Monday, September 29, 2014

Delay

We're down but not out. 
Hopefully we should be up and running 
on all cylinders by tomorrow. 

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Sundays with Sam

Hello everyone. This is Brad. 

Matty and I are having tons of problems with the devices we use. One died when Matty sat on it (long story), and the laptop is freezing and Matty's brother says it's probably due to die about now anyway, but he's looking at it.

I'm posting this from a friend's system, but we have limited access to online right now. If you've sent us emails or posted here on the blog or other platforms where we go sometimes, we won't be able to interact until we get things running again.

Sam said to say hello to everyone and he's doing fine, and promises a thorough catch-up next Sunday.

We're not sure when we'll be back online, but we're hoping it'll be shortly. In the meantime, thanks for your patience. Talk to you soon!

Love and hugs.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Trying

The past couple of days have been bad. Really bad. Not just the normal "bad days" everybody has occasionally where there's lots of stress and we try to navigate through them the best we can and hope for the best. I'm talking about Dark Bad Days.

Whenever I let myself down big-time, I go through these periods when I hate myself. It's a dark place to spend time and it's a hard place to get myself out of.

I've always tried to be aware of never using my ADHD as an excuse for anything. I try to remember that it's an explanation for why I sometimes have bad days and not use it as an excuse.

Don't get me wrong. The vast majority of my days are fine. I have the usual stressors and challenges. And I manage to organize myself to meet those challenges and I do a pretty good job of stepping up to the plate and doing what needs to be done.

But when I'm in a situation where I'm experiencing extremely intense emotions, I go into a zone that is not good. It's awful and dark and I feel lost and confused and overwhelmed.

I'm a member of some ADHD support groups on Facebook. One of the groups has a psychologist moderator and people were talking about this very topic recently. Some research was cited and this paragraph really hit home with me:

"Nearly everyone with ADHD answers an emphatic yes to the question: 'Have you always been more sensitive than others to rejection, teasing, criticism, or your own perception that you have failed or fallen short?' This is the definition of a condition called rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD), which many ADDers experience."

For me, I can handle teasing and most types of criticism without a whole lot of difficulty. I enjoy teasing and being teased and can tell the difference between "playful teasing" and the type of teasing that's meant to cause hurt and pain. It's pretty easy for me to walk away from the teasing that's meant to cause hurt and pain. I can just consider the source and I rarely let it get to my core.

The same with criticism. I can handle criticism that comes from someone who cares about me. It might sting at first, but I don't immediately go into self-hate. I can keep my head above water and sort through it without a whole lot of difficulty.

But when there's some issue that triggers me back to some highly-charged issue from my childhood, for example, I can easily get overwhelmed emotionally and start spinning out of control. That's the part of that research paragraph I mentioned earlier that cites "...or your own perception that you have failed or fallen short."

I can give you an example. You may be sick of hearing me talk about how hard it was for me as a child to keep friends. I rarely had major problems making friends, but as soon as my ADHD kicked in, I could be annoying as hell and kids wanted nothing to do with me. So naturally I tried harder to get them back, and when I would try harder and all the energy in the "H" part of my ADHD spiraled out of control, kids really didn't want to be around me.

And I internalized all this into self-hate because I concluded that something was really messed up with me and I didn't know how to fix it. I felt broken and like I was damaged goods. And other kids had no hesitation in labeling me as "screwed up" and other lovely labels. So I started feeling I was messed up inside because I had no clue how to keep friends. Thus (to use the quote above) my perception that I failed and kept falling short.

So now when I feel like a friend is moving away from me, I try to figure out why and what I did to make it happen. Sometimes I discuss it with the friend -- sometimes I'm embarrassed to bring it up, maybe for fear that I'm going to hear that I'm just too much for them. Now we're back to my childhood.

For some stupid reason, I can start spiraling out of control emotionally when I feel like I'm losing a friend. Even with the help of a trusted friend who tries to help me sort through things rationally, if I cross some invisible line and start feeling intensely emotional about the whole thing, I keep digging myself deeper and deeper and before long I feel like I'm at risk of losing my trusted friend who is only trying to help me. It feels like I'm a little five-year-old kid who is having a tantrum and can't even think rationally. It's all emotion -- ugly emotion -- and it's an UGLY picture.

So why am I talking about this today? Because when I try and sort through all this in my head, I can miss stuff. And I can go off into a million directions. Putting in down in writing makes me organize my thoughts so I have something to work with. And writing about this now has helped me.

So, once again (I've been through this a million times already), I'm going to try and do what that sign up there says: The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore."

The only change to the quote I feel I need to make is this: "...and I'm going to keep trying not to let myself pull me down anymore."

I guess that's all I can do. Keep trying. I'm trying to stay optimistic about my chances, but I'd by lying if I say I'm sure I can pull this off. I'm not sure, actually. But... I'm not giving up and I'm going to keep trying. And I guess for now that will have to do.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Trying to see more of Me

I had a new insight after my post on Monday. One I was totally not expecting to have. And I'm still trying to adjust to.

So the insight is this. I wanted my post on Monday (the one about taking care of Matty while he was sick) to be humorous. Not that I saw any humor in Matty being sick, but just the humor I saw in how he copes with being sick.

And to be honest, I had some fun writing it up. I even giggled to myself a couple of times while I was writing it.

So when I got it all written up and scheduled it to be posted on Monday, I honestly held my breath wondering if anybody would see what I wrote as humorous. And then when the comments started coming in, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief because everyone saw the humor and even seemed to enjoy it. And I got a few emails from people saying how much they enjoyed my humor.

I guess my insight is that I don't normally think of myself as a humorous person, and maybe I am. It's just not a word I would use to describe myself. So I'm trying to see that maybe I do have a humorous side.

Normally I see myself as a serious person, almost brooding at times. And anxious. And I'm wondering if some of the recent changes in my life are allowing me to see "more" of who I am, or if maybe I'm allowing myself to develop parts of me that have been dormant for a long time.

I'm liking how my Dad and I are spending time together and how he seems to be making the effort to get to know me now after all these years. And I'm liking how my work is going and how Chef has taken an interest in me and seems to believe I can do something in the culinary field.

So maybe I'm feeling free to see more of "Me." Like, not just the Serious side of me, or the Moody side of me, or the Anxious side of me, but now the "Humorous" side of me, too.

I don't know if all this makes any sense, but I'm going to play around with this idea and see if I can develop and clarify it some more.

And, um, maybe write a few more humorous posts! And with material like Matty to work with, I shouldn't run out topics! LOL
Emoji

Monday, September 22, 2014

The perfect prescription

Matty and I both want to say thank you so much for all the get well wishes we've gotten. It looks like we're both on the mend now and I'm so glad about that.

I have to say Matty had the worse of whatever it was we got. Actually I think mine was probably allergies, and was more on the mild side. This allowed me to play Nurse Bradley to Patient Matty. LOL 
Or rather, "Impatient Matty." Emoji
I say that in all good humor, which Matty can see now! LOL Mary sent him that sign you see at the top and man, does that fit perfectly.

Matty is very open about how much he whines and moans and begs to be waited on when he's sick. I've learned it's just one of the symptoms of Man Flu, or Matty Flu. I asked his mom one time what he was like as a kid whenever he got sick and she confirmed that you will never hear the end of whining and moaning until he starts feeling better. 

"Oh man."

"Oooooooooooooh man."

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunh."

"I feeeeeeeel sooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaad."

His man flu vocabulary takes a little getting use to at first, but Nurse Bradley has learned to translate this from Man Flu vocabulary to Proper English vocabulary:

"Oh man" = "I'm just starting to feel bad. This is not good."

"Ooooooooooh man" = "Please do something."

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunh" = "It's getting worse. I'm all achy. I can't get comfortable."

"I feeeeeeeel sooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaad" = "Nothing is working. I'm going to die."

And Nurse Bradley has learned that wrapping him in blankets, letting him moan and whine, gently rubbing and scratching his scalp, letting him whine and moan, keeping him hydrated with ginger ale (not Sprite or 7-UP, he let me know!), serving him vanilla bean ice cream, letting him whine and moan, serving him my special homemade chicken soup, checking on him every 15 to 30 minutes, oh, and letting him moan and whine, always does the trick! Or at least makes him feel better while his body does it's thing to fight the bug.

It's also one of the very few times I get to see him slow down. He's always on the go and into just about everything, but when he's sick he hardly moves. It's such a contrast to his usual bouncy self and the first time I ever saw this, it was a little disconcerting. I like my Matty bouncy, and the first time he was immobilized like this, it made me kind of anxious and I stayed right by his side with my phone close at hand to call 9-1-1 if needed. 

And before I learned how to take care of my patient (or impatient), I waited on him hand and foot. If you think Florence Nightingale was a saint, I put her to shame! LOL

I've now discovered that his whining and moaning somehow makes him feel better. I watch him when he's making all those sounds and after a minute or so of it, he actually looks calmer. Maybe I need to write an article for a medical journal to share this technique in palliative care!

He also actually takes naps when he's sick. And Matty never, never, never, ever takes naps during the day. Like never. He said he's always afraid he'll miss something if he takes a nap during the day. But when he's sick, he'll drift off for a period of time. If he's napping on the sofa, I've even put a small clock close to his head and taken a picture of him to prove this actually happens. He always denies he was napping. I think he denies this on some kind of Matty Principle. I play along and just smile and assure him he was probably just resting his eyes. LOL

Anyway, he's back among the living and he said to tell all of you everything I just shared is a complete lie and exaggeration. So there, I've said it.

But I will say My Matty was genuinely sick. Just don't tell him Nurse Bradley diagnosed a case of Man Flu. That diagnosis helps Nurse Bradley know just what the doctor ordered. A prescription of 100 mg. of whining, 500 mg. of moaning, bowls of vanilla bean ice cream, a good supply of ginger ale, plenty of blankets, homemade soup on demand, some scalp rubbing, and a very, very patient Nurse Bradley always does the trick. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Sundays with Sam: Thank you for caring

Hi! This is Sam-I-Am-Trying-to-Be-Strong! Wow that was a mouthful! I will explain things better in a minute, but let me first say Happy Sunday to every one.

So I was going to write about this last Sunday but I needed to tell you about what it was like saying Good Bye to my room at Brad and Matty's. For some reason it just felt important to write about that and I really appreciated all your comments. All of you were totally right because the guys told me it would always be Sam's Room if I ever needed it. They even said if I just wanted to take a break from where I'm living now and have a little "mini vacation" that would be cool with them.

So today I wanted to share with you some thing that happened two weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it. It is some thing I have shared with Rick, my BOYFRIEND, and he is very proud of me. You know that counseling program I have been going to for a while? The one for LGBT youth? Well, this past week the social worker who was the leader of the group discussed the topic of Inner Strength. And by Inner Strength she meant all the things inside us that make us strong, especially the things we don't usually think of very much.

So we all went around the group and had to point to one particular thing in our past that almost destroyed us and then talk about how it also helped us learn about our Inner Strength due to the fact that it didn't destroy us. Instead of destroying us, it helped make us stronger inside.

Oh man. I could have picked a ton of things to share, but I decided to pick how my dad use to cut me down with his words. Nothing I ever did was good enough and even if I did some thing part-way good, then he would harp on the bad part. So I told the group a little about that and gave some examples and shared that I had to discover my Inner Strength to survive. It was very hard but I learned that other people did not seem to share his bad opinion of me and after a long time I discovered that what he was telling me all the time was not correct. I mean, yeah, I was not perfect and probably deserved some criticism, but he was not the least bit interested in giving me constructive criticism.

So the social worker asked me how I survived all that verbal abuse and I had to think hard about that. What I came up with was I would withdraw into myself and (this may sound totally weird) I would start this discussion inside my head that went some thing like this:

 "I'm a piece of shit."

 "But I have some good points."

 "Yeah? That's a joke. Like what?"

 "I don't try to hurt any body if I can help it."

 "You're such a fake. You're a big disappointment. You'll never make it."

 "But I try to be good and that counts."

 "Yeah. That's a joke."

 "I'll show you. I'll be the best person possible and you'll see."

And the social worker said that was a good example of my Inner Strength because she said I refused to just totally accept every thing he said about me. She said I would try to make sense of it by withdrawing into my self and kind of like start an argument with my dad inside my thoughts, where it was safe to do that. I could not have this kind of argument with my dad for real because it would then get heated up and I might get hurt. The social worker said I must be a lot stronger inside that I realized. I really downplayed that statement but she would not let me do that. She asked me why I was downplaying what she said, and did I think she was wrong or missing something.

I got a little irritated at how she would not let me shrug her compliment off, and I guess it showed in my face and my voice and since she is One Tough Lady, she called me on how I looked irritated at her. Oh man. Now I got nervous that I was about to be criticized by her in front of the entire group. So I clammed up really tight and just hoped she would go on to the next person, but she would not let go!

And then she asked me in front of every body if I was angry at her. She didn't say it in a mean or rough way. She asked it in a kind and soft voice and I could tell she was trying to help me, but I withdrew into myself and just hoped she would move on.

She then asked if I wanted to take some time to think about all this and we would come back to me in a minute. I was feeling extremely nervous inside and I just said, "Whatever." So just as she was about to move on (thank God), one of the other kids jumped in and said, "If I was you, I'd be mad. And I'd tell her that." Boy did I want to walk out at that point. I started getting nervous the whole group would start yelling at me and make fun of me, but the One Tough Lady social worker jumped in (thank God) and rescued me. She said, "Sam is entitled to share his feelings or not share his feelings. I asked him if he wanted us to move on and he said he did. So we are going to respect that."

Later in the group she came back to me (as promised) and asked if I wanted go back to what we were talking about. I said, Okay, and I then told her I got nervous when she asked me if I was angry at her. She said she was glad I told her my honest feelings and then she helped me express exactly what I was feeling inside.

Well, it all boiled down to how this whole thing reminded me of how my dad would criticize me. And then she said some thing that was like a major bomb being dropped. She said, "You were trapped when your dad criticized you and the only thing you could do was withdraw inside your self. Do you realize you did the same thing with me?" I said, Yes. Then here is the bomb she dropped: "But you and I worked out this thing where you didn't have to stay trapped. You asked me to back off, and I did. And I later asked if you wanted to talk about it some more, and you said 'Yes.' So I guess this is different from you and your dad."

Oh man. I lost it at that point. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Every body was pretty quiet in the group because it seemed like she made a good point. And then I got rescued (thank God) by two other kids who said the same kind of thing happened to them with their parents. And then we all talked about how we do not have to be trapped by our past. And how we can use our Inner Strength to get away from verbal abuse from the past and not be trapped by it.

But then the One Tough Lady social worker dropped another bomb. She said, "Some times expressing our true feelings to another person, especially negative feelings, can be dangerous. Like with a parent who is not interested in understanding those feelings. But there are people in your life who are interested in understanding your feelings. And those are the people who genuinely care about you."

I know this post is a little long and has a lot of details, but I wanted to share all this with you and hope it was been helpful to some one. I am learning that I do have Inner Strength. And the only people who deserve to see my Strength are the people I decide to let into my life. And the only people I want in my life are people I care about and who care about me.

I guess that is why I wanted to share this with all of you. So maybe what I am trying to say in a round about way is, Thank You to every one who takes the time to read what I write every week. And Thank you for caring.

Love, Sam

Friday, September 19, 2014

Ugh!

Ugh. Matty and I are both under the weather today. I think Matty is a little more under than I am, but it looks like we both caught something that hopefully will work its ways through soon.

So, we're keeping this short today. Hope every one is doing well.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Finding my own voice

"No family is perfect, right? Families are made up of imperfect individuals and when those imperfect individuals get together, well... imperfect things happen."

That little bit of wisdom is a paraphrase from my counselor. I've been talking to him lately about how different stuff from my childhood pops up in my relationship with Matty. I guess I should explain that rather strange-sounding statement.

Matty and I have a pretty strong relationship. We try to deal with issues when they happen rather than let them pile up because if we do that, they all come out at once and explode all over the place. Well, "explode" is probably not the best word because that sounds a little dramatic and violent and there's nothing violent about our relationship. At all. But if we let a bunch of things build up, then it can get messy when it all comes out at once.

My parents had a tendency to let things build up between them and, man, I can remember it not being a pretty picture when all those things came out at once. And then you add my dad's drinking on top of that? Not a pretty picture. 

So, back to the original point about how stuff from my childhood comes out in my relationship with Matty. My mom never liked to do anything to ever rock the boat with my dad. And looking back I can understand on one level why that might have been a good thing. My dad could be very overpowering and there was no reasoning with him sometimes. So it was futile for my mom to try and deal with issues when they got to the boiling point.

Well, anytime Matty and I need to talk through a particular problem, I always get nervous inside and, like my mom, try not to rock the boat. Any kind of tension makes me nervous. But see, the problem with that is this. Matty is not my dad. Every single issue we've had to discuss gets worked out. Or over some time, we get it worked out. Yeah, sometimes the tension level goes up a little higher than I like, but nothing bad ever happens and we stay with it until we get where we need to.

I know all this. We've been through this process enough times that I can trust it. 

But... every single time we need to discuss an issue that has some emotion connected to it, I revert back to my mom's strategy. I always start out trying not to rock the boat. Trying to keep the peace. And this solves nothing and actually makes the issue even harder to deal with because it frustrates Matty and then I start getting lost in what to do and that frustrates me.

But, I'm learning how to stop playing out my parent's patterns. I know logically Matty is not my dad (not by a LONG shot), and I know logically there's no reason for me to not just say what's on my mind, but it's hard. It's kind of like there's this automatic knee-jerk reaction happening, and I have to keep myself grounded while we work through things.

It's getting better, thank God. It seems like it's all getting a little easier to manage and I seem to be discovering "Bradley's voice" instead of "Mom's voice" when we need to sort through things. It's all about finding and using my own voice instead of hearing and following my mom's voice. 

I don't know if you guys ever have to stay on top of this kind of thing in your relationship, but man, it can be draining to do. I'm trying really hard to do what the quote up there says about how I have to change what's going on within me before I can change what's going on around me (meaning our relationship).

Part of growing up, I guess. It's hard, but I'm getting there.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My best self

 
I recently joined an online support group for adults living with ADHD. That's where I found this quote. This is the first time I've joined a group for other adults who have ADHD and I'm learning a lot. 

I think there's a lot of wisdom in this quote for anyone who has spent serious time trying to come to terms with any kind of self-hate. I'm not going to write a whole post on where our self-hate comes from because I guess it varies from person to person. 

So today I'm just sending out this short message as a reminder to myself of the work I've done over the years to discover my Best Self. None of us is perfect, least of all me. I'm not always prompt in returning emails -- I'm not always the best friend in living up to my part of some friendships -- I let people down -- I get easily frustrated over little things sometimes -- I can be a huge emotional drain when somebody is trying to help me sort through extremely intense feelings.

Whether it's my ADHD, or some more growing up I need to continue doing, or whatever, I continue to try and do my best. I hit the mark sometime. I miss the mark sometimes. But I keep trying.

I have my good points -- I have my bad points. I use to think I was more bad than good. That's changing now. Writing openly here about all the challenges I face has helped. I rarely (if ever) mentioned my ADHD, and now I talk about it openly (both online and in my everyday life) and can even see it as one of my strengths. One of the guys in the online support group told me he sees it as one of his Super Powers. I liked that. That really helped.

I guess it's true what they say about how we're all a work-in-progress. I'm not even trying to be perfect, because that's impossible. I'm just trying to keep myself on the path to being my Best Self as much as I can. And I suppose for right now that counts for a lot.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Music, vibrates in the memory

Thank you, Kari, for thinking of me
when you saw this!
Kari found this picture right after I wrote about my dad giving me my grandfather's guitar.

When I read the words, I immediately thought of my grandfather. I still clearly remember him playing his guitar when I was a little kid. I always remember how important it was to be quiet when he played for me. It was almost like he was giving me a little part of him when he played. And even though my grandfather is no longer here, I can still hear the sounds of his music.

And yes, "Music, when soft voices die, Vibrates in the memory."

 
Music, When Soft Voices Die
Percey Bysshe Shelley
 
Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory;
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.
Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heap'd for the belov├Ęd's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Be still my heart. Nah, keep going!

Just an update on my writing project. 

Okay, so I always know I have to spend time at the beginning of any project just organizing myself. Like having a quiet external work space with minimal distractions. But even that has it's challenges because once I get my quiet space set up, there's this internal thing going on inside my brain that is coming up with all kinds of ideas about what I want to accomplish.

So once I have the quiet physical space set up, I then have to spend time setting up some quiet space inside my brain because I have so many ideas going in every direction. I've come to just accept that this is my process and actually kind of like it. Unlike years past, I know how to work with this now.

On Friday when Brad and I took the day off to clean the house and do other projects, I worked out a plan with him where I would get a couple of "fun breaks" in between things. So one of those fun things was going to the local public library because they have a HUGE Children's section. 

Boy was that an active space! Little kids running all over the place, being excited about different books they found, showing them to other kids, showing them to their parents. I swear their excitement was infectious. And, of course, it made my brain think about how I now want to be a Children's Librarian! LOL Be still my heart. You don't have to get attached to every single exciting idea that pops in your head! :)

I talked to one of the librarians there to see if they could help me locate children's books (fiction) on the topic of ADHD. Man, was this lady so helpful! She did a search and came up with all kinds of things. And then I told her I was writing a children's book for kids with ADHD and she said she had a nephew with ADHD and she shared a few things about that.

And then she did another search and located tons of resources for parents and teachers and spouses who work with, or live with, someone with ADHD. And she helped me narrow down my search and told me how I could access the Boston Public Library!

So I feel like I'm on track at this beginning stage. But, man, I'd LOVE being a Children's Librarian! Be still my heart! :) One thing at a time. 

As I was leaving the library to go home, there was this little girl who must have been about four years old sitting down squarely in the middle of the narrow sidewalk going out to the parking lot. And she had her big picture book opened up in her lap and was reading out loud in a fairly dramatic voice. The adult with her (father?) was trying to get her to move to the side so people could get by, and I guess at first she thought he was telling her to stop reading because she looked up at him and said in another fairly loud voice, "But I need to read this story!"

It was so cute to watch. The father was also so good with her. Instead of making her stop reading so they could go home, he got her to move over to the side so people could get by. When she realized this, she just looked around, said, "Oh. Okay." -- and moved to the side and kept reading!

Anyway, see how the narrative in this post is a little all over the place? I'm writing this a little late at night after my med is working its way out of my system. I started off talking about how I organize my external space, then how I organize my internal space, then how I went to the Library to check our their resources. 

Then how I started talking about how I'd like to be a Children's Librarian, then a little cute story about that little girl. I'm leaving it like it is because in the past I would have gotten totally frustrated with myself for letting things get a little out of control. I would have gone back and edited it until it was in a more organized and formal presentation. And I guess that has it's place, but man, that's so boring to me! :)

Oh well. I count this as progress that I'm leaving it like it is. That's my brain and I'll get my book project under control in it's own time. The last thing I want to happen right now is to force things into a neat and tidy box. At this point, I sorta like all the colors in my brain and all the neat directions those colors are going right now. Kind of like the graphic I posted up there.

Be still my heart! Nah, keep going!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Sundays with Sam: Saying goodbye and hello

Hello again, every one! This is Sleepy Sam-I-Am writing this late on Saturday night. This is probably going to be a short post because I decided to postpone the one I've been working on during the week and just write out some thoughts I'm having right now.

I say I am sleepy because I have spent the day at Brad and Matty's house. They did a lot of house cleaning on Friday, and today (Saturday) I went over there to visit them while Rick (my BOYFRIEND) is helping a friend work on his car.

You guys might remember that their guest bedroom is where I would stay when ever I went over there to visit and spend the night. They originally told me I could always come stay with them if I ever needed a break from my parents, or if I worried about my safety because of what was going on at my home. And then some times I would be over there visiting and maybe watching a movie with them and they would invite me to just spend the night instead of driving all the way back home.

They even named the guest bedroom, "Sam's Room" and that made me happy. Brad helped me pick out some posters I could put on the wall so it would feel like my home-away-from-home. Some of the posters required me to use nails so I could hang them up, so there were some small nail holes in the wall.

One of the two rooms they planned to paint was my room. See? I still think of it as "my" room. But now that I have a place of my own, I need to say "goodbye" to it. That might sound weird saying goodbye to a room, but if you think about it, that room was my safe place, and it was also my happy place because Brad and Matty wanted me to always feel comfortable coming over there whenever I wanted to visit them.

So when I was over there earlier today, I told them I would like to spackle the holes and then paint the room the color they selected. I felt it was the least I could do to sort of pay them back, or maybe pay them back is not the right expression, but more like return the favor, I guess. It would also give me a chance to just spend some time in there and remember how safe and comfortable I always felt in my home-away-from-home.

I could tell Brad and Matty had some kind of feelings going on because they kept coming back to chat with me, which I really appreciated. I was able to tell them Thank You for every thing the room represented to me. Brad said he felt bad that they were painting the room and changing it around, but I told him it made me happy in a way because it meant I had moved on to a new phase in my life now that I had my own place. And both of them said I would always be welcomed there, no matter what.

I admit it did sort of make me sad but I think that is a good thing, you know? It means that room was really important to me because the guys called it "Sam's Room" and there was a lot of love that went into doing this for me. And I am only saying Goodbye to the room, NOT to the love that made them do this.

So I was spackling the small holes and waited for that to dry, and then painted the walls this really nice shade of blue. The guys kept saying they wanted to help, which I appreciated, but I sort of felt this was some thing I wanted to do by myself. And I think I did a pretty good job if I do say so!

And now I have my own place which I am very proud of. It's like this new place is a new chapter in my life because it represents me moving on, and that is some thing to be proud of. That is what the sign up there means to me. I have to move on to the next chapter as scary as it might seem at times. That is what life is all about, I guess. Moving on to the next thing.

So thank you, Brad and Matty, for letting me into your lives. And even though I am saying good bye to my room there, I will NEVER EVER say good bye to you. I may have put some little holes in your wall, but you have filled some very big holes in my life. I am a stronger person now and it feels scary and good that I can go on to the next chapter in my life. Love you both. Forever and Ever.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

The Roosevelts


I swear Ken Burns should hire me as his publicist! I've seen almost all his films and some of them I go back and see multiple times.

Remember the last film he produced? I was so excited when he announced The Address, because it dealt with kids who had ADHD and other neurological challenges. And I've seen that one at least three times now. 

And look what happened to me afterwards. I was so overloaded with passion I even wrote a post about it (An episode of overload). But wait. It didn't stop there. I couldn't stop thinking about it and decided to make an announcement.

Well, Ken Burns's latest film is The Roosevelts: An Intimate History. And it starts tomorrow night on our PBS station. Here's a link you can use to see if it's going to be on a station in your area: PBS Station Finder.

It's a seven part, fourteen hour film and I can't wait. I know virtually nothing about Theodore, a lot about Franklin, and a moderate amount about Eleanor. There's so much about American History I love, so I'm psyched about this new film.

Unlike The Address, which inspired me to get interested in writing a children's book(s) on ADHD, I just hope watching this one doesn't inspire me to run for political office. I mean there's seriously only ONE person who can turn this country around and get it going in the right direction... but I seriously just don't have time! LOL

Have a great weekend everyone!