN protects the privacy of students and does not publish a list of students who have registered or their schools. Many students who participate also belong to Gay-Straight Alliance student clubs, of which nearly 4,000 are registered with GLSEN. The first GSA was created by a straight student over 20 years ago, in the fall of 1988.

3) Day of Silence participants encourage schools to implement proven solutions to address anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment.

Adopt and implement a comprehensive anti-bullying policy that enumerates categories such as race, gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation and gender expression/identity.

Provide staff trainings to enable school staff to identify and address anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment effectively and in a timely manner.

Support student efforts to address anti-LGBT bullying and harassment on campus, such as the formation of a Gay-Straight Alliance.

Institute age-appropriate, factually accurate and inclusive curricula to help students understand and respect difference within the school community and society as a whole.

4) The day is a positive educational experience.

The Day of Silence is an opportunity for students to work toward improving school climate for all students. GLSEN advises students interested in participating to discuss their intentions with their administration and teachers long before the event. The day is most successful when schools and students work together to show their commitment to ensuring safe schools for all students. Many schools allow students’ participation throughout the day. Some schools ask students to speak as they normally would during class and remain silent during breaks and at lunch. There is no single way to participate, and students are encouraged to take part in the way that is the most positive and uplifting for their school.

You can read more about The National Day of Silence at their website: National Day of Silence.

First Loves and No Guarantees

In Brad's post yesterday about Do First Loves Last?, he summarized what we actually began talking about maybe 2 or 3 months into our dating. We've already mentioned how this is the first relationship for each of us so it's been on our minds early on.

I think it's an important question for anybody in our shoes to ask, right? Not once during the time we've been together have either of us talked about breaking up. We had a serious talk (I mean serious) when we both began to verbalize what each of us had been thinking and feeling about love.

Before using the "L" word with Brad, I talked to my older brother about it. He's two years older than me and  is currently in love with this girl he met in college. I wanted to talk to him because I totally trust my brother. We had a talk a few years ago that we would never bullshit each other about the serious stuff. And we've never let each other down. (I'll say more about what prompted that agreement at another time -- just suffice it to say for now that it had to do with my coming out to him.)

After listening to me talk about Brad and my feelings for him, I asked him the question about whether we were too young to really know what love is all about and whether first loves really lasted. I'm summarizing here, but what he said was, "Matt, only you can know, I mean really know, whether what you have with Brad is real. Just be honest with yourself about what you feel and be honest with him. You can figure it out."

As far as whether first loves have a chance of lasting, he said something like, "First of all, you're going to do a total mind-fuck if you try to predict the future. The reason? You'll go crazy. There's no end to how this kind of thinking goes. You can't predict anything. Don't kid yourself that you can."

So where am I with all this now? What I have with Brad is real. We've done a lot of talking about everything. We've been honest with each other about ourselves, our needs, our visions about the future, sex, careers, etc.......

I believe all Brad and I have at this point is right now, that it's real and we trust that. What we have right now is what we have to concentrate on. The future's not even real cause it's not even happened yet. I want to stay with what we have right now. The future will unfold in it's own way.

So, what we have is this moment in time, and we're building something that feels real. I trust that. We love each other. There's no doubt about that. We want to stay together. There's no doubt about that. We are excited to see each other every time we're together. We get excited thinking about each day and week and month ahead, but we try and stay with our feet in this day.

Where we are at this point in time is more than enough for me.

Do First Loves Last?

I've been thinking a lot lately about first loves. Matt and I have been together almost a year now and I gotta say there's nothing happening in our relationship that makes me think this won't last.

But, I keep hearing things from friends and sometimes I read stuff like, "Well, you know, first loves are really, really wonderful and exciting, but they don't usually last." Last week a friend of mine (I'll call him Downer) said he never knew of a first relationship that survived long-term. He said the younger you are when you fall in love, the less chance there is of that first love lasting.

Downer's reasoning (or maybe it was based on his own experience) is that when you're young and fall in love the first time you really don't have the kind of life experience (I think he called it "maturity") to know how to make things last. "And," he said, "if you're young you are gonna want to get as much experience as possible to see what's out there."

Well, I got to thinking, does he have a point?

Matt and I have been together for just under a year now but what if we're just kidding ourselves in the long run? I mean, neither of us has dated anybody else. How can anybody know with certainty that this thing's going to last?

Sometimes we comment about a hot guy we see on TV, a movie, walking down the street, driving around, etc. We check other guys out when we're together and compare notes. Neither of us does it to make the other jealous. I mean, it's just normal to see a hot guy (they're out there, right?) and say, "Hey, check out that guy." For us boy watching is just, I don't know, innocent fun. We have similar tastes in guys a lot of the time, but sometimes we don't.

I think Downer's perspective is that if you still have raging hormones, you owe it to yourself to give in to them and screw everything in sight. Kinda like sowing your wild oats before you're "mature" enough to settle down.

Personally, I think that's a crock of shit. Sure, I have raging hormones, okay? I admit it. I mean I feel horny like about 23 hours a day!  Sometimes I feel like I want to have sex of some kind every hour on the hour!! Seriously.

Since meeting Matt, sex has been on my mind a lot. So what? Nothing wrong with that. It's what you do with those hormones that matters. I can't imagine saying to Matt, "Hey, you know I love you and like how we're building this life together, but, uh, I hope you understand that I need to go sleep with lots of guys, kiss a lot of frogs, maybe, just to really, really make sure what we have is real."

Am I missing something here?

ONE WEEK Blog Anniversary!

We are both totally amazed to finally reach our ONE WEEK Blog Anniversary. Allow us to toot our horn for a few lines.

First of all, this has been harder to do than either of us imagined. How all you veteran bloggers do it is a mystery to us. Maybe it will get easier, but so far it has been a hell of a lot of work!

Has it been worth it? To us, there's no doubt it has. We spent this weekend looking back over everything we've written. To our eyes, one week out, the end result looks like it was a piece of cake. You have to take our word, though, when we say that all the planning, the writing, the editing, the re-writing, the thinking, the fears, everything has not  been a piece of cake. It's been a lot of hard work. But we look back on what we've done now and we're pretty pleased. No, strike that. We said we were going to toot our horn, so, here's the toot: We're very proud of what we've done.

Okay, enough boasting (except for the excessive image boasting we're gonna keep doing! LOL) First we want to say a few things to all of you, our readers. We went back this weekend and reread every comment people left. To be totally honest, it was a bit overwhelming. Both of us had to reread a number of them and we got teary-eyed a number of times. Neither of us has even gotten this kind of support, love and encouragement. It's almost as if this whole "family" has sprung up around us. Whereas we originally thought people would see us as, I don't know, these two bratty teenage kids who were trying to sound more mature than we really are, we've actually been able to take in what you've said. Not all at once, but bit by bit.

At one point, Brad said, "Who are these people and who are they talking about?"  And Matt said, "Do we really deserve all this?" It really was almost too much to take in all at once. We're just not use to hearing this kind (and amount) of support. But we hope you believe us when we say that we feel incredibly happy and lucky to have found each of you. Thank you very much for believing in us and giving us your support.

We've done a lot of thinking and talking this weekend about where we go from here. We decided to see if we could take things to a deeper level (without dropping the fun we've promised to have also). So we're doing an experiment and thought we would have it done by now, but it's talking a little longer than we thought. We each decided to think about how all the talking we've done to make this blog happen -- all the ideas we've thrown around -- all the feelings we've had -- all the comments everybody has left -- has affected our relationship. Somehow we feel some things have changed. We both feel more freedom to be honest with each other. I mean, all this talking and writing and working together has made us open up to each other more than we ever have.

So, we both have started making a list (not too long, but completely truthful) about the positive things we value most about each other, and another list of things that bug us about each other. So, the positive and the negative. We're not finished yet and we want to talk this thing through with each other before we write about it. We've done a pretty good job so far since we've been together (almost a year now!!) in talking about whatever comes up for us, but there are a few things we've discovered about ourselves and each other that seem to have come out of doing this blog. That's what we want to start off with. We have agreed to be honest and tell the truth as much as we can. This is not going to be "airing our clean and dirty laundry" just for the sake of something to write about. Two of the things we originally said this blog was going to be about is:

     

(1) Maybe you're a gay teen who's never been in a relationship but wants one and you're wanting to get a glimpse into how we're doing it; (2) Maybe you're in a relationship and we can all learn some things from each other.

We also said:

(3) Maybe you just want to go on this journey with us by offering your insights, sharing in our discoveries, celebrating our love and offering your support.

Well, here's where we make these words real. This is what we're working on and (surprise, surprise) it looks like it's going to take a little more time than we thought. We want to not only share our lists with you, but also share how we're working through the hard stuff. We hope to have some of this up by next week.

In  the meantime, here's what we're doing this week (starting tomorrow). Both of us have written something about the one question that has come up over and over about our relationship by our friends. It's an  important question but one that is a little disturbing and hard to answer. Tomorrow, Brad will write about this question and the next day Matt will write his. You guys have commented on our cliffhangers, and I'm afraid this will be another one. Sorry. Guess it keeps you coming back, right?

Later in the week, Matt will finally get his chance to talk about (and show you) his obsession with Speedo boys and Brad will have a few things to say about the guys who get him hot and bothered. 

Again, thank you all for being here. You're really becoming like a huge family for us and we both value all of you!

Love and Hugs,

Brad and Matt
(See, Brad gets his name first sometimes!!)

Coming Attractions!

Both of us worked on this post, just so you know.

Tomorrow (Monday, April 11) will be the ONE WEEK ANNIVERSARY of our blog! The date stamped on the first post is actually incorrect. It was a post we had written weeks before and just saved as a "draft." When we opened for business on April 4th, we just opened the draft and hit "Publish Post." Little did we know it would also show the date we had originally "saved" it, instead of the actual date we published it.

Oops, hold on. I (Matt) just wrote the first paragraph above while Brad was getting some juice. I read him what I had just written and he wants it known that he had reminded me to cut & paste the draft onto a new post so it would have the current date. {ouch!} He just punched my arm! Okay, okay! I can't claim domestic abuse since he's all smiley and cute and cuddly and I'm about to close my laptop cause no matter what he does when he's got "that look," I get all hot and bothered and have to "readjust" Little Matty. Be right back.................

Okay, where were we? Oh, yeah. Our One Week Anniversary tomorrow. We hope you check out what we're posting cause we've gone back over all the comments everyone has made and we want to share with you some things that have hapened in our relationship this one week. A few things have happened that we didn't expect. They caught us off guard. Your comments made us think and talk to each other more than usual.

"[Side Note Written by Brad:] Just for the record, when I "punched" Matt's arm, it was really more of a "love shove", not a "punch" as he claimed. Matt was just wanting some sympathy for forgetting my advice about that first post . He can be such an imp sometimes, but I just play along, because we often end up with some unexpected "play time." Time well spent! {wink}"

Anyway, we want to remember the original reasons we decided to do this blog. One of those things is to share with our readers and especially other teens how we are going about making our relationship work. We don't think there's any way to do that without talking about not only the good times we're having, but also sharing some of our struggles and how we get through them. Every bed of roses has it's thorns, right?

So far in the blog we've put our best foot (feet?) forward. But we're also proud of how we've handled the harder stuff. So, we've made a decision to share a little more of ourselves -- parts of our personalities that have caused some problems. We all have baggage, right? None of us is perfect. Sometimes we say things we regret. Somtimes a mood we're in is hard to control and sours things.

So, we hope you're here tomorrow. It would mean a lot to us.

Love and Hugs,

Matt and Brad

[P.S. by Brad: Why does Matt always sign his name first? {ouch!} Matt just gave me a "love shove." Gotta run!]

Going to the Prom

As you may know, I'll be graduating from high school in June. This is one of the traditional rites of passage that, I guess, is suppose to make a statement that this thing is actually going to happen after 12 long years (not counting preschool and kindergarten, which adds another 3 or 4 years to the total).

So, I decided to ask Matt to be my date for our Senior Prom this year. I have to say I have mixed feelings -- NOT about Matt being my date --but about why we're doing this and what the experience will be like for us that night.

P-R-O-M. First of all, let's talk about what this thing is all about. I mean, just look at the word: PROM. What the hell kind of word is that? To my ears it sounds like some prissy aristocratic thing that could only excite the Royal Family (no disrespect intended to my UK friends).

I mean, really! Just about as exciting as the dictionary definition of the word: "A formal dance held for a high school class at the end of the academic year." YAWN! Oh, and it's also short for PROMENADE (sounds like a juice drink!), which is defined as, "A leisurely walk in a public place." YAWN, YAWN!

At our high school, as I assume it is in most schools, no one questions why we have one. It's just one of those traditions you always do because, well, you always do it!

So am I going to my Senior Prom this year? I want to really bad, even though I have mixed feelings about it. The side of me that wants to go says that I really want to show Matt off (Matt is his usual masculine attire and me with a little more femme look). I want to hold hands and dance together. And most important of all, I want him to be there by my side for this thing that celebrates a major achievement in my life.

But, as I promised myself to be as honest as I can in this blog, I have to admit that I'm very nervous about it. There's no way for us to just "blend in" like everybody else. Nor do I want to. Sometimes I can be a real attention slut, but when I'm slutting for attention I'm always in control of the whole thing. Showing up to my Senior Prom with my boyfriend will definitely mean we'll get noticed and I'm nervous about what kind of attention we'll draw. And there's that whole thing about not being able to control things.

There will be 4 other same-sex couples there. I've been very active in our school's Gay/Straight Alliance club and we've all been talking about it for the past several months. Should we all stick together and not really blend in? Or, should we just show up and mix in with everybody else? What if we get harassed? Is that going to ruin what this is suppose to mean for me and us?

So, here's where I am at this moment in time (subject to change without warning every 5 seconds): I am not in the closet at school. I have no intention of going back in to please other people and deny who I am. I am part of this class. This is my high school too. And enless everybody agrees to go with a brown paper bag over their head, then I'm going as who I am and a big part of  my life right now is my boyfriend Matt. I have as much right to go with my date as any other classmate.

I want to celebrate and share this special evening with the person who means the world to me. I want to show off Matt. I have NO apologies for that. I want to dance with him, introduce him to some friends who've not met him yet. I want to feel his strength and courage by my side. I want Matt there for me. I mean, graduating from high shcool is huge for me. I want him to be proud of me.

Before I close, I also have to admit that I'm really embarassed and ashamed for being a wuss about all this. I came out when I was 15 and now I'm 18. I feel like I should be over all this worrying by now. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Am I ashamed about being gay? I don't think so, but yet....

I have to decide by Monday, that's when the final list is made of who can officially come. Am I going? Matt said he would be honored and would feel special to be my date. He also said that this is my Prom and whatever I decide he will be proud of me. He said it won't change anything he feels about me. I've got his total support. And you know what, I totally believe him.

So, here's the deal. I've reread everything I wrote above about 10 times. Matt and I talked about it a long time last night. So, guess what? I'm going to my high school Prom with Matt. Am I excited? You can't imagine how excited I'm feeling right now. Am I nervous? Yes. I think that's understandable. Can I change my mind? Of course. But there's one thing I don't want to happen. I don't want to look back on this whole thing and say I compromised my integrity, my dignity and my courage. That, my friends, is a price I am not willing to pay.

Meeting Brad, part 2

 The party began at 3:00 in the afternoon and the boy Tyler had invited to our party arrived with this girl at about 3:30. I knew almost everybody among the 20 or so other people there, but who was that beautiful boy who just walked in? And was that his girlfriend with him?

Tyler and I were deciding what music to put on next, and I stopped cold in my tracks and just stared at this boy. Tyler looked at me, waved his hand in front of my face and said, "Matt?" I just kept looking at the boy and said, "Who's that guy?" Tyler looked and just said, "Oh, we work together at the grocery store." I was about to ask another question, but Tyler knew my question and answered it before I asked. "Yes, he's gay and he's out." All I said was, "Introduce me."

Tyler took me over, introduced me first to the girl he was with. I didn't seem to catch her name. Then he said, "Brad, this is Matt, my identical twin I was telling you about." The only imaginative and witty thing I could muster was, "How's it going?" (Gee, very original, right?!) We shook hands and he was staring directly into my eyes and held the stare for what seemed like 2 minutes! It was actually a little unnerving. I mean, neither one of us wanted to stop holding hands (uh, we were shaking hands, right?). There was nothing shy about that stare since it was coupled with the most innocent and angelic smile I've ever seen. I think I was on the verge of getting lightheaded when all he said was, "I'm good, thanks." Pause. Two beats. "Nice to meet you."


I think I forgot to breath for a few seconds, and wanting some air, asked him if he wanted a Coke and go out on the deck. All he said was, "Sure. I'll meet you out there." But neither of us budged. He looked down at our hands, still in the grip of a "handshake", then looked back up and smiled. I cleared my throat, unloosed our clasp, smiled, turned red, and said, "Yeah. Okay. I'll be out in a sec." He smiled and just said, "Cool."


When I came back, we made lots of small talk. He was asking about my work, and lots of other stuff. I don't know what got into me, but I swear it was like I was in a blackout or something. He was actually in the middle of a story or something and I couldn't take in anything he was saying. So, what does Mr. All-Smooth-and-Collected me do but jump right into his story and ask him if he's dating anybody (God, I can't believe I actually did that! He's gonna think I'm some kind of rude creep or something). He just stops and gets this huge grin on his face. Pause. Two beats. "Actually, no." He tilts his head to the side as if to say, "Well, are you gonna continue?" So, Mr. Suave here just says, "Would you like ... I mean would you  be interested in going to a movie next weekend?"


Then -- and here I'm thinking he's enjoying this -- he smiles and says, "Well. Give me about one minute to think about it." He keeps looking into my eyes and I notice he has a little eye-liner on. God what beautiful eyes. Pause. Five beats. Then, "Yeah. Definitely. Definitely I'd like to." All I could say was, "Okay. Cool." He gives me his number and about that time there's a huge crack of thunder. He takes his eyes off me, has this little scared kid look and actually, I swear to Holy God, startles and falls into my arms! He says, "Take me inside", or something like that.


We hang out together during the party and when he and the girl (I still can't remember her name) he came with leave, I walk out with them. I open his door and he gets in. Rolls down the window and just says, "You gonna call me, right?" I say, "Don't doubt it." They drive off and Tyler's standing at the door and yells, "Hey, Matt! You gonna get your butt in here and help me clean up?"


When I get inside, he looks at me and says, "Well, I do think you found your 'First Thing Next'." He smiled and we hugged. Indeed. A boy named Brad.

Meeting Brad, part 1

Ever since I came out as gay at age 16 I've wanted a boyfriend. No, that's not exactly right. I knew I was gay before I came out to my family and friends and remember wanting a boyfriend when I was 15 (or was it 14?).

Since I'm 18 now (almost 19) I've had a lot of time to think about what kind of boyfriend I wanted. In my mid-teens I think it was more the "idea" of having a boyfriend that was appealing. I had crushes on lots of different boys -- movie star boys, boys I made up in my day dreams (and night dreams), boys in my class at school and boys I would see at the mall, the ice cream shop, McDonald's, you name it! When my eyes were open, they were scanning.
Sometimes at night I would close my eyes, pick a boy I thought was cute, and imagine us holding hands, kissing, going to the beach, listening to music, going to the movies, laughing. These imaginary boyfriends in my mind could change in a split second and I'd be onto the next one. Sometimes they had blond hair and other times they had brown hair. Different eye colors, too. Some tall, some my height.
There was something really exciting about the whole thing. Whatever I made up in my mind belonged to just me. Nobody could make fun of me, nobody could call me a sissy, a fag, a queer. It was the most normal thing in the world and I loved it. Sometimes in my dreams I would let other people in and they would be happy for me and my boyfriend. Having a boyfriend was the easiest thing in the world.
When I hit 17, I no longer wanted a "pretend" boyfriend. I wanted to get serious about the whole thing and actually had my eyes on a couple of boys in high school. I had a hard crush on one who was totally straight, so I knew that would go nowhere. The other boy was gay and we had winked at each other in passing and even talked some after school. He was so totally shy and I couldn't tell whether he was interested or not. I mean, I sorta felt the same way too. Like how do you learn as a gay boy how to flirt with another boy? Did you go about it the same way straight kids did? So, how could I get my hands on some manual or book on, The Gay Teen Boy's Step-by-Step Guide to Flirting and Dating? They didn't have that one in my school library!
When I came out to my mom at 16, one of the things I remember her saying was, "Matty, one day you're going to meet the man of your dreams (how did she know about those day and night dreams of mine?!? Yikes). Until then just take all the time you need learning about yourself. When you meet someone to date, just be yourself. Don't try to be someone you're not. And don't ever pressure yourself or be pressured to settle for less than you deserve."
So, I tried to just put those raging hormones on a lower level (easier said than done!) and began to think about who I was and what I wanted.
Now, fast forward to age eighteen. My best friend in the world has always been Tyler (and for the record, he's straight). We practically grew up together and we're the same age. Our birthdays are just a week apart and we had a long standing tradition of celebrating our birthdays in the middle of that week and we were now both turning 18.
I know it probably sounds silly, but we've always had a theme for the party, and this year we decided on, First Things Next. I mean, eighteen felt like a huge deal and we wanted to be thinking about some of the "first things" that were important to us at this big "rite of passage" birthday. Eighteen felt more "grownup" than 16 or 17.
Tyler and I had been working on a list of people we wanted to invite. It’s amazing how our minds work because we picked almost the same people to invite. I don’t know how he did it, however, but he invited one person he hadn’t consulted me about and managed to keep it a secret.
Little did I know I'd be meeting one of the "first things next" at this party!
Tune in tomorrow (Meeting Brad, part 2) for what happens next.