I've been thinking a lot lately about first loves. Matt and I have been together almost a year now and I gotta say there's nothing happening in our relationship that makes me think this won't last.
But, I keep hearing things from friends and sometimes I read stuff like, "Well, you know, first loves are really, really wonderful and exciting, but they don't usually last." Last week a friend of mine (I'll call him Downer) said he never knew of a first relationship that survived long-term. He said the younger you are when you fall in love, the less chance there is of that first love lasting.
Downer's reasoning (or maybe it was based on his own experience) is that when you're young and fall in love the first time you really don't have the kind of life experience (I think he called it "maturity") to know how to make things last. "And," he said, "if you're young you are gonna want to get as much experience as possible to see what's out there."
Well, I got to thinking, does he have a point?
Matt and I have been together for just under a year now but what if we're just kidding ourselves in the long run? I mean, neither of us has dated anybody else. How can anybody know with certainty that this thing's going to last?
Sometimes we comment about a hot guy we see on TV, a movie, walking down the street, driving around, etc. We check other guys out when we're together and compare notes. Neither of us does it to make the other jealous. I mean, it's just normal to see a hot guy (they're out there, right?) and say, "Hey, check out that guy." For us boy watching is just, I don't know, innocent fun. We have similar tastes in guys a lot of the time, but sometimes we don't.
I think Downer's perspective is that if you still have raging hormones, you owe it to yourself to give in to them and screw everything in sight. Kinda like sowing your wild oats before you're "mature" enough to settle down.
Personally, I think that's a crock of shit. Sure, I have raging hormones, okay? I admit it. I mean I feel horny like about 23 hours a day! Sometimes I feel like I want to have sex of some kind every hour on the hour!! Seriously.
Since meeting Matt, sex has been on my mind a lot. So what? Nothing wrong with that. It's what you do with those hormones that matters. I can't imagine saying to Matt, "Hey, you know I love you and like how we're building this life together, but, uh, I hope you understand that I need to go sleep with lots of guys, kiss a lot of frogs, maybe, just to really, really make sure what we have is real."
Personally, I think that's a crock of shit. Sure, I have raging hormones, okay? I admit it. I mean I feel horny like about 23 hours a day! Sometimes I feel like I want to have sex of some kind every hour on the hour!! Seriously.
Since meeting Matt, sex has been on my mind a lot. So what? Nothing wrong with that. It's what you do with those hormones that matters. I can't imagine saying to Matt, "Hey, you know I love you and like how we're building this life together, but, uh, I hope you understand that I need to go sleep with lots of guys, kiss a lot of frogs, maybe, just to really, really make sure what we have is real."
Am I missing something here?
I always find First Love interesting, because I'm also still together with my first love :) We became a couple when we were 16 and we are almost 4 years together now. I think it's possible to stay together with your first love, I even know about a married couple with kids who were each others first love. I think what is important is how you handle it that you don't have experience with a lot of different people.. I also still like to watch, but I want my cuddles from only my boyfriend :P
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with 'Downer'. Its all depend for every individuals. My friends are so young(both 14) and they have been together for couples of months now (bestfriends for 3 years) but they already made decisions and sacrificed something in their life, not even mature people would do it willingly, just to be together.
ReplyDeleteWe don't know what future have for us. Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. Just do what you want to do. This is your life and your relationship. Everyone have their own opinion but only yours and your love one opinion that really matters. I always wish you all the best.
xox
Brad,
ReplyDeleteI met my husband when I was in high school. He was my first serious boyfriend, but I knew there was something special about him.
Next month, we will have been married for 22 years. Do I ever wish I had been able to indulge in a wild phase? Sometimes, yes. It is normal to wonder about the other paths your life could have gone.
Did I miss some fun in my twenties? Sure. But I also missed a lot of heartache, and knowing I had that special person there by my side meant the world to me.
No matter what the future holds for you and Matt, don't let it be influenced by others ideas of what they think should happen or the life experiences they think you need.
Your relationship is about you and Matt, and letting it grow and develop in the way that feels right for the both of you.
That would be a big no, you're not missing something there. Three of my life-long best friends have remained solid in their respective relationships for decades. Two of them married their high school sweethearts - they're both going on 30 years. One of them, my then boyfriend and I set up as a "hey, maybe your friend and my friend will hit it off, he'll move in too, and voila! cheaper rent!" 25+ years later they're still voila. They finally got married after 18 years together.
ReplyDeleteSure, age can play a part, but it isn't the be all end all. Age is a matter of mind, maturity has its own individual pace. Some of us are there faster than others. Some of us have wisdom beyond our years. Some of us are just meant to be together.
So, let the naysayer's babble go in one ear and out the other without stopping. Know that you are strong, you have something strong - and someone you love who loves you back. Is there really anything better than that? Not in my opinion.
And just one more thing (I have to stop babbling and get to work *g*), just the fact that you two are sitting down and really "talking" with each other, truly making an effort to make it work, well... that says it all right there. :-)
Wow, Lucia, it's helps a lot to hear that others who fell in love at a young age are still together. I feel the same way about wanting my "cuddles" from just Matty.
ReplyDeleteAryan801chan... I agree that it all depends on the individual. I hate it when people make these broad, general statements that imply EVERYBODY fits in the statement. Yeah, why can't we just look at how each individual relationship works instead of these ridiculous blanket assumptions!
Debbie, I love your sentence: "No matter what the future holds for you and Matt, don't let it be influenced by others ideas of what they think should happen or the life experiences they think you need." Right on!!
L.C., man, I love that sentence of yours: "Sure, age can play a part, but it isn't the be all end all. Age is a matter of mind, maturity has its own individual pace. Some of us are there faster than others. Some of us have wisdom beyond our years. Some of us are just meant to be together."
You two, imho, show an exceptional degree of maturity for your ages. What Debbie & L.C. said is very true. There are only 2 opinions that matter, yours & Matt's. If 2 people are right for each other, it doesn't matter if they meet at 17, 37 or 107! Sometimes I think the growing and maturing together only makes the bond stronger. As for the wild oats? You are only missing something if YOU feel you are...do either of you feel resentful of the other because you aren't out there sleeping with those other guys? No, I didn't think so. Are you happy to be together whether you are at home or out, reading or watching TV or shopping or writing a blog or well, you know? I'd bet money the answer is yes. Don't listen to Downer or even any of us here really. Listen to your own hearts and spirits,...you already know the answer.
ReplyDeleteI have friends who started dating during high school and they're still together 20 years later. When you love the heart isn't looking at age or amount of experience. It just loves.
ReplyDeleteI've been married for 10 years and we both still look at eye candy and make comments to each other. We have even pointed them out to each other. We figure if they were put there in front of us it would be rude not to look.
I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 21. We dated for 6 months, broke up and moved on with our lives. Both of us married, and divorced, other people. We ran into each other 7 years later, began dating again and will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in June.
ReplyDeleteAt the time we first dated, there was a lot of outside pressure from family members because of our age difference. We both grew up and had different life experiences while we were apart but I don't think one needs to go through all of that separately. Love each other, allow the other to grow, communicate and know that what you share is so much more precious than meaningless encounters.
Would my husband and I still be together if we hadn't had that time apart? I don't know. I do know that we have a long and shared history that is more important than anything we did while we weren't together.
Best of luck to you guys!
Don't listen to anyone but yourselves. You will find as you grow older and wiser that there are people out there that want to pop everyone's balloon. They enjoy others sadness and disappointment in someway it elevates them. So first lesson close your ears to those types. Secondly I'm married to my first love for 45 years, yep I'm an old timer. I was 20 when I met him. Is it easy ?No not always but I can give the benefit of my years and I wish someone would have told me this all those years ago. Don't worry about the small stuff,put your partner first, don't try to be RIGHT, it's really not important, just love each other and don't let family(especially family) or friends come between you. And as far as looking at cute guys,Ha I still look and I'm 67 woman.My heart is with you both.
ReplyDeleteJeez you scared me for a minute there! I nearly started screaming! Crock of shit is true and thank God you think so. My parents met in high school and got married a week after they graduated. My grandparents were 20. I know people who've been together with their firsts for years. Jazz is my first and we have plans to make it work. No time limits, no wishes. It's just going to work because we'll work at it. I think it makes all the difference when the one you love is also your greatest friend. I think you've got that with Matt no problem!
ReplyDeleteYou're not missing out on anything, Brad. "Maturity" has less to do with age than with the individual. Just because you hit a certain number doesn't mean you're suddenly mature enough to handle relationships. Just look at the very public train wrecks the media decides to feed us.
ReplyDeleteI am Spouse's first love. I was 19 when we married, and we're celebrating 22 years next month. I'll probably only give him another 50 years or so before I decide if he's the one.
There's a big difference between "don't" and "can't". Just because a lot of relationships don't make it doesn't mean that they can't.
In the end, it comes down to two things: You and Matt. That's all that matters, and everyone else, while well-meaning, is really just offering opinions.
Love isn't a pair of designer jeans that goes out of style, it's your favorite pair of comfortably faded, washed till they're soft, skin you live in, jeans.
ReplyDeleteCherish it and it will be yours, neglect it and it'll be at the Good Will waiting for someone else to come along and see the value.
Sometimes first love comes when you're young and it lasts forever- I just read an article about a couple celebrating 85 years together. That could be you, in 84 years.
No one can predict how a relationship will turn out. There are too many factors involved. Age is just one of them. Yes, you are young. Yes, you have a lot of life to experience. There isn't a rule that says you two can't experience all that together. Ignore the downers. They aren't "in" your relationship, so their opinions don't matter.
ReplyDeleteLet's be blunt. Statistically, your friend is right. A good majority of first relationships do not work out, and I know this from personal experience.
ReplyDeleteHowever, reading the comments be your friends above, you should come to the conclusion that statistics don't mean shit. From what I have read over the past week,you and Matt are really happy right now. Don't overanalyze it. I'd like to believe that when you meet someone you work with, you will be together for a long, long time. Whether that person was the first person you went out with, or the 5th, it shouldn't matter.
Furthermore, your "friend" is entitled for to his opinion, and I don't know if he was intentionally bashing your relationship, or if there was a malfunction in his early psychosexual development (if you believe in that theory).
Keep going strong, and as always, good luck Matt and Brad.
-Cole
I think LC and Xara, and, heck, everyone else, already put into words most of what I would have said. As far as looking at other people, that's totally natural. I've been with my husband nearly 6 years and I do it. He does it. You already know, there is a huge difference between looking at someone and finding them attractive and actually acting on those feelings. You're in a relationship, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate someone else's beauty, you know?
ReplyDeleteAnd I think Xara said it perfectly, there is a colossal difference between “can’t” and “don’t.” Whether or not most first loves make it is beside the point, because it doesn’t have anything to do with you and Matt and whether or not *your* relationship will last. The advice people give you is probably going to be well-meant, but, honestly, the only opinions that matter in regards to your relationship are yours and Matt’s. No one can tell you that you guys can’t make it, or that you should be out there “sowing your wild oats” because otherwise how will you really *know* if you belong together. In my opinion, sleeping with a bunch of people wouldn’t answer that question for you anyway, nor would it affect your maturity and ability to maintain a healthy relationship. Casual sex, one night stands, yeah, that stuff can be fun. But, at the end of the day, would you rather have that or would you rather be with the person you love, the person you want to build a life with? You already know the answer. So, no, you’re not missing anything. And, yes, your friend’s perspective on life/hormones/relationships *is* a crock. As you can tell from the other comments, first loves can and do last. Never let anyone else’s opinion make you doubt your relationship. :)
Like some others here I married young. I unfortunately picked the wrong man when I was young and ended up with a wonderful son from it. He was only 6 months when I met my husband. Hubby and I were both 18. In 6 months just before my son turned 1 we were married. Both of us 19 with a baby. I was my hubby's first. Today is our 20th anniversary. Young love can last or it can die. It's really up to the two of you. Hubby and I overcame a lot to see 20 years together and it was worth every moment of heartache and turmoil. Don't let the negative of statistics and others drive in a wedge of doubt. Life changes and trouble comes but it's easier with those you love:)
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with being young and in love--and as you can see by reading the comments, first loves can and do stay together. I have a friend who met her first love when she was 16, she is still with him 34 years later.
ReplyDeleteLove is unique, just like the individuals who share it. Enjoy yours, and work on your relationship with Matt and see where you end up.
@TJ--Happy Anniversary!
Brad,
ReplyDeleteI met my husband when I was 21 and he was my first real love. Two kids and many years later we are still married. One thing that you will learn with "maturity" is that love doesn't follow a set of rules. Love is Love and it is what you make it. Live for today, and the rest will come. For what it's worth, I can tell you two have something special.
The heart wants what the heart wants period. I married my high school sweetheart and will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Just remember that this is your truth now. Love is work. Sometimes really, really hard work. And, if you want your relationship to last you have to put in that work through the good and bad. I think sometimes people forget that and just say, "Screw it this is too hard." And, they dump whoever they're with to move on to something new. It won't always be easy. But, just remember, anything worth having hardly ever is. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteWOW, I mean, I'm gonna have to print this page of comments out and study every one for the next week or two. There is so much wisdom here! You guys are TOTALLY AWESOME! I wish every single young couple (gay, straight, bi, whatever....) could read everything everybody's written.
ReplyDeleteYeah, relationships are work -- I'm talking about the serious ones. I mean, I'm learning that love is not JUST a feeling you have. There's a lot of talking involved, and honesty and working through the good stuff and the hard stuff.
Man, reading all this feels like I'm getting a college education on "How Serious Love Relationships Work."
I love you guys. I really mean it. I know Matt and I keep saying it, but we are so lucky to know all of you. I feel the comments here are so real and based on life experience. I think I'm gonna end up with so much wisdom it's gonna be overflowing. Thank you is all I can say!
OH, I forgot to mention it. Remember the post on April 9 about going to my high school Prom? Well, it's official! Matt and I are now on the "official" list of attendees!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYIPPIE! {jumping up and down with a HUGE grin on my face}
I'm with Cole. What happens in your relationship depends on what you guys do with it and how you treat each other.
ReplyDeleteNothing is determined for you by the statistics about other peoples' relationships.
YAY! Prom's going to be awesome, Brad! I know you and Matt will have a great time :)
ReplyDeleteIf I could give you guys one important piece of advice, it would be 'don't listen to other people'. If I had a dollar for every person who wagered that my husband and I wouldn't last I'd be a millionaire right now. All you can do is hang in there, be open and honest with each other as your relationship grows and changes with time, and see what works for you guys.
ReplyDeleteMy "first love" IS my LOVE...we have been together 22 years in September, and I was 20 when we started seeing each other. He was actually the second person I ever dated and the ONLY person I have ever been with. We had so-called friends that thought (and told us) we would never last. And you know what? We never let anyone tell us who we could become to each other. We never had a wedding but we have a marriage and it is as real and fresh and exciting today as it was the first day. The only advice I have for both of you is to trust your feelings for each other. I don't believe you have to be "mature" or a certain age to fall in love and stay in love.
ReplyDeletePeople are different and some, like your downer friend, cannot conceive that the way they view the world is NOT the only way. I was a vagabond traveler who married at 30 (happily now for 13 years), and my best friend married at 19 (happily now for 28 years). There is no 'one way' to live this life.
ReplyDeleteIn an interview with Glen Senk, CEO of Urban Outfitters, and Keith Johnson, head buyer of Anthropologie, Glen Senk described how, when he was 10, he moved next door to Keith's family.
“I fell in love with him the first time I saw him,” said Mr. Senk with a smile. “I really did. It took him a bit longer.”
“Definitely by the seventh grade,” they said, laughing.
They've been together ever since and life partners for the last 33 years.
Be true to yourselves. All the best!
Young love can last if it's meant to be. Hubby and I started dating in high school. We've been together 21 years. I also believe you do know when you've met 'the one'. I knew it when I met hubby. I can vividly remember thinking 'wow' after I met him. Couldn't put my finger on what was so special about him, just that he was special.
ReplyDeleteOf course, young love doesn't always last. Some people want to date around, experience the excitement of a new relationship then the break-up drama over and over, whereas others are more the long-term type. Everyone's different. What's important is that you do what feels right in your relationship.
And yay! on prom!!
Have you heard "misery loves company"? I think that would be Downer.
ReplyDeleteI have several friends that married childhood sweethearts and are still going strong...and those marriages are 20 years strong. :)
Sure, relationships take work, lots of work. You have to make conscious decisions to make things work, and when you love someone you want to do the work. It doesn't just happen.
You two have something special...listen to your hearts, and only yours. Best wishes to you both!
OH! So excited that you're "officially" on the list for the Prom. Yay!!
I probably shouldn't comment as I've yet to fall in love, but...I think you can't predict love...or relationships. Best wishes to you both - and I hope you have a fantastic prom!
ReplyDeleteI'm no expert but my husband and I have been together 22yrs. i met him when i was 17 and he was my first kiss, first love, my first everything. we are still together now and i can't imagine being with anyone else.I mean we both still look but i think that is natural people tend to look at things they find beautiful but we have never been tempted and have never wanted to be apart. The only man that has ever stolen my heart from my husband has been my son he is the one exception in my life. he can steal my attention from hubby in an instance.so personally for me i feel first loves can last and do last i am very sure i will continue to grow old with my first love right beside me.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with "Downer" either. My husband and I met when we were were 18 and married 4 1/2 months after we met. We will have been married for 24 years on the 24th of this April. Each couple is different and you can't base your relationship on anyone else. Good luck to you guys and keep loving each other<3
ReplyDeleteWow, lots of awesome relationship stories!! I too am married to my high school sweetheart, first real love, all that, we've been together for half my life, that's so bizarre to say! So I guess what I'm saying is- it is possible and no it's not easy, but nothing worth living is ever easy. Sacrifices are made so your loved one can pursue his dreams and you grow up together. Think of all the memories!!
ReplyDeleteAnd yippppeeee for prom, can't wait to hear all about it!
My husband and I met and started dating at 16. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship before (I had a few casual dates, he had no experience). We dated exclusively for about 8 years until we got married and will celebrating our 15 year anniversary this fall. This summer will be 23 years together! So yes, as others have said, first loves can last!
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are saying about the negative reactions others can have. Neither of our parents were particularly thrilled that we were so committed to each other so young. They really wanted us to date around and experience being with other people. But honestly, the idea of breaking up just so we could date others when neither of us really wanted to seemed silly.
In hindsight it is sometimes hard to believe we fell in love so young. Not just first loves, but at quite a young age. But as they say, "the heart wants what the heart wants".
Good luck to you both. I am enjoying reading your blog and hearing about your relationship. Have fun at prom!
I have soo much catching up to do!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to both of you
S.Lra aka Michael M
Sharita (S.Lra aka Michael M), thank you so much for your comment and interest. Hope you enjoy what's here. It's really been a labor of love!
ReplyDeleteMatt
Bother - first post disappeared because I wasn't logged into Wordpress. Let's try this again. I'll start by saying I haven't read any of the comments above, so if this is duplicate of what someone else said, I apologize.
ReplyDeleteI always knew exactly what I wanted in my match, right from the start. The problem with first loves is that both of you don't necessarily know what you want or what you want doesn't mesh, and thus it doesn't work out. That said, if both of you know what you want, AND you meet each other at the right time, AND what you want meshes with each other, then it CAN work. It's the fact that most of these things don't fall into place that keeps first loves from working out most of the time.
More importantly, it's the two of you who can make it work, if that's who you are and that's what you want.
Best wishes to you both. --Adara. =)
Hi Adara,
ReplyDeleteI like what you said in summary: "More importantly, it's the two of you who can make it work, if that's who you are and that's what you want."
Glad you took the time to post!
My parents met at 14 and stayed together so i know its possible. My daughter has been with her boyfriend since 9th grade (in 11th now) and its been the only relationahip for the two of them. Don't let anyone tell you that it won't last...the only opinions that matter belong to the two if you.
ReplyDeleteSusan xoxo
I came across this blog post and comments while combing the Internet looking for something to reaffirm my belief that my boyfriend and I can make it even though we're only eighteen. I have never felt so much hope before in my life. We've been dating for a year now, and this is the first love for both of us...even though I'm now away at college and a substantial difference separates us, we've decided that this relationship is worth the stress of long distance. It's always bothered me that people say we need to date others, or that they give me the patronizing look that says I have so much to learn. I do have a lot to learn at this age, but I want to learn it with just one person throughout it all. Thank you for showing me that I'm not crazy for believing in this.
ReplyDeleteHi FantasyFan5.... Glad you left this comment. Sometimes Brad and I have to remember that there are certainly no guarantees to anything. But, all we have to do is concentrate on the present. Anytime we start trying to speed through what the next 10 or 20 or 30 years might looks like, it drives us crazy. I agree with you about how you're handling comments from other people. I mean, it's good to hear any feedback from others, but ultimately you have to keep your eyes open about life and do what you trust inside you. Anyway, glad you left this comment and hope you'll leave others when you feel like you have something to say. You sound really cool! Take care.
ReplyDelete