Sunday, November 22, 2015

Sundays with Sam: Happy gobble, gobble

Hi there every body! It's Sunday again, so it's time for me, Sam-I-Am! Hope you are having a good day!

Brad sent me that little quote up there and I thought I would use it today even though this is my Happy Thanksgiving post because by next Sunday Thanksgiving will have come and gone. But I thought the quote was perfect for today and I will tell you why.

I am so happy that I can look forward to celebrating Thanksgiving now and be around people I like and who seem like they are happy to see me. I don't want to start crying but I only have had the opportunity to really celebrate Thanksgiving in the past couple of years.

Holidays were never a big deal when I was a kid. It was just another day and nothing special ever happened. But I tried to do my own celebration, if you can call it that. I had a cardboard cutout of a turkey and I would stand it up in my bedroom on my desk one day, and then the next day I would move it to my dresser, and the next day I would move it to my chest of drawers, and so on.

I would keep it up for the whole week of Thanksgiving and then take it down until the next year. It would be the first thing I would see when I woke up and maybe it sounds childish to say, but I couldn't wait until I got home from school so I could go in my room to look at it.

Maybe it sounds a little pathetic but it was all I had and it made me feel like I was a part of a big celebration that every one else was having and it didn't make me feel so alone.

But now? I truly am a part of a real Thanksgiving celebration. I am so excited to go to RICK's (my beautiful BOYFRIEND) home to have dinner with them.

So you may be wondering how that quote up there is about Thanksgiving. Well, to me it means that I am now part of RICK's family, and Brad and Matty's family, and as corny as it sounds, a part of my House Mate's family. And I have a lot more to look forward to than just coming home to see my cardboard Turkey. Because, like the sign says, I am meant to be here and my life matters and I have a LOT to be thankful for.

And that is what Thanksgiving means to me. It is a chance to stop and think about every thing I have now that I can be thankful for.

I don't think I can write much more because I feel so many feelings and I am truly happy that my life matters to me and to a bunch of other people, too. I still have my cardboard Turkey and I already have it proudly displayed in my room and, yes, every day I move it to a new location in my room. Just because I have a life that matters now doesn't mean I get to forget Mr. Turkey. Me and him are buddies for life!

But I have added a new Thanksgiving tradition now. Now I look forward to coming home every day and sitting down at my desk to write in my Journal all the things I have to be thankful for now. And I am filling it up fast. You guys even have two pages in my Journal! I am so thankful for every thing each of you have given me. I have gotten support and encouragement and reminders that I am a good person and how my Life matters.

And I hope I have given you some thing, too. I hope I have put a smile on your face or have given some of you hope that your life means some thing.

So from me and RICK and Mr. Cardboard Turkey, have a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration this year. I love you guys so much! Thanks for being a part of my Life!

Love and hugs! See you next Sunday!!

Thursday, November 19, 2015

My quirky brain

Well, that quote doesn't mean sex is not important. I mean, sometimes it is all about sex, right? Well, I mean it's not about sex all the time, but when it is about sex, it's all about sex in that moment, right?

And sex can also be about deep intimacy so I don't want to minimize that. But sometimes sex is a form of play, pure and simple, which now that I'm thinking about it is a form of intimacy.

I guess I should go back and change those paragraphs to make them more coherent. I sometimes have to check with people who do professional editing, and I almost did this time but, hey, my brain tries to work things out when I just let it have free rein. So I'll leave those two paragraphs just like they are as a way to celebrate my sometimes quirky brain.

I'm a lot better now about just relaxing over how my brain works. I have some challenges because of the learning disabilities and the ADHD, and I use to agonize and feel extremely ashamed because I had a hard time corralling my thoughts, organizing them in an understandable way, and then transferring all that from my brain to my mouth.

But now? Well, I do the best I can. It sometimes takes me a while to go through what seems like an extended process to figure out my thoughts and then edit them into something coherent. But I always manage to get there. Except maybe for those two paragraphs that started this post! But those two paragraphs are just step one is a five or six step process. 

And I think it's a victory that I don't feel ashamed anymore of how my quirky brain works! Go back and reread the first two paragraphs and compare them with the following paragraphs. I think I did pretty good. And for someone with these neurological challenges, that's a MAJOR victory!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Just some random thoughts

Before I get to my random thoughts, I want to thank all of you for the wonderful Happy Birthday wishes you sent me yesterday! You guys are so special and sweet! Thank you!!

Now to a few random thoughts:

I think I've mentioned that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. I guess that's no great surprise because a major part of that day is cooking and eating. I LOVE baking desserts! People always look forward to desserts and I LOVE the comforting aroma that comes from cinnamon, almond and vanilla, ginger, and so many more.

I'm hoping to post some recipes again this year so stay tuned for that. I also think it might be fun if you guys want to share a favorite recipe, too. Maybe early next week we can do that. I'll post details soon.

I know Matty has shared that Christmas is his favorite holiday of the year. As you know, a big part of that holiday is giving and receiving presents, and that fact alone is something kids of all ages love! 

Matty always makes a big deal about how excited he gets when he thinks about getting presents from everyone. But I know for a fact he loves putting a lot of thought into what he wants to get everyone. And when people open their presents, I love looking straight at him because he gets such a happy and excited look on his face. I am convinced that gives him more pleasure that receiving his gifts.

Since I'm doing random thoughts today, I thought I'd let you know I've been doing some more research on how to treat allergies to cats since I want one or two so bad. I talked to Beth since she is in veterinary school. (If you're new to the blog, Beth is Matty's brother's wife.) She gave me some good information so I feel like I will be super prepared when I have my doctor's appointment soon.

I'm running out of random things now, so stay tuned next week for some Thanksgiving menus! 

Monday, November 16, 2015

Happy birthday, Bradley

Join me in wishing Brad a very Happy Birthday! He turned 23 yesterday. There's about a 6 month age difference between us so as of yesterday we are officially the same age now!

To my very sweet Brad, I could think of tons of words to describe how I feel about you, but I think this sums it up perfectly:

Happy Birthday to the love of my life!

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Sundays with Sam: My briefs

Hello every one! It's Sunday and time again for Sam-I-Am! Hope every one is having a good day!

I have had a super busy week and I think I even lost track of time because I always try to have my Sunday post written and ready to send to Brad as soon as possible. I try to get it written at least by Wednesday or Thursday night because when I send it over to Brad I know he has to take time to get it in the right format and ready for Sunday.

But some times I get behind like this week so I thought I would just keep it brief and share a few things that have been happening.

Number One on my list is to Thank You for the comments you guys always leave me. Some of you leave a comment on the link Matty always puts up on Facebook and he always send me a screen shot of what is there.

Why am I thanking you for your comments? Well, let me see if I can explain with out going on too long. When I was growing up I kept to my self a lot. I mean I did not have any Real Friends except for Brad starting in Middle School. A couple of people were friendly with me some times but with my stutter and being shy I mostly just kept to my self and tried not to get noticed. Brad is the only one who stuck by me and tried to get me to talk. He point blank asked me about my life, not all at once, but he would ask me questions and he also started telling me stuff about his life, especially his dad. So naturally I started opening up a little bit because I started trusting him more and more.

Now I feel like I have more friends than ever. I am still shy but that is starting to change some because in the counseling program I go to they get you to open up. Plus now I have RICK (my wonderful BOYFRIEND) and his family, and I have Brad and Matty and I have met both their families (remember I was an Official Usher at Matty's brother's Wedding), and I have been making some friends here and there.

But I consider all of you my Friends, too. Believe it or not I feel like I have learned some of your personalities just by reading your comments. And you may not believe this but it is the Honest Truth: I keep going back each week and read through your comments and I have tried to almost memorize things people say because they mean so much to me.

Number Two on my list is, I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. RICK's family is having a big dinner this year and when I start freaking out about being around so many people, all I have to do is remember that they always like to see me and I like to see them, so then I can try and relax a little.

RICK and I went shopping for some clothes the other day. I basically have work clothes and maybe three or four clothes that are a little nicer. But I wanted to buy some nice pants and a shirt and new belt and some socks and a nice pull-over sweater for the Thanksgiving Dinner.

Oh, and I also bought some new underwear! But nobody at Thanksgiving Dinner will get to see that! HA HA! The only ones who get to see the underwear is me and RICK! HA HA! It was fun buying it and RICK talked me into buying some sexy red briefs that are skin tight. Yes, they make me feel sexy and kind of naughty but I have not decided yet whether to wear them to the Thanksgiving Dinner. I know that is probably all RICK will be thinking about while we are there and knowing that will make me loose my focus on every thing else! HA HA!

Oh I just realized some thing! I was proof reading what I have written so far and there is a sentence up there that says, "But some times I get behind like this week so I thought I would just keep it brief..." You can see where my mind is because I have been talking about buying those briefs but I didn't even think I was going to tell about my new underwear until I got close to the end. HA HA! Oh well, this is a brief post that includes some information about my briefs! Get it? HA HA!

Anyway, I think that is all I have this week. Hope every one has a good day and a good week ahead.
Love and Hugs, Sam-I-Am-Brief-in-My-Briefs❤

Friday, November 13, 2015

Tough week

I won't lie. This has been an incredibly hard week for me. But I'm still here and I think I'm stronger than ever, even though I don't feel the full impact of it yet. It's something I just know and trust on faith.

On Tuesday I was running an errand and spotted one the guys who was part of the gang that ambushed and attacked me in high school. 

I saw him. He saw me. He immediately started walking away from me and I just stood there stunned and frozen in place like I had lost my bearings. I felt dizzy, my heart started racing, and for a minute I didn't know where I was.

I found a place to sit down and did one of the grounding meditations my counselor taught me. I was out in public so I didn't want to make things too obvious, but I just closed my eyes and did some deep breathing and kept repeating to myself, "I'm okay. I'm completely safe. I'm calm and relaxed. I'm calm and relaxed."

My counselor has me doing these "grounding meditations" every day whether I need to or not. At least three times a day. My counselor said by practicing them each day I'm letting my mind get accustomed to feeling safe and relaxed when I do the deep breathing and say the affirmations. So when I'm in a panic state and go through this routine, my mind and body do what they've been trained to do. I know that probably sounds a little strange to describe it that way, but believe me it works.

I also want to say I feel I'm making very real progress in this trauma business. In the past I probably would have gone into a highly aggressive state of mind. Probably would have followed him, gotten in his face, made him look me in the eyes. I would have wanted him to see me, really see me. Not the dehumanized "object" he kicked and spat on and flung all kinds of filthy names. But really see me as a real human being.

But you know what? I've come to realize I'm not responsible for how he's living with what he did. I am responsible for how I'm living with me.

So instead of going after him, I found a place to sit down and did one of the grounding meditations my counselor taught me.

And it worked. Or at least it helped begin the process of getting my bearings so I could get myself home. Thank God Brad was there. He knew exactly what I needed, and after a short while he asked if I wanted him to contact Tyler to see if he could come over. So the two of them were there for me, letting me talk, giving me reassurance and support, and then getting me to laugh.

The next day the anxiety started coming back so I called my counselor and talked to him briefly and he said he wanted to consult with my psychiatrist (they work in the same office) and I agreed. After talking to him briefly, he called in a low-dose prescription for anxiety. That helped but also made me groggy so I only took a total of two.

Back to the progress I've made: Instead of going into aggressive mode when I spotted that guy, I was able to focus on me. And I also let two people who care about me, well, care about me.

What a tough week. But I feel so incredibly proud of myself for keeping the focus on what I need to do to heal. 

And I'm also so incredibly lucky to have people in my life who care. Unconditionally care. 

Somehow I know I'm going to make it. No matter what's thrown my way, I will make it. Or as Brad reminds me, I am making it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Kitty baby

I LOVE this pic of Night-time Kitty! I've heard people say if you're a "cat person," this is the kind of picture only a Cat Person would "get." I really think it's SO adorable and makes perfect sense. And "dog people" (like Matty) chuckle and roll their eyes. LOL.

Thanks to all of you for your comments yesterday. And for all the comments people left me on Matty's FB link, as well as all the emails people sent. It was nice talking about wanting to deal with my allergies when I'm around cats because I really want to adopt one or two. I'm eagerly awaiting my appointment with my doctor to see what my options are.

It may sound silly but I've been looking at all these cat sites that feature pictures like the one above. It's been so much fun and keeps me laughing. 

Matty asked me the question you might have, so I'll go ahead and answer it. Yes, Kitty Daddy plans to go going shopping for cute little outfits like this for my Kitty Baby. Yes. Seriously. I think I'm now officially a "cat person." LOL.

Monday, November 9, 2015

A kitty cat

I have been wanting a cat for SO long! 

A couple of years ago Matty and I went to the Shelter to check things out and that's when I discovered I have severe allergies to cats! I already knew I had something going on because whenever I'm around cats my eyes always get a little watery and I've been known to sneeze in their presence.

But when we went to the feline section of the Shelter, my chest got tight, my eyes started watering, and I have never sneezed so much in my life!

From the reading I've done, these reactions seem to be related to an oversensitive immune system. And there are a variety of treatments, all the way from taking medication such as prescription steroids or getting allergy shots to prevent your immune system from going haywire. 

I don't really want to take medication unless it's for a limited time and the problem is thereby resolved. But it looks like these steroids are more for symptom relief so it seems like I'd have to be on them for the long run, and that's just something I'm not interested in doing.

But the shots seem to make more sense because from what I've read, they gradually help your immune system get use to the dander so you don't start exploding with sneezes and watery eyes, etc.

I made an appointment with my primary care doctor to see what he thinks and maybe get a referral to a specialist to go over all my options.

Here's what I'd like to ask. I'm going to rely on expert medical advice because I really, really want a cat, but I wanted to ask if any of you has cat allergies and if so, do you have any experience with the shots to desensitize your immune system?

I hope I can make this work. I really want a kitty.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Sundays with Sam: Just amazing

Hi every one! It's Sam-I-Am!

Are you ready for the news about the two Halloween parties? Here goes:


The first one was really tough. When RICK and I walked in I started getting panicked and had trouble breathing and my vision got blurry like it does when I get scared. So I did the signal me and RICK agreed on and just looked at him and blinked my eyes one time and we turned around and went back on the front porch.

I almost started crying because I was so upset and felt like every thing was going down the drain. Me and RICK had not talked about what we would do next if this happened but I started saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So then he led me down the steps and walked over to a private spot and he just hugged me and rubbed my back and kept saying, I'm here, I'm here. It's okay. I'm here.

So now I am happy to say I totally believe in Magic Words because my panic went from a 10 down to about 5. Then he said, Let's just walk down the street for a minute. So we did that and my number went down to about a 3 or 4.

Then I was ready to go back because I am so sick and tired of Anxiety controlling my life and because I need to push myself. But I have to remember what my counselor says: Push your self but do not get over whelmed because then you get thrown in worse shape.

So it worked out because when we went back inside my number went back up to some where around 5 or 6 but I felt I could handle that since me and RICK stayed right beside each other. About 30 minutes later my number was about 4 or 5. You might think I was worrying too much about my anxiety number but it helps me be aware and it helps me know where things stand and believe it or not, it helps bring it down. My counselor said it gives me some control over something that feels out of my control.

So we stayed about one hour and I didn't have to do a whole lot of talking because it was kind of too loud for my tastes, and RICK said all I had to do was just look pretty which made me smile and brought my number down by one point! Haha.

RICK asked if I wanted to call it a night and skip the second party and he asked that because he knew the first party was difficult. That was sweet of him but I joked around with him and said, "No way! The night is still early!" Haha.

The second party was much better because it was quieter and I proved to my Anxiety that I am in charge of it and not the other way around!! I love taking to my Anxiety like that! Cause it feels powerful and makes me feel so good!

Some people asked what Halloween costume me and RICK wore. Well, RICK found out ahead of time that people could wear what ever they wanted but it wasn't expected if you just wanted to come in casual clothes. So we both decided to just wear one of those three-cornered pirate's hat, the one we wore that time we dressed up as pirates at that hospital RICK'S mom volunteers at. Most people did some thing similar like they wore just one part of a costume like we did so we fit right in.

So there you have it! RICK and I went to TWO Halloween parties! How about that huh? I DID NOT BACK OUT! I ACTUALLY WENT!! 

Amazing. Just amazing! This is the kind of life I never ever thought would be possible for me! And it's finally happening! Just amazing!!

That's all for this week. Hope every one has a very nice day and week. See you next Sunday!

Love from Sam-I-Am-Amazing! Haha

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Finding the humor

Since meeting Matty I've never laughed so much in my life. He has a sharp eye for hidden humor and sees things I totally miss at first. He always shows me anything related to food and I got a good laugh at this one!

I'm still thinking about the food blog I mentioned a while back and Matty said I should use this pic along with some others in a section on Humor in Cooking. But I'll have to give that some more thought since I want the new blog to be part of my portfolio in building my professional credentials.

But then again, maybe I'm being overly sensitive and a section on humor might show a side of my personality that people would enjoy. I'm just not use to seeing myself as someone with a highly developed sense of humor.
I could make Matty my Humor Editor, then who would edit him?☺
I guess I need to keep his idea in mind because I think it would be cool to let a little of my own personality show through. 
I just have to make sure and keep BADley under control!
And with Matty around, that's going to be a big challenge!

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Physical appearance

Sorry this is a little long today. My brain is in a rambling mood and I'm trying to be as honest and uncensored as I can:

Over the past few months I've gotten almost obsessed with my physical appearance and it's starting to feel a little creepy. 

Starting this past summer, my friend Tyler and I have been in this fun competition to see who can get the best abs. We've always done these little fun contests going all the way back to when we were little kids and they've never been over anything serious. It's just one of the things we do to have some fun with each other and enjoy our friendship.

He and I go to the gym together when we can and we always have a great time cheering each other on and supporting each other in trying to stay in good physical shape.

I know there's nothing unhealthy about wanting to be in good physical shape. But all this emphasis on trying to change our bodies to some kind of "ideal" look is what feels a little creepy. 

I mean, the rationale behind being physically healthy is obvious. Physical health is important. I want to try and eat nutritious foods, even though giving up Fruit Loops cereal and too much chocolate and candy and potato chips is a real challenge. But there's nothing "creepy" about trying to find substitutes for all that sugar and salt.

But it's made me think, "What's the rationale behind sculpting our bodies to look a certain way?" I'm not trying to attract a partner. I'm not planning on entering any kind of competition.

If this little challenge between Tyler and I is just a fun way to joke around and be silly with each other, I think that's fine.

But lately I've been thinking, "Hmm. What more can I do to build up my arms, my quads, etc.?" Does this mean I'm insecure about my body image? Why am I thinking about this? Is this about impressing others? Am I really that insecure?

From a rational and objective standpoint, I've always been pleased with how I look physically. Well, except for adolescence. I think for all adolescent boys (and maybe girls, too?) there's an over-emphasis on physical appearance. 

I think maybe that's because at that age your self-esteem is based on surface appearance. In high school there's a HUGE emphasis on being popular and attractive. You want to fit in. You want to be liked and accepted, and intellectual competency matters a lot more to parents and teachers than your peers, at least in my case.

I wonder if this new obsession might be related to the PTSD. Am I trying to convince myself (irrationally I think) that I can get to a place where I will never again be vulnerable to physical violence?

Not sure where I'm going with all this. But I really want to stop obsessing about taking physical development to an unhealthy level. I'm trying to keep my life focused on the things that really matter -- the "real" things. Friendships, family, my goals for the future, taking pride in improving my wood carving, continuing my volunteer work with children at the public library, setting meaningful goals like preparing to hike the Appalachian Trail, etc., etc. 

Sure, I'll admit my physical appearance is important. I like being in good shape. I'll also admit liking to wear a Speedo when I go swimming without feeling self conscious. Vain? Yeah. But I'm not trying to live the life of a humble or self-effacing saint. I think it's okay to indulge in some vanity as long as I see it as such and keep myself grounded so I can pull myself back when I forget, as I said above, "...the things that really matter -- the 'real' things."

Ugh!!!! I feel like I'm starting to lose control of where I'm going here. Ramble, ramble, ramble. Anyway. I'm going to stop here. Like the sign up there says, these are just some rambling random thoughts I've been having. Does this even make any sense?

Monday, November 2, 2015

The simple things

Ever since the recent medical scare about my mom's health, I've been a lot more aware of trying to live "in the day."

Sometimes I can get so caught up in thinking about the future that I don't pay attention to the small things that are happening around me all day long. It's very exciting to think about my career as a Chef as well as starting a family at some point, but I've been amazed at the power of slowing down, looking around, and just noticing what's happening in the day.

Family is so important to me. Friends sometimes come and go, but if you're lucky you become friends with certain people and you both see something that makes you care about each other... trust each other... believe in each other... inspire each other. And if you're really lucky, stay in each other's life through thick and thin.

But lately I've been thinking about the small things... the simple things... the quite and tender gestures people do simply because you matter to them.

Matty going out on a cold morning to start my car before I leave for classes so it'll be nice and warm when I leave.

My mom calling to ask my opinion on a new dish she wants to try for herself and my dad because she thinks I'll have a suggestion that will make it special.

A friend from work having a small arrangement of Spring flowers delivered because I worked two extra shifts for her so she could take some time off to spend with her ill grandmother.

Matty looking forward to seeing my parents on the weekend and then moving in close and putting his arm around my dad's shoulder when I wanted to take their picture. 

So yeah. The power of slowing down, looking around, noticing what's happening "in the day," and appreciating all the small and simple things that carry more meaning that what we see at first glance. 

I feel so lucky to have the family and friends I do. I'm going to be paying a lot more attention to all the simple things these relationships offer to make life worth living.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Halloween pride

Hi every one! It's your ghost and goblin Sam-I-Am! I am writing this on Friday night so by the time you read this Halloween has already come and gone. I hope you had a good one!

I'll be honest. I came very close to backing out. You remember RICK and I got invited to two Halloween parties and as the time got closer my anxiety started going through the roof. BUT!!!!! Keep reading!
I worked extra hard to get my anxiety down AND I AM GOING!
Or by the time you read this I WENT!

At my counseling program we learn so many things to do to get your anxiety to come down. Want to know how I did it this time?

I was 100 % honest with RICK about how I was feeling. I told him every single feeling I was having. See, this is major progress for me because in the past I always kept my feelings inside until some times I felt like I was going to burst, or until I started getting extremely depressed.

My counselor has this cool question he always asks me. He says, "What is the worst thing that might happen?" So before I talked to RICK I wrote down all the bad things that might happen, such as how I might get so stressed I might stop breathing and pass out.

And I also thought people would think some thing was wrong with me because I stutter and they would laugh at me behind my back.

And there were about 10 more things I came up with and ever single one of them was bad.

But then my counselor always tells me to take my list of the worst things that I think might happen and check and see if they are realistic. Like, that one about getting so stressed I might stop breathing and pass out. It is realistic about being stressed because going to the parties is way our of my comfort zone. And I might feel like my breathing is shallow and I might feel like I am going to pass out, but there is a solution to that. If that happens when I get there, then it is 100 % okay to go outside to get some air, or to tell RICK I am feeling that way so he can help me out.

And the thing about my stutter is this. I have always felt self conscious about my stutter. I think every person who has a stutter is self conscious. But that does not mean some thing is wrong with ME. If you think about it from a realistic stand point, it does mean some thing is wrong with my speech, but it does not mean some thing is wrong with ME as a person.

So it is realistic to be self conscious. The way I talk is noticeable. There is no way around that. BUT I am learning ways to relax my self and not beat my self up because I have a stutter. And I also can calm myself by remembering that I am just as good as any one there at the party, whether I have a stutter or not! Wow. How about that?

So I made a commitment to go to the parties and if some thing happens that I did not expect, I am going to try and remember that it is not the end of the world and all I have to do is tell RICK which he wants me to do.

Well, that is all for this week. Oh, just to let you know, my fingers are slowly getting better from that sprain I had when I flipped off the dirt bike.

I will talk to you next week. Have a good day and a good week ahead!

Love and hugs from Sam-I-Am-Proud-of-My-Self!

Friday, October 30, 2015

And the answers are. . .

1. This is an off-beat job I've fantasized about but would never in a million years actually do:

A. An interstate bus driver. Matt
B. Pilot a glider aircraft. Brad

2. A job I had when I was in high school:

A. Grocery store bagger. Brad
B. Lawn mowing business. Matt

3. I'm definitely a...

A. Cat person. Brad
B. Dog person. Matt

4. A Superpower I wish I had:

A. X-Ray vision. Matt (LOL!!!)
B. Cibopathic powers. Brad

5. Which is better?

A. A movie. Matt
B. A novel. Brad

Were you surprised by any answer?